What does my grief want from me anyway?!

I recognized during my very first grief journey that my pain was something of an enigma. Even though I didn’t want it anymore, I also didn't want anyone to try and take it from me.

I appreciated those close to me who could sit with me and my pain….those who didn’t turn away when I dropped my veil and exposed the true nature of it. The ugliness that it was. I appreciated those Souls who could do that…the ones who could do that silently without agendas of their own. The ones who didn’t try to take my pain away from me. Because it was MINE….it was mine alone and no one could take it. I would learn to resent those who tried. So yes, I guarded my pain like a jealous lover.

"I know what it wants and I surrender..."

Today, some 20 years later, I still sit alone with my pain but it looks a lot different now. Like lovers in a longtime relationship, we both have changed a lot along the way. It’s quieter...we know each other so well after all these years that we can sit with each other in silence. We can just BE together in the same room without one spoken word…there is no longer a need to name it. I know what it wants of me when it shows up at my door…there is no longer a need to search for reasons….to demand answers. I know what it wants and I surrender. I yield to it’s needs…I walk willingly into the familiar embrace. I allow the pain, dulled by years of experience, tamed by my own stubborn struggle to ‘not let it win’, I allow it to envelope my whole being. I rest my head upon it’s shoulder as we embrace and I allow the full richness of the penetrating sorrow to enter my being. I ALLOW it…I understand it’s needs.

I used to think it came to consume me. Like an invasive cancerous thing that we, by nature are designed to hate….to fight against at all cost. I used to think that…before I got to know it by name. Grief.

Turns out I misunderstood what it wanted. It doesn’t want to fight. To do so only creates more struggle, like thrashing about while trying to escape barbed wire would. I’d only become entangled and suffer more injury in the long run, for this is a battle that will never be won.

It doesn’t want to be pushed down, ignored or conquered. To do so only traps it in the physical body where it will take up residence and breed among my tissue and organs…eventually showing up on an MRI as a disease, injury or tumor.

So what does it want? I thought it wanted to be TRANSFORMED. Changed, altered and shaped by me into something beautiful and wonderful. Something I could bring to the world and say, “Look! See? Grief doesn’t have to be so painful. It doesn’t have to destroy us…..we can TRANSFORM it into a beautiful musical ballad or stunningly mesmerizing piece of artwork for all to love and admire….grief doesn’t have to be scary!

But even as noble an endeavor as that sounds, that is not at all what Grief really wants. It wasn't until I passed through all of that….all the bargaining, the fighting, the “WORK” to transform it, that I finally just gave in to it and let it pass THROUGH me…that is when the light finally came on.

My grief just wants to know that I understand it….that I see it for what it is….an ENERGY. A BIG energy…one that wont be denied or destroyed or even transformed. What it wants is to be FELT….SEEN and ACKNOWLEDGED. Once it has what it wants….it leaves all on it’s own, returning less and less frequently as the years go by but now, when I answer the knock and see it standing on the threshold, instead of slamming the door in it’s face, I invite it in and pull it into a warm embrace. My long lost friend who I know so well…who knows ME so well has come for a visit. Come sit for a while. You are welcome in my home.

And in exchange for my hospitality, Grief does something for me each time it visits. It removes another layer of my pain and suffering and takes it with them when it goes….leaving me lighter, wiser and more capable of handling any perceived struggle that comes my way.

So yes, my grief is MINE. It’s the most intimate relationship in my life. We’ve been together for so long now that I can sometimes intuit when it will visit next and occasionally miss it when it’s gone. I think of it fondly and reminisce of days when we didn’t get along so well. I rejoice in how far we have come.

Grief, the one relationship we can never leave, throw out, divorce or even ignore.

As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments.

Blessings on your journey to Self-Discovery after loss,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Reiki Master and Spiritual Teacher who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges. As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky specializes in showing folks the way through the grieving experience by applying metaphysical practices and offers private sessions as a “Grief Journey Guide”. She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences