Grieving Part 1...The Early Days

The Grief Storm

   Grieving the loss of a loved one is a very personal experience.  Just as no two people will handle their grief journey the same way, no single person will react the same way to two different significant losses.  Our reactions are based on many varying factors such as the nature of our relationship with the deceased, age and manor of death.  As is true with any life-altering event that shows up in our experience, our ability to cope with it in healthy ways depends a lot on how "healthy" we are to begin with.
   Speaking from my own experience, I can tell you that in the early days of my first grief journey I felt a lot like I had just fallen overboard and everyone on the boat was clamoring around the railing reaching out and yelling things that I could not "hear", yet no one offered to toss me a life preserver or pluck me out of the water.  One minute I was engaged with my surroundings and the next, I had sort of "checked-out" or gone deep within as everything around me seemed to fade into the background.  At times like these, it felt like I had slipped beneath the waves although there was something quite comforting and peaceful about those moments.  Even then I recognized that those moments served a good purpose. They gave me brief periods of time where I became numb to the pain. I could only allow so much of it in at a time.
     Then there are the other times were everything in my perception seemed bizarrely distorted. Sounds were too loud, smells that never bothered me were now offensive and I startled easily, like a shell-shocked soldier just back from war.
   My mind was blown, as if the brain had short-circuited, the connections fried.  I would stand face to face with a woman who was my neighbor for the past 15 years, whose children ate in my kitchen and slept in my house all during their youth, yet still not be able to recall her name or even where I should know her from. It's a very disturbing feeling, one of loss of control and downright frightening at times.  But is there a way past this?  Is there anything that can help us in those early days?

Finding the Eye

   Amidst all the chaos that is going on both outside you among your family and community, and inside you on an emotional and spiritual level, it's important to seek out what I call "The Eye of the Storm" (or "The Bubble of Calm").  This is a state we find ourselves in periodically when the tears seem to just stop and we are left sort of numb, just looking around, wondering  what the hell has happened to us.  We don't know how our lives will change or who we will even become as a result of  our loss but we know that nothing will ever be the same.
   We can use these periods of quiet to begin our real work, which is to SURVIVE what has happened.  All that is needed from us in these early days of the grief storm is to simply choose to survive.  Say it to yourself whenever you realize you have worked your way back to the eye of the storm.  "I Will Survive This".  You may not even be able to believe it so early into your journey but I can tell you that it will go a long way in setting the stage for how you maneuver your way through this part of your life.  (You can read about my own experience in choosing to be a survivor as opposed to a victim, in a previous blog post by clicking here)

Helping Someone You Know

   We all know that feeling of absolute helplessness when faced with someone we know who has just suffered a significant loss, especially if that loss seems sudden or senseless and involved a traumatic event.  We simply don't know what to say.....many of us choose not to say anything at all and cannot bring ourselves to even attend the funeral services while others will want to do what they can to help the family.  While there are no clear answers that will be effective 100% of the time, I can share with you some of my own insights having been on the receiving end of all the "You poor dear" looks and/or blank stares on many occasions.
   First I would suggest that you consider the current relationship you have with the bereaved. If you are an acquaintance or a co-worker and are not already part of their daily personal life, then I would not suggest much more than mailing a nice card, attending the services and offering a kind smile and a quick hug.  Most of us are pretty overwhelmed by the constant flow of "well wishers" so now is not the time for a lot of questions and some of us may not be able to even comprehend the "small talk" that is offered anyway, but quiet support is felt on levels we aren't even aware of at the time.
   If the newly bereaved is someone close to you then please, remain close!  They need you.....even if they don't' know it yet.  Many times our friends (and even some family members!) sort of fade away.  I'm sure there are many reasons for this all coming down to the uncomfortable nature of death and our inability to be willing to sit with another's pain.  If your friend or family member seems to be closing off or pushing you away, please be patient and gentle with them.  Remember that they are not running off all 6 cylinders at the moment.  Just wait quietly near by, reaching out now and again to let them know you are still there and thinking of them until they are ready to let you get closer.  Some of us are highly uncomfortable with letting others see us during this time of emotional struggle.
   It is commonplace for well wishers to continually offer "help".  That usually comes in the form of the question, "What can I do to help you and your family?"  Well here's the thing, we are in a place were we struggle to keep our brains working somewhat normally and that very question asks us to be more aware of our situation and surroundings than we are capable of at the moment. You are asking us to delegate chores when we don't even know what it is we need yet!
   Another consideration is that some of us are prideful and may have difficulty accepting help from others. My suggestion to you is to think about what you already know of their daily life and consider what you think YOU might need help with and just go out and DO it.  If you live next door and see the grass needs cutting......mow it yourself!  Knock on the door and just let them know you are here with your mower and ready to work. Then leave without intruding.  Call your friend in the morning and ask them what a good time would be for you to drop dinner off for the whole family or leave a written schedule with them for all the days you can drive their children to and from school (the written list is helpful as we cannot be counted on to remember what you told us for more than a few minutes!)
   If you are close enough to be "on the front lines" and are spending lots of time with your bereaved loved one, just follow their lead.  Sometimes they want to sit quietly and just be with the ones supporting them.  Conversation can be draining and too difficult to follow, but listening to others quietly chat around us can be soothing.  Other times they will NEED to talk about it.  If this makes you uncomfortable, simply tell them that you are feeling that way but encourage them to continue because you want to be there for them. If what they are telling you makes you emotional....express it!  Don't choke back your own tears, let them know you are willing to sit with them and bear witness to their pain, even feeling some of it yourself. If this is too far outside of your comfort zone then perhaps someone else would be more suited to stay close to them in the beginning.  Just offer what you can of yourself and know that as the days go by, their minds will slowly start processing what has happened and they will begin to find ways to heal.  Watch for the time when you can step back in and become more helpful.  Please don't just disappear from their lives!

Leave Your Expectations at the Door Please
 
   It's important to understand that no two grief journey's will ever look the same.  I know there are lots of books on the subject and some even push a "time line" of how grief should play out and while these sources do offer lots of helpful information, please be aware that none of it will apply to everyone. There is no "normal" when it comes to navigating through the grief storm.
   Please refrain from passing judgement onto your loved one for any behaviors you deem unbecoming.  We see some people so distraught that they throw themselves upon their husbands coffin and have to be physically removed while other times, we see a bereaved mother stoically deliver a personally written eulogy for their son who was just killed in a car crash 3 days ago.  It does not mean that the weeping woman is "weak" or that the stoic mother is "unfeeling".  What you are witnessing is most likely an exaggeration of what ever personality traits that person already had.  This is a common occurrence in people who have suffered some sort of shock or trauma.  For instance, if your friend was always an emotional person who weeps easily, then they are suddenly going to become super weepy....and if said person has always been a strong, take-charge kind of person before the death, then that is the one you most likely will see addressing the congregation at the funeral....even if it was their own child that passed.

   As daunting as the task of being supportive can be, it is often just as difficult for the bereaved to accept the support.  Again, please be patient.  If offers to help go unaccepted at first, give them some time to adjust a little bit then try again.
   My fondest, most powerful memories of the early days following my son's suicide were of 2 friends who offered "quiet support".  One, a woman I grew up with whom I hadn't seen in decades, was sitting in the church during the services.  She never approached me or intruded in anyway but as I was walking out, my eyes met hers where she was sitting in a pew and she smiled at me....ever so slightly.  I smiled back and "accepted" the love I could feel flowing from her.  The 2nd friend stepped up behind me at the grave site and simply touched my elbow then took a couple steps back to give the family privacy as we committed my son's body to the ground. Her thoughtful actions have stuck with me to this day.  It was "just enough" for her to let her presence be known and then just stand behind me as if to say, "I'm here friend when you are ready...I've got your back for now".  No words were needed, nor could they have helped me at that time any more than this quiet gesture did.

Blessings,
Vicky

For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey: 
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over

Please visit my website at www.whiteelephantwisdom.com