WHAT GRIEF WANTS by Vicky Edgerly

What does my grief want from me anyway?!

I recognized during my very first grief journey that my pain was something of an enigma. Even though I didn’t want it anymore, I also didn't want anyone to try and take it from me.

 I appreciated those close to me who could sit with me and my pain….those who didn’t turn away when I dropped my veil and exposed the true nature of it.  The ugliness that it was.  I appreciated those Souls who could do that…the ones who could do that silently without agendas of their own. The ones who didn’t try to take my pain away from me. Because it was MINE….it was mine alone and no one could take it.  I would learn to resent those who tried. So yes, I guarded my pain like a jealous lover.

 "I know what it wants and I surrender..."

Today, some 20 years later, I still sit alone with my pain but it looks a lot different now.  Like lovers in a longtime relationship, we both have changed a lot along the way.  It’s quieter...we know each other so well after all these years that we can sit with each other in silence.  We can just BE together in the same room without one spoken word…there is no longer a need to name it. I know what it wants of me when it shows up at my door…there is no longer a need to search for reasons….to demand answers.  I know what it wants and I surrender.  I yield to it’s needs…I walk willingly into the familiar embrace.  I allow the pain, dulled by years of experience, tamed by my own stubborn struggle to ‘not let it win’, I allow it to envelope my whole being.  I rest my head upon it’s shoulder as we embrace and I allow the full richness of the penetrating sorrow to enter my being. I ALLOW it…I understand it’s needs. 

Navigating the Turbulent Seas of Change

CHANGE...Funny how this little word makes a lot of us cringe! Granted, there are a few of you out there who have somehow learned to automatically welcome change and immediately become excited when it arrives at your door.  For the rest of us, though, it's not that easy!

     Let's face it, periodic changes in our lives are unavoidable.  Try as we might, we cannot out run change.  I am fond of saying, "The Universe will whisper in our ear when it wants us to seek change.  If we don't listen, it will tap us on the shoulder to get our attention.  If we continue to ignore the signs we are getting it will cuff us upside the head....and if we still refuse to budge it will knock the legs right out from underneath us so that we have no choice but face the needed change."  I've spent most of my life dragging this scenario out until I was knocked to the floor.  Always under the guise of "never give up or give in!"

     Case in point, I had a job that was not serving me physically, spiritually or financially but I was so comfortable in my role I refused to seek a new career.  The Universe started showing me in subtle ways (the 'whisper') by presenting financial challenges that I could not meet on my own with my current wage.  My answer?  Borrow...get someone else to help me through or simply go without things I needed or wanted.  So, like a stubborn child, I needed a little tap or 'cuff' on the head to get me moving...this presented itself as an on-the-job-injury.  Did I seek the change then?  Nope, I had the surgery and did my best to recover and back to the same job I went.  This time I let myself take on feelings of guilt for even thinking about leaving this job when my employers were so generous and helpful when I hurt myself.  After all, they counted on me a great deal and wouldn't I be ungrateful to simply leave them high and dry?  The Universe's response to this?  Re-injure the same wound.  I was then literally forced off the job and had to strike out on my own and break into a brand new career that I knew absolutely nothing about.  Scary!