Is All Grief Created Equal?

 

Is All Grief Created Equal?  by Vicky Edgerly 

    Is all grief created equal and what, exactly do I mean by that? Let me explain:

    I am occasionally approached sheepishly by someone in pain who feels that their grief experience is 'not as important, relevant or real' as mine since they did not bury their entire nuclear family as I have.

    They often feel guilty about seeking help from me for their grief, believing that their own pain can't possibly stack up to the type of grief I have experienced after burying two children and a husband.

    While my particular story is a bit more intense than most will ever experience in one lifetime, (you can learn more by visiting my website www.whiteelephantwisdom.com or reading previous blog posts) I can say to you with the authority that lots of personal experience and purposeful study has afforded me that YES! All grief certainly is created equal.

    No grief journey is more or less important, relevant, or meaningful than another.  Some will come with more intense 'symptoms' and some with stronger 'reactions' and feelings from those affected but grief is grief no matter how you slice it up and dole it out.

 

Grief is not an exclusive club...anyone can join!

    At the time of this writing, I am living on the Gulf Coast of Florida, smack dab in the middle of the widespread destruction left behind by not one but TWO back-to-back hurricanes (Helene and Milton 2024)

    I watched my local coastal community lose their homes and businesses to flood waters from the life threatening storm surge Helene brought to our shores one week, then witnessed these same folks endure the massive wind damage that Milton dished out, all while still sifting through what was left of their belongings from the first big hit a mere ten days later.   As you can imagine, I am surrounded by just about any kind of grief you could possibly encounter in a human life cycle.

   Folks lost their lives...so we grieve with those families and survivors as a community. Folks lost their homes, livelihood and businesses....again, we grieve as a community.  Our beautiful beaches are trashed....we grieve for the loss of our places of beauty that always served to bring solace and peace to our souls when we are anxious or restless over what is happening in our lives. And so we grieve...

    If I simply remove the phrase, 'such as the death of a loved one' from NIH National Cancer Institutes definition of GRIEF, then we can clearly see how this word can (and does!) apply to any loss that feels devastating to a person or group of people. Grieving is simply a word describing the process we go through when faced with any type of loss that brings us deep sorrow. 

DEFINITION: The normal response to a major loss, such as the death of a loved one.  It may include feelings of great sadness, anger, guilt, and despair. Physical problems, such as not being able to sleep and changes in appetite, may also be part of grief. (NIH National Cancer Institute)

   I hope you noticed the phrase 'normal response' in the above definition. If there is one big take-away from this article, this is it. All these swirling, confusing and for some, debilitating 'symptoms' and feelings we are having are perfectly normal. Yes folks, there's no mistaking it.  You are experiencing GRIEF!

     Admittedly, I didn't always feel so gracious about other peoples' 'unconventional' grief stories. Nope, I have to own that right now. You see, shortly after my 18 year old son took his own life on Mother's Day in 2002, I was an emotional wreck.  Being my first experience with significant loss, I didn't understand my grief at the time. I hadn't yet learned how it would respond to my own thoughts and beliefs and because of this lack of understanding, it threatened to consume me in those first few months. 

    When some of the initial shock wore off and I tried to re-enter society and my 'normal' life routines, I found I was still too raw.  My emotions were all over the place.  The uncontrollable crying was replaced with frustration, annoyance or even anger with the people around me who were simply going about their own lives like they always did.  Nothing had changed in my outward world but my inner world was still a raging storm of confusing emotion.

    One day while trying to pull my focus together enough to get even minimal tasks and duties done correctly at work, I was distracted by the sound of a co-worker crying over a dog that had died over the weekend that didn't even belong to her or her family.

    It infuriated me that this woman had the nerve to play the, 'I'm too upset over the dogs death to do any work so I'm going to sit here in the break room and cry for a while instead' card while I was just a few yards away trying to hold myself together after putting my beautiful boy in the ground not two weeks prior. 

    Inside I was screaming to the heavens, "The nerve of that woman! Who does she think she is?  Is she that blind that she can't see what a slap in my face her over-dramatic reaction was? It's JUST A DOG for Pete's sake!!!"  Oh yes, it's true.  I thought all those things and more. When I went home that night I vented to my fiancé and added even more colorful adjectives to my highly judgmental tirade. 

    Over time, as I began to learn more about my own grief response and how my mind/thoughts/beliefs

were all shaping my experience, my feelings toward this woman's emotional display began to change.  You see, I've learned that everyone handles stress in their lives differently. Our brains work differently because of individual chemical make up, DNA, and of course family and community conditioning.

    It turns out that this particular woman had difficulty dealing with ANY stressful situation. Because of a challenging childhood with no solid role models in her life, she never learned any basic coping skills so when a controversial event came her way she collapsed into an emotional wreck. 

    How could I not feel compassion for this person in pain having learned the truth of the matter, HER truth. The truth I could not see through my own perception at the time of the event? This really drove home a point for me. The fact that what we BELIEVE controls how we PERCEIVE the world around us. 

    So let's recap because this is important: Grief is grief no matter how it is doled out. If this person, who was living inside a mind that kept repeating discouraging thoughts about the world around her, was genuinely so distraught over the death of that office dog, than who am I to negate her feelings?  What gives me the right to judge her reactions and the level of pain she is experiencing? She simply hasn't discovered the truth yet. She doesn't know she actually has a choice in how she sees, thinks and feels about any situation that pops up in her experience. 

    And now, I walk with a stoic expression through a community leveled by a horrendous storm. The grief is all around me, as sharp and poignant as the smell the piles of debris are starting to give off. I walk through the flooded neighborhoods and feel the despair coming off those who believe their lives have also been ruined, my heart aching for the woman struggling to chase junk pickers away from her beloved belongings that were piled by the street waiting to be taken to the landfill station as if she were protecting the dead body of a loved one from vultures circling overhead.

    Then there is the survivor's guilt. Perhaps this could be material for another article entirely as it is also part of the Grief story here. My home, for example, is a mere 1.5 streets away from the catastrophic flooding that coastal areas experienced. My first reaction was to rejoice that my home was high and dry and I did not experience anything more challenging than a few days without electricity and internet. But how can I possibly rejoice and be happy about my 'good luck' when I am surrounded by those who lost everything? 

    Fortunately, I have been through these types of feelings before so I recognize them. I also know them more intimately than most having studied all the faces of grief for over 20 years now. Even so, the survivors guilt tries to take hold within my mind on this occasion so I gently remind myself that it is not 'wrong' for me to feel grateful for all that I have even though others have so much less.

    There will always be individuals we know or groups of people around the world who struggle with various levels of hardship and turmoil at any given moment in time. This is how we learn and grow as a species....through obstacles and challenges. While I can hold space for those who suffer, and offer what aid I am able, it is not my job to erase their loss or heal their pain. I can have compassion for their journey while still feeling grateful for the things I have in my life. 

    Grief is often messy and can come and go in varying levels of intensity for quite some time after the event itself has passed. My hope for you, if you have experienced great loss from these powerful storms is that you can take a moment now and then to be kind to yourself. Understand that you are experiencing GRIEF and that you have every right to explore these powerful feelings. Don't deny yourself this right. I for one, can say that yes, your grief IS REAL and is just as relevant as mine was all those years ago when my own life was blown to bits by the sudden death of a child.

 I see you all.....I feel you.....I support you in your healing space. Namaste

As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments.

Blessings on your journey to Self-Discovery after loss,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey: 
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over 

Grieving Part 3_Facing the Holidays

What Grief Wants

More From Vicky:

 www.whiteelephantwisdom.com

info@whiteelephantwisdom.com

Vicky's YouTube Channel

 White Elephant Wisdom on Facebook

Kids Grieve Too!

 Do you talk about death and grief with your children?

    In my vast experience with death, dying and the resulting grieving process, I have noticed a common thread among just about every family I encounter. They do not include young children in their grieving process. They either go out of their way to 'protect' the little ones in their lives by hiding the truth of it with false smiles and placating sentiments, or they completely ignore the process altogether leaving the child alone with his or her imagination.

    There are many reasons for this behavior and we have convinced ourselves that this is the kindest thing to do, but when is lying to a child ever the best way? 

    We seem to forget that children are 'born knowing'.  When they arrive into this world they come with all the knowledge they'd gained from previous life cycles as well as a strong connection to the other realms and dimensions they existed in before agreeing to drop into our physical world.  It is here, by the average age of 3 years, that they 'forget' all of that Soul knowledge and begin to live from a place of Ego-mind, reacting only to stimuli from the physical world around them.

    How many of you can remember your small children telling wild stories of "when they used to be big like Mommy"  (remembering a past life cycle?) or "Grandpa just told me" (when Grandpa has been dead for years)?  How do you respond to these encounters that our society has dubbed 'the imagings of a child'? Do you immediately try to convince the child these things are only in their imagination? 

    So many of us have done this for so long, generations really, that we have made it a habit to convince our kids that those things are not real, not understanding that we are effectively shutting down our children's natural ability to accept painful circumstances in their lives. 

"When left to their own imagination, children often assign blame to themselves for Mommy being sad all the time."

    How so you may ask? Because children thrive on truth. They can smell a lie a mile away and when a beloved adult in their lives like a parent hides a truth from them, covers it in sweeteners or outright ignores their need to know by saying things like, "This is not for children to worry about now go play" they are left to make up their own minds about the situation, usually by assigning blame to themselves for Mommy being sad or for Daddy being so angry all the time.

I'll Cry if I Want To!

 

I'll Cry if I want to...and I won't if I don't!

    I, myself am guilty of passing judgement on the bereaved. Yes, you heard that right, I have, in the past, judged how others grieve based on my pre-existing impressions of how a person should behave when faced with losing someone they were close to. I say 'pre-existing impressions' because that is how my mind worked BEFORE I wore the shoes of the griever myself. 

    Between my upbringing ("Stop that crying"  "You're fine" "Never share your weaknesses with others" ) the media, (think movie scenes where folks drop to the floor and wail uncontrollably when the news of a loved one's sudden passing is delivered) and my own cultural and community beliefs ("it's unnatural for a child to die before it's parents",  "It just isn't fair, how can anyone ever recover from losing a child?" and one of my personal favorites, "Suicide is WRONG. It's a sin against God") is it any wonder that people's reaction to sudden and/or traumatic loss can be all over the board?

   

I AM

 

Original Artwork by Ollie Brewster 
(small graphic contribution by Vicky Edgerly)

I AM

I am granddaughter to the generations that came before me.

I am grandmother to the generations that spring forth from me.

I am PRESENT in all generations….I AM

 

I am  a being of light.

I am a conduit for bringing light to the Earth.

I am kin to the very stars themselves…I AM

 

I am grounded in the physicality of Mother Earth.

Her rivers are my veins, her water is my blood.

I am a planter-of-seeds on earth…I AM

 

I am the caress of a gentle breeze, the blast of an arctic wind.

I am the first wail of a newborn

and the last breath of a dying old woman…IAM

 

I am granddaughter to the generations that came before me.

I am grandmother to the generations that spring forth from me.

I am PRESENT in all generations….I AM

by Vicky Edgerly ~ 2022

About the Above Image

The art you see above, and subsequent writing, resulted from one of my favorite human interactions to date... 

As the story goes, my eldest grandchild, Ollie, had been doing some pretty great artwork of late, and I felt compelled to having them do a custom piece for me. A portrait. 

This wasn't just any portrait.  I wanted Ollie to do a portrait of how THEY saw ME. I left it completely up to them to use whatever medium they wanted and to take as long as they needed.

It didn't take long before I received Ollie's finished portrait along with this interesting note:

"So i sat down to draw your portrait but i'm slightly afraid that it may have turned out to actually be a self portrait by accident"

WHAT GRIEF WANTS by Vicky Edgerly

What does my grief want from me anyway?!

I recognized during my very first grief journey that my pain was something of an enigma. Even though I didn’t want it anymore, I also didn't want anyone to try and take it from me.

 I appreciated those close to me who could sit with me and my pain….those who didn’t turn away when I dropped my veil and exposed the true nature of it.  The ugliness that it was.  I appreciated those Souls who could do that…the ones who could do that silently without agendas of their own. The ones who didn’t try to take my pain away from me. Because it was MINE….it was mine alone and no one could take it.  I would learn to resent those who tried. So yes, I guarded my pain like a jealous lover.

 "I know what it wants and I surrender..."

Today, some 20 years later, I still sit alone with my pain but it looks a lot different now.  Like lovers in a longtime relationship, we both have changed a lot along the way.  It’s quieter...we know each other so well after all these years that we can sit with each other in silence.  We can just BE together in the same room without one spoken word…there is no longer a need to name it. I know what it wants of me when it shows up at my door…there is no longer a need to search for reasons….to demand answers.  I know what it wants and I surrender.  I yield to it’s needs…I walk willingly into the familiar embrace.  I allow the pain, dulled by years of experience, tamed by my own stubborn struggle to ‘not let it win’, I allow it to envelope my whole being.  I rest my head upon it’s shoulder as we embrace and I allow the full richness of the penetrating sorrow to enter my being. I ALLOW it…I understand it’s needs. 

Lizards & COVID-19

Since my 'nature walks' are temporarily confined to my apartment complex because of the changes COVID 19 has brought to us, I am choosing to find adventure in my somewhat limited environment.

Today, I was amused to realize just how much I have been enjoying the little lizards that run around everywhere down here in Florida. I couldn't help but notice how my relationship with them has evolved during our 'quarantine' where dozens of them skip and skitter across my footpath on my daily walk-abouts.

As I was walking this morning I passed one who had lost most of its tail....and I spoke to it words of sympathy. Then, quickly realized that sympathy wasn't needed (or desired) but instead, offered compliments on how beautiful and agile it still was, tail or no tail.

Next I saw the biggest one I've seen to date perched atop the largest rock in that section of landscaping just as pretty as you please and so I said to it, "Well, I see you've made King of the Mountain.....but what makes you so sure you belong up there?" Which, I immediately realized was not needed (or desired) so I added, "but look at how beautiful your markings are and your confidence to stand alone for all to see is inspiring!"

As I rounded a corner a few minutes later I witnessed a large lizard chasing one that was half its size and I couldn't help my first response which was to scold the big bully. "Hey! STOP that and mind your own business" but then my attention turned to the little guy who so gracefully made its hasty exit and changed my thoughts and comments to, "Oh boy look at you go! Isn't it marvelous that you have your big friend there to help push you to be the best you can be!?" because, well, my first-impression comments steeped in bully/victimhood mentality were not needed (or desired).

Grieving Part 6_Valentine's Day for One

Valentine's Day for One

Have you ever felt the weight of being alone on Valentines Day?  (Or New Years Eve or any other holiday that suggests we must celebrate with a spouse or 'special someone') I think any one of us, whether we have lost a spouse through death or simply find ourselves without a partner when this special 'day of love' rolls around, can relate to the inevitable feelings of loneliness that arise within us. It seems to be a universal thing. So, if you are experiencing this because you find yourself unattached at the moment, can you imagine how much more intense it must feel for someone who, let's say, has recently lost their husband, wife or lover through something as 'final' as death?

Broken Hearts and Dead Flowers

Most of us who are grieving the death of that someone we considered to be 'the love of our lives' will certainly feel that loss much more acutely when Valentine's Day dawns.  We most likely have spent a certain amount of time 'dreading' the arrival of the magical day of Love as soon as we realized the calendar had changed to February.  We could see it clearly looming there before us in the not too distant future.  We convinced ourselves that it will be a horrible day for us...that we will most assuredly be sad, lonely and broken-hearted.  That we will spend the day in agony over missing the one we loved so dearly in life who is no longer here to make us feel special.  They won't be bringing us flowers & chocolate...or taking us to a lovely dinner for two or simply doing those silly little gestures of love we found so endearing when they were alive and here with us.  

Reality...A Matter of Perception

"These 7 little words actually hold all the answers to the mystery of life itself within them."

I want to talk about perception.  I think it's an underrated commodity.  As in, folks don't give it the value it deserves.  I mean really, think about this popular quote:
                                  "What we PERCEIVE is what we BELIEVE."

These 7 little words actually hold all the answers to the mystery of life itself within them.  How you say?  Well, because they are letting us in on the secret that our PERCEPTION of what is happening around us actually creates our reality!  Let's break it down...

What is Reality?

Some might think this a silly question with an obvious answer.  They might say something like, "Well that's obvious.  Reality is what we can see, hear, feel and touch.  It is the world around us and all that we experience within it."  Well I beg to differ with that opinion.  I believe 'reality' is a bit more complex than that, and yet in principal is really simple.  I believe that reality is based on how one PERCEIVES the various stimuli they are exposed to. 

Have you ever watched someone else face something especially challenging in their life with a steadfast determination that things will work out just fine and wondered to yourself, "how do they DO that?  Why aren't they falling apart?  I don't think I could handle that.....I'd surely crumble!"  

Or perhaps you are the person who watches someone in hysterics over a traumatic event and says silently to yourself, "Oh darlin, if you would only relax and surrender to what is happening things would be a lot less stressful for you as you go through this.  After all, things always have a way of working themselves out." 

What do you suppose makes these types of people so different from one another? I used to ponder this question quite often...until I figured out the answer.  PERCEPTION.  Perception is simply how we view what is happening around us.  And contrary to popular belief, we do actually have a CHOICE in all of this.  We, in each and every moment of our lives, can choose what to believe and what not to believe. There is great power in this realization. Let's go a bit deeper...

Grief and Our Pets

Grief and Our Pets

by Vicky Edgerly

     I had to say goodbye to my dog recently.  His name was Jangles and he was the youngest of 3 Labs that my late-husband and I raised together.  My 'Baby Boy'.  I cradled his sweet face in my lap and whispered words of love and gratitude into his ears as the drugs sent him off to sleep.  You would think that after burying both of my children and my husband, losing a pet would be inconsequential to me...but it isn't.  It isn't at all.

     I have a vivid memory of a woman grieving her deceased dog that used to spark a lot of anger in me. You see, my own son had taken his life at the tender age of 18 just a few weeks before, when a women I worked with announced the death of her beloved dog of some 15 years over the weekend.  This was during a time in my own journey where the grief over my son's suicide was still very much in the driver's seat.  I prided myself on how far I had come because I could go to the office and hold it together for the required eight hour day (although the floodgates would burst open as soon as I pushed through the exit doors at days end and hot, wet tears would be pouring down my face and bouncing off my shoes by the time I reached my car).

     The bereaved Dog Mommy was having a rough time with her own loss.  Her emotional state would periodically require her to get up and abandon her desk to go sit in the lunch room until she could get her tears under control.  This left me to handle her job of answering incoming calls, which seemed like an extreme hardship for me at the time as my still traumatized brain struggled to function properly in the workplace.

     My anger toward this woman, and others like her was very real and demanded my attention.  How dare these people compare the grief they feel over a deceased pet to that of a mother who has buried a child or a young widow who has had to say goodbye to the man she thought she'd spend her life with?  Really?

"That grieving dog Mom, as it turned out, had lived a life full of abuse, neglect and abandonment." 

Facing the Waters of My Youth

Facing the waters of my youth…

     I am, in fact, sitting at a table which is in front of a window facing the waters of my youth.  I am 56 years old in this moment frozen in time but I am also timeless….

Walker Pond is laid out before me…the Walker Pond of my own youth, where I played as a child during frequent visits here to my Mother’s family home.  The Walker Pond that I brought my own family to when my children were small…and the same Walker Pond that my grand children still enjoy on the less than frequent occasions that I bring them here.

     Today, I embody all of those eras and beyond….today I simply AM

As I gaze out the window, memories start to dance behind my eyes.  I can see myself as a young child fresh from the bath and in my pajamas for the night.  It’s a summer evening so there is still plenty of daylight outside.  I am savoring the pure joy of being allowed to run outside in the waning light.  That feeling that this was somehow ‘special’.  Squeaky clean and smelling of Ivory soap…hair still damp and combed neatly.  Running barefoot on the cool grass in these last few minutes of the day… sleep not far off.

     I am slightly older now, maybe 7 or 8.  My grandfather, once again, offers me a choice.  The crisp dollar bill he is holding out  in front of me or all the change he has stored in the pocket of his green Dickey work trousers.  As always, I choose the dollar bill which to my child’s mind is worth way more than coins, only to discover that the change in his pocket added up to several dollars… I fell for it again!

     I’m 18 now watching my cousin, Ernie ride his beloved dirt bike up and down the road that leads from the house to the pond. My mind lingers over Ernie for a bit, remembering.  Remembering what it was like to have this boy as our cousin and childhood playmate.  Ernie was born with a debilitating heart condition.  As children, we always knew that his life would be a short one.  Being so close to death entitled him to special consideration….we were not to ‘excite’ Ernie lest it cause him to have a heart attack.  As you can imagine, Ernie could get away with pretty much whatever he wanted since the old-fashioned types of punishments the rest of us received for naughty behaviors would not be administered to Ernie for fear of causing his failing to heart give out.

     Ernie died at 17…not long after the visit I described above.  I was pregnant with my first child at the time and living in New Hampshire which would require a 4 hour car ride should I attend the funeral services.  My family members insisted that I did not make the trip.  I was close to my delivery date and they were afraid I’d encounter problems with the stress of the travel and the solemn occasion.  Interesting how my view has changed over the last 40 years.  Back then, I went along with what all the ‘adults’ were saying.  Sitting where I am now, with the perspective I have gained over the years, I would not have given a second thought to attending and letting the chips fall where they may.

Things Could Always Be Worse!

   

     I've heard all the hype over Mercury Retrograde for years now but I never seem to be affected in any adverse way by it so I was not at all concerned about this one even though people I know are all saying it's a particularly challenging time for them. I didn't let it bother me and simply went about my business as usual, not worried at all about any mishaps that might result.

      I went out shopping for a new bathing suit, not an easy task in northern New England in March as most shops do not have any on the sales floor yet.  I had been looking for a couple of weeks now at various local stores to no avail.  The struggle is real I tell you!

     I finally found a store that had an entire section of this years suits all on display with an incredible array of styles and sizes.  I had hit the motherload!  I picked out 8 suits, the maximum number allowed in the dressing room at one time, and closed myself in the little booth that I was led to by the cheery sales clerk.  You know, the ones with the really horrible (realistic?) mirrors?

     I lined up my colorful selection of swimsuits and began to disrobe.  I placed my purse on the bench-seat provided and gently laid my eye glasses on top of it.  Have you ever experienced an intuitive 'warning' about something?  Well I got one of those when I placed my brand new, $400 pair of prescription eye glasses on top of that purse. I KNEW it was a bad idea but I ignored that little voice and simply set an intention to be super careful not to let anything happen to them.

     After trying on 7 of the 8 suits I was striking out and starting to get discouraged.   But, as luck would have it, the very last one I tried on was a keeper!  I felt like Cinderella when she was able to slip her foot into the perfectly fitting glass slipper at the last minute before the Prince gave up on his quest to find his love. (Humor me...as I said, the struggle is real!)

     I was so excited over my success that I began to hurry and get dressed lest this suit turn back into a pumpkin before I could purchase it and get it out of the store.  My elated joy was quickly replaced with horrible dread at the sound of a loud POP when I sat on the bench to put my shoes on.

The Ladybug

The Ladybug
by Vicky Edgerly
March 6, 2019

     I am not sure what I will be writing about this morning but am just "showing up" to see what happens.

     I will start with my waking thoughts of gratitude, for I surely did wake with a song in my heart and the promise of spring in the air.  Of course the bright sunshine straining to burst through my drawn curtains helped to set the mood but I believe it was much more than that.  I believe it has more to do with how I went to bed last night along with what I directed my thoughts to linger on every time I woke during the night.

     I went to sleep with a purpose.  I stated my purpose to myself and the cosmos.  I fell asleep with thoughts of gratitude playing through my mind.  I had pulled my selenite wand under the covers with me.  I held it in my hand and set the intention of working with the healing properties of this amazing earth element.  I assigned it the task of clearing and purifying my own energy field.  I asked it to help me slough off the days "junk" that I may have picked up along the way.  I'm speaking of energetic junk; thoughts, emotions and other types of frequencies that float around the environment in which I live, such as the quagmire of anxiety, restlessness, depression, anger, resentment, grief and guilt along with air pollution, food toxins and electromagnetic emissions from cell towers and electronic devices.

     I gave my body instructions to clear these things from my personal environment, my own energy body.  With a clear energy body I am much stronger and more capable to do the physical healing work inside my human body that it requires of me at this time.  So much is done while we sleep, while our ego mind is out of the way and not paying attention.

     I set my own body on the task of clearing itself of any toxins it's ready to release.  I offered gratitude to my own physical form for putting up with the years of neglect and abuse I have put it through...usually under the guise of "I need to make sure everyone else is taken care of first"... leaving myself last on the list of priorities.

      I purposely fell asleep with words of gratitude and intention on my lips.  I dreamt of a ladybug.  I remember only snippets of the dream but she came to me for protection and I carried her with me as she roamed up and down my arms at will.

      And so I awoke with a song in my heart and an overall feeling of being blessed in these early moments of the day.  I knew that I would prioritize my own morning routines today, ministering to my body, mind and spirit before even checking my cell phone.  I am so grateful to be at a stage in my life where I feel free to do these things.  So many years were spent hitting the floor running, rushing and charging through my day to get as much done as humanly possible leaving zero time to honor and care for myself.

     And so I awoke with a song in my heart.  Is this what they mean by raising my vibration?

     I drew back a curtain and cherished the morning sun on my face for a moment, then placed my selenite wand on the sill to bask in the sun's energy throughout the day.  As I offered it more expressions of gratitude for working with me during the night, I looked up and saw a lady bug crawling up the window pane.

   

     "Ladybug's appearance signals new happiness, often with material gains.  A renewed sense of well being occurs, and higher goals and new heights can be more easily attained over the following months.  Worries will begin to dissipate. " 

Excerpt from: The Animal Wise Tarot by Ted Andrews

As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments!
Love and Blessings to All,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

Contact Info:

Vicky Edgerly
White Elephant Wisdom LLC
info@whiteelephantwisdom.com
www.WhiteElephantWisdom.com

Follow Vicky on Facebook!

Check us out on YouTube!

Click HERE for more inspirational and informative blog posts

The Peach

The Peach
by Vicky Edgerly

     I'm perched on the eve of a new month.  This particular month feels HUGE to me.  The anticipation is palpable.  I can sense it, feel it and even TASTE it.

     It tastes like the sweet juice of a perfectly ripened peach, still warmed by the late summer sun.

     But, like the peach, first I must bite into the bristly, somewhat bitter skin if I am to taste that golden nectar that lies beyond its walls. I must TRUST that once I break through, there will be pure liquid joy on the other side.

     The trust is not an easy thing.. How many times have I settled into a comfortable spot with my treasured fruit poised and ready to savor only to find it mealy and dry inside, void of any flavor at all? But still, I pick up another peach and begin the ripening process all over again.

     That is what March 1st feels like to me this year (2019). I've bitten into a lot of tasteless peaches over the last few years but the one awaiting my attention now is sure to be perfect in every way.

     I can smell its promise of perfection.  And smelling it provides me with a taste of the memory of what I know lies just on the other side of that protective, outer shell.  I can feel its perfection in the way the flesh gives under the ever so slight pressure of my thumb.

     It is ready to be savored.  It is there for the taking. It has been waiting for me, and now our time has come to share this dance of give and take.

     The peach, like my life, exists solely to please me...to be savored and cherished by me.  When I give myself over to the experience...when I face the unpleasant skin of it upon entry....when I am brave enough to welcome those uncomfortable parts in order to reap the rewards of what lies beyond, then THAT is where the victory is for both of us.

     It knows I am grateful for that moment beyond anything else in my existence.  It knows....and that is what it has lived for.  That one instant of offering me this bittersweet moment in time.  This triumph over fear of the unknown.

     We both rejoice in our sense of accomplishment.  The peach in its ability to attract my focus...that I might shower it with every ounce of love and appreciation I can produce and me, for not discarding the bitter parts but for taking them all into my very being.  Bite after bite I allow the not-so-sweet parts to enter.  I love them too because of the rush of liquid gold they have been protecting.

  Together, we dance between sour faced puckers and sweet relief.  Back and forth we go, until we have become ONE.  This precious fruit has entered my body where it will continue to feel the gratitude of every cell that makes me human.  It just keeps on giving...now in the form of nourishment and my tissues, cells and organs sing in response to the treasured gifts it brings.

     And what is left when this experience is over?  I hold the best gift of all in the palm of my hand...the seed to begin this incredible cycle all over again.

As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments!
Love and Blessings to All,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

Contact Info:

Vicky Edgerly
White Elephant Wisdom LLC
info@whiteelephantwisdom.com
www.WhiteElephantWisdom.com

Follow Vicky on Facebook!

Check us out on YouTube!

Click HERE for more inspirational and informative blog posts

Grieving Part 5_For All My Widowed Friends Out There

     The Widow's Journey

     Every significant loss brings with it a grief journey that we must walk through. Each and every journey will be different from the last as well as the next.  With each death, we will experience a different set of feelings, triumphs and challenges that are unique to us just as our relationships with those who have passed were.  While there are some basic parts of grief that may seem ‘familiar’ to us, we will also encounter brand new feelings that will take us by surprise. Today, I’d like to talk specifically about the many challenges we face after losing a spouse.

     While I can only speak from personal experience based on the perceptions of a woman who has lost her husband, I can tell you that I have observed many similarities in the over-all list of challenges one faces after losing a spouse no matter what the gender is of the couple involved.  We are all finding ourselves in a position of having to 'let go' of our partner in life. 

     First, of course, we have to walk through those initial days of acute grief.  As always, this looks different for each individual but some common denominators are shock, numbness, uncontrollable emotions, inability to concentrate, wanting to be alone, needing to be near people, fear etc.  As we are fending off these types of rapidly changing moods and emotions, we also need to immediately make important decisions, mostly involving arrangements for the memorial services and/or burial.  For me, I found the darkest, most difficult times to bear during those early days were bedtime and first thing in the morning.  Something about climbing into the empty bed and then, waking in the morning also to an empty bed just brought the reality of the situation crashing in.  I was alone.

     It doesn't take us long to realize just how much we leaned on our mates during our daily lives.  Every morning when I woke my first thought was of him and the fact that he was really gone.  My instincts would be to reach for HIM for comfort.  He was my partner, my mate and my rock when I needed consoling and so I felt like I was caught in a paradox since he was my go-to for that support I so desperately needed.  I had already walked through losing both of my children with this man by my side so this realization of having to face this loss alone was stark and undeniable from the very first day. While I was fortunate enough to have family and friends willing to rally around me, internally, I still felt completely alone. If we are lucky enough to have great love in our relationship with our life partner, then we feel almost 'as one' so when one half of that equation dies, the other half feels alone, incomplete, broken.

Maintaining the Status Quo

     I consider myself lucky to have incredible friends and supportive family members who felt a calling to jump right in and help when they could.   They even organized a day where several folks came to my home to help me get my large property all buttoned up and prepared for a New Hampshire winter that first year. This was a really BIG blessing as I am someone who tends to take everything on myself rather than ask for help!  

     But once winter set in and time began to pass from weeks into months I found myself getting more and more run down as I did, out of necessity, take on all the various chores that my husband usually handled around the property.  

     At first, I tried to do it all.  I kept up with the things he took pride in around our place like heating our home with wood in winter, planting and nurturing a large vegetable garden and keeping our lawn manicured perfectly so it looked like a lush, green carpet at all times.  

     'Simply speaking my truth about this was a big step for me...I was beginning to change' 

So Many Clocks...So Little TIME

     Ever wonder just exactly what time is and how the decisions we make, because of time, affect us in our daily lives?  Our culture today is one where society actually seems to WORSHIP time.  Yes...worship as in holds time in the highest regard.  I find it fascinating how we constantly find creative ways to judge each other, (and ourselves!) based on how we use our time.

     We say things like, "Wow!  You got that project done in no time at all!" as if you are somehow better and more talented than the rest of us, with little or no consideration to the actual quality of the project itself.  Or, "He does really great work but it takes him so much longer than everyone else" implying that his 'great work' is somehow discounted because of the amount of TIME it takes him to complete it.

     We judge another's character by how well they 'manage their time'.  If you have a tendency to arrive late to social functions then you are considered disorganized or even rude.  If you arrive too early then you may be seen as 'overly anxious' and, oddly enough, also rude!  If you are someone who typically arrives precisely on time you may be appreciated and even congratulated for 'always being on time'...so dependable, something we should all strive for.

   

Do We Let Time Rule Our Lives?

     We use phrases like, 'Time is Money', 'In the Nick of Time', 'Bad Timing', 'I've Got Too Much Time on My Hands', 'Ravaged by Time' and 'If I Only Had More Time', giving time absolute power and control over our lives and all of our experiences.

     We chastise each other with comments like, "Aren't you a little young to be getting married?" and  "Don't you think you are a little old to be going back to school?"  And even (this is a really tough one for folks to look at but hey, this blog is about bringing difficult discussions to the table so....)  "They DIED BEFORE THEIR TIME"

Can We Really Manifest Our Hearts Desire?

  Is it Magic?

     What's all this I keep hearing about 'Manifesting' what you want in your life into realty?  Is it some sort of hocus pocus magic?  A pipe dream? Just a waste of my time?  Or is there some validity to it?

     I actually have learned that yes, indeed it's a real thing!  People, and by people I mean ALL people do actually have the ability to manifest things into their existence.   I am typically a skeptic by nature (well, at least my HUMAN self is a skeptic by 'nature' , my SOUL actually knows how to trust these things!)  who needs to see, touch and/or feel something before accepting it as truth, so I have acquired my beliefs through my own personal experiences.  I have seen, heard and felt some pretty amazing and often times, bizarre things over my lifetime for sure, but manifesting?  Really?

The Law of Attraction  VS  Goal Setting with Action

     

     There are all sorts of articles, books, and videos available to you on the Web where you can learn about different views on 'The Power of Manifestation Through the Law of Attraction' (Like attracts like)  OR  'Goal Setting with Specific Action Steps' (plan it then work hard to get it).  I will take this moment to invite you to do a little research on your own about this controversial subject.  As with anything I take on as a belief system, I like to thoroughly explore each concept first.  My motto here is EDUCATE  ENLIGHTEN   EMPOWER and I hold myself to this process too!   

Did YOU know?

Glen Moss Falls trail - Stowe, Vermont-USA
Photo Credit - Vicky Edgerly 2018

I Took a Walk the other day along the Glen Moss Falls trail in Stowe Vermont, USA. When I reached the final incline leading to the top of the falls, I was struck by the beauty of all the tree roots along the path that were exposed. (see picture)  I felt like the trees themselves were concerned about the safety and comfort of all the human foot travelers.  It was as if they had an intelligence of their own and selflessly offered up their roots to be used as footholds for our safe passage up the steep slope along the ledge. I couldn't help but wonder how many thousands upon thousands of feet had been supported by these same roots over the years. I was truly amazed and felt grateful that they were there for me!

Did You Know that trees of the same species in a forest have a sophisticated network of root systems that support each other as a community? They do!  Not only do they give each other structural support but they have the ability, through very sensitive root tips, to identify their own species when they encounter other roots underground and can actually pass food (sugar molecules) to their young as well as sick and diseased trees.  Wow! What a valiant show of community support! (Learn more about this phenomenon  HERE)

But What Does This Have to Do With ME?
     Mother Nature just blows me away.  We could all learn so much from her if we would only take her more seriously.  So let's consider ROOTS and how they can relate to us humans.

Surviving the Storm - Singing My Truth After Multiple Loss

Greetings All,
I've been waiting WEEKS to finally be able to sit down and write this post to share with all of you as it is serving as a grand announcement and debut, if you will, for my latest creative endeavors.  I've written a song! Yes, indeed, one morning while in the shower this catchy little verse with tune just popped into my head and I found myself singing it out loud...(using a very bad Irish accent I might add)!  So, apparently I am a singer/songwriter.  Who knew???

From Conception to Manifestation:

     If you look all around you and focus your attention on ANYTHING in your existence, and I do mean anything at all, and ponder where it came from and how it came into being, you will discover that it all started with a single THOUGHT. Everything that has ever been created by Man has started with one single thought.  Think about that for a moment and you will realize just how powerful our thoughts actually are!

     In this case, the song I am about to share with you started, for me, while in the shower one morning.  Showering is a wonderful opportunity to step out of our busy lives and into an almost meditative state of just BEING.  We can use this time to just BE while we ceremoniously cleanse our physical bodies.  If we give it some thought before stepping in, we can set an intention to actually use this time to slough off any worries and anxieties we have as well as soothe some of our aches and pains with the lulling effect of the hot water raining down on us.  By doing this, we can open our own channels of creativity.  How many of you occasionally sing in the shower?  It's quite common...congratulate yourselves for you are experiencing your own Soul's creative side when you are doing that.  You are ALLOWING that playful side of yourself the freedom of expression it craves.  BRAVO!