Kids Grieve Too!

 Do you talk about death and grief with your children?

    In my vast experience with death, dying and the resulting grieving process, I have noticed a common thread among just about every family I encounter. They do not include young children in their grieving process. They either go out of their way to 'protect' the little ones in their lives by hiding the truth of it with false smiles and placating sentiments, or they completely ignore the process altogether leaving the child alone with his or her imagination.

    There are many reasons for this behavior and we have convinced ourselves that this is the kindest thing to do, but when is lying to a child ever the best way? 

    We seem to forget that children are 'born knowing'.  When they arrive into this world they come with all the knowledge they'd gained from previous life cycles as well as a strong connection to the other realms and dimensions they existed in before agreeing to drop into our physical world.  It is here, by the average age of 3 years, that they 'forget' all of that Soul knowledge and begin to live from a place of Ego-mind, reacting only to stimuli from the physical world around them.

    How many of you can remember your small children telling wild stories of "when they used to be big like Mommy"  (remembering a past life cycle?) or "Grandpa just told me" (when Grandpa has been dead for years)?  How do you respond to these encounters that our society has dubbed 'the imagings of a child'? Do you immediately try to convince the child these things are only in their imagination? 

    So many of us have done this for so long, generations really, that we have made it a habit to convince our kids that those things are not real, not understanding that we are effectively shutting down our children's natural ability to accept painful circumstances in their lives. 

"When left to their own imagination, children often assign blame to themselves for Mommy being sad all the time."

    How so you may ask? Because children thrive on truth. They can smell a lie a mile away and when a beloved adult in their lives like a parent hides a truth from them, covers it in sweeteners or outright ignores their need to know by saying things like, "This is not for children to worry about now go play" they are left to make up their own minds about the situation, usually by assigning blame to themselves for Mommy being sad or for Daddy being so angry all the time.

I'll Cry if I Want To!

 

I'll Cry if I want to...and I won't if I don't!

    I, myself am guilty of passing judgement on the bereaved. Yes, you heard that right, I have, in the past, judged how others grieve based on my pre-existing impressions of how a person should behave when faced with losing someone they were close to. I say 'pre-existing impressions' because that is how my mind worked BEFORE I wore the shoes of the griever myself. 

    Between my upbringing ("Stop that crying"  "You're fine" "Never share your weaknesses with others" ) the media, (think movie scenes where folks drop to the floor and wail uncontrollably when the news of a loved one's sudden passing is delivered) and my own cultural and community beliefs ("it's unnatural for a child to die before it's parents",  "It just isn't fair, how can anyone ever recover from losing a child?" and one of my personal favorites, "Suicide is WRONG. It's a sin against God") is it any wonder that people's reaction to sudden and/or traumatic loss can be all over the board?

   

WHAT GRIEF WANTS by Vicky Edgerly

What does my grief want from me anyway?!

I recognized during my very first grief journey that my pain was something of an enigma. Even though I didn’t want it anymore, I also didn't want anyone to try and take it from me.

 I appreciated those close to me who could sit with me and my pain….those who didn’t turn away when I dropped my veil and exposed the true nature of it.  The ugliness that it was.  I appreciated those Souls who could do that…the ones who could do that silently without agendas of their own. The ones who didn’t try to take my pain away from me. Because it was MINE….it was mine alone and no one could take it.  I would learn to resent those who tried. So yes, I guarded my pain like a jealous lover.

 "I know what it wants and I surrender..."

Today, some 20 years later, I still sit alone with my pain but it looks a lot different now.  Like lovers in a longtime relationship, we both have changed a lot along the way.  It’s quieter...we know each other so well after all these years that we can sit with each other in silence.  We can just BE together in the same room without one spoken word…there is no longer a need to name it. I know what it wants of me when it shows up at my door…there is no longer a need to search for reasons….to demand answers.  I know what it wants and I surrender.  I yield to it’s needs…I walk willingly into the familiar embrace.  I allow the pain, dulled by years of experience, tamed by my own stubborn struggle to ‘not let it win’, I allow it to envelope my whole being.  I rest my head upon it’s shoulder as we embrace and I allow the full richness of the penetrating sorrow to enter my being. I ALLOW it…I understand it’s needs. 

Reality...A Matter of Perception

"These 7 little words actually hold all the answers to the mystery of life itself within them."

I want to talk about perception.  I think it's an underrated commodity.  As in, folks don't give it the value it deserves.  I mean really, think about this popular quote:
                                  "What we PERCEIVE is what we BELIEVE."

These 7 little words actually hold all the answers to the mystery of life itself within them.  How you say?  Well, because they are letting us in on the secret that our PERCEPTION of what is happening around us actually creates our reality!  Let's break it down...

What is Reality?

Some might think this a silly question with an obvious answer.  They might say something like, "Well that's obvious.  Reality is what we can see, hear, feel and touch.  It is the world around us and all that we experience within it."  Well I beg to differ with that opinion.  I believe 'reality' is a bit more complex than that, and yet in principal is really simple.  I believe that reality is based on how one PERCEIVES the various stimuli they are exposed to. 

Have you ever watched someone else face something especially challenging in their life with a steadfast determination that things will work out just fine and wondered to yourself, "how do they DO that?  Why aren't they falling apart?  I don't think I could handle that.....I'd surely crumble!"  

Or perhaps you are the person who watches someone in hysterics over a traumatic event and says silently to yourself, "Oh darlin, if you would only relax and surrender to what is happening things would be a lot less stressful for you as you go through this.  After all, things always have a way of working themselves out." 

What do you suppose makes these types of people so different from one another? I used to ponder this question quite often...until I figured out the answer.  PERCEPTION.  Perception is simply how we view what is happening around us.  And contrary to popular belief, we do actually have a CHOICE in all of this.  We, in each and every moment of our lives, can choose what to believe and what not to believe. There is great power in this realization. Let's go a bit deeper...

Grieving Part 4_When Death is "Expected"

When Death is Expected

    Some would say that an 'expected death' is easier to grieve then a sudden, unexpected one.  I would have to say that may be the case for some, but not necessarily true for all.  I could liken it to removing a band aid.....some people think it's easier to peel it off slowly & carefully, while others prefer to just yank it off and get it over with.  

     When someone we love passes from a long, debilitating illness, most of us will experience a 'kinder, gentler' sort of grief.  We've had time with our loved one to care for them while they were ill and can often feel a sense of relief when their pain and suffering is over.  We receive sentiments from our family and friends to the tune of, "At least now the suffering is over"  and "You can stop worrying about them now, knowing they have gone on to a better place"  

     While these may seem like appropriate things to say, they often make us feel like we should be stronger than we actually feel....like we should not be so sad since the death was expected after all.  This is especially true if we have lost someone very young.
     Others have a more difficult time with this type of death.  I think a big factor that will affect one's ability to cope with the grief after the passing is 'acceptance'.  Those who were able to come to terms with what was happening...that death was the inevitable outcome, and accept this early on in the process, are most likely going to be able to process their grief with a little less discomfort than those who could not.  It's a difficult situation to be in.  Watching someone we love suffer from a terminal illness, all the while hoping and praying that they will somehow recover and never really giving up hope for a miracle until the last breath is spent, can often lead us into periods of 'denial' instead of acceptance.  ***Learn more about Conscious Living and Dying HERE

Conflicting Emotions

     While it is true, to a certain extent we are able to rejoice in the relief of suffering for our loved one, our own suffering is still quite real and urgent.  We can have conflicting emotions.  One moment we may seem to be in complete control of ourselves and our emotions and the next moment we are distraught with pain and confusion.  We might question our own sanity because of our reactions.  We may be smiling on the outside....feeling genuine elation that the suffering is over.  We often feel a sense of 'awe and pride' toward our loved one for fighting such a gallant fight and even want to cheer them on for reaching the goal of leaving the physical body and finding peace in the afterlife.  But at the same time, on the inside we are silently screaming from the pain of our personal loss.  We are asking ourselves questions like, "My daughter just died and I am relieved? What is wrong with me?"  This can lead to misplaced feelings of guilt if we are not consciously aware that this sort of reaction is actually pretty common. It's important to try not to pass judgment on ourselves and anything we may be feeling. 

Finding the Gifts

     If you were to ask the grieving mother of a young boy suddenly killed in a car crash to "Find the gifts this experience has brought", you most likely would be met with a horrified look or even an emotionally charged, often angry, response.  But if you pose this same question to a parent who spent the last year or two caring for their boy while he slipped away from a long and debilitating illness, you might find that a lot of us can recognize these 'gifts' pretty early on in our grieving process.
      During my own personal journey through my daughter's cancer death, I could see right away that the illness actually brought with it, the gift of healing.  Since she and I always had a troubled relationship, when faced with her pending death, we were both able to recognize the importance of dropping judgments toward each other and healing the mother daughter relationship.  We had this special time together to learn how to love one another again and that was, indeed, a very special gift.  Do I wish she was still here with us?  Of course I do!  But she is not, and so in light of that I can take comfort by rejoicing in the gifts that she left behind.  It's my personal choice to try and find these hidden treasures in any difficult situation I find myself in and so I appear to be more resilient than some in the same situation.  But as you can see, I am not necessarily more resilient than the next person, I just make a conscious effort to focus on healthy, healing thoughts just as soon as I can when faced with tragedy, and this process helps me come to a place of acceptance more readily than some.
     There are, of course, numerous 'gifts' being given to the person who is dying as well.  Not everyone in these cases will have the same wonderful opportunities but those who still have some physical ability to engage in life will often do so with 'new eyes'.  I am always amazed by the grace a dying person exhibits.  There  is a certain calm....a certain 'knowingness' about them if they are fortunate enough to be consciously accepting of the process that is unfolding.  It is truly humbling to watch as they release those things in their lives that are beyond their control, and embrace the simpler, more potent experiences of love, forgiveness and healing.

 When it Gets Complicated

     Of course not all expected deaths are quite that easy to process.  Some could argue that the long, drawn out illness in and of itself can create a more difficult grief journey for those left behind.  I think this is especially true when it is a child who has died.
     I think we can all agree that watching your own child suffer is one of the hardest things for a parent to endure.  So naturally, a parent who has taken an active role in caring for a sick child who eventually passes away is faced with a different set of challenges than say, an adult child who nurses an elderly parent at the end of their life will. In these cases we can feel almost 'shell-shocked'.  We've just spent months or even years in a constant state of anxiety over the pending death.  We've spent enormous amounts of our own physical and emotional energy on their care and suddenly, it's over and we are left standing there feeling confused and without direction.  While we were powerless to stop the progression of the illness to begin with, at least we had 'things to do' to busy ourselves and keep us occupied with offering care and comfort measures but once the memorial services and burials are over with, we suddenly find ourselves sort of free-falling with no directions on how to steady ourselves.

     At the opposite end of the scale, so to speak, we find an elderly man who recently lost his wife and partner of over 50 years.  How does one find the will to build a brand new life when they, themselves are at an age where their own death is looming in the not so distant future?   In cases like this the grief can be more difficult to process and lead to a more lasting state of depression and a "Why bother?" attitude.  I think it's important for friends and family members to remember this and try to find ways to reach out to our bereaved elders and include them in the land of the living.  Hopefully, we can show them that there are still so many joys in life to experience.  Sometimes this can be accomplished simply by showing them that they are still useful.  Perhaps they have a skill in woodworking that you can show an interest in.  Gently try to get them to engage in life again.  Ask them to tell you stories of when he and his beloved first met.  Let him relive those days as often as he needs to and thank him for sharing with you.

 

Helping Someone You Know

     If you know someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one resulting from a terminal illness or disease of some kind, there are lots of ways you can offer your help.  One big difference between grievers in this type of situation and people who have suffered sudden, traumatic loss is that the surviving loved ones tend to want to have people around them and so visiting and helping with things around the house can be a good place to start.  

     I think this has to do what what I will call "The Tending Stage".  After a sudden death, or even any kind of life event trauma, those affected can benefit from a period of 'tending'. This is often a time where they just need quiet and rest.  Trying to carry on conversations can be too difficult and can quickly drain their energy, (read more about this in a previous blog post HERE), while the survivor of an expected death is often ready to talk about the process right away.  This, I feel, is because they have taken that time for 'self tending' all along the way in little bits throughout the weeks and months leading up to the death.  This is the 'band-aid effect' I spoke about at the beginning of this blog post.  These are the people that are experiencing the kinder, gentler grief process I mentioned.  They are simply taking it in slowly, over time instead of being thrown into it with no warning.

     Many of us bring our dying ones home for their final days and are immersed in their care, often times for many months or even years.  The house is full of medical equipment and supplies and our days have been busy with all sorts of extra duties involved in caring for our loved one when suddenly, we find ourselves with all this free time on our hands.  It's nice to have friends and family around to help fill that void.  Especially those who were active in helping us care for them, or have already lived similar circumstances and can be a sounding board for us as we begin to sort out some of our feelings.  It almost always helps to be around people who know, first hand, what we've gone through.

     One big task that you might offer to help with would be to remove all the medical equipment.  If the family had taken on all sorts of things like hospital beds and wheelchairs etc., and you are an expert at selling things on Crag's list, then perhaps you can offer your services to help the family remove these things from their home and recoup some of the money they spent along the way.  Most people would be very grateful for this kind of help.

     Cleaning house is always a big help too.  I know that it was something I truly appreciated when my daughter was dying.  I was so saturated in her care and trying to maintain a full time job away from home at the same time, that my house chores had to take a back seat.  I had to learn to accept help from my 'Angelic' friends who showed up with buckets and rubber gloves to help pick up the slack. 

     Above all, I like to make it a point to remind people that the grief journey is a very personal one.  No two grief experiences are the same...they are as individual as the person who died was and so not everyone will respond the same way to your offers of help.  Just use your instinct and let it guide you. Find gentle ways to offer your help, services or just your compassionate company and take the cues you are given in response.  If your friend declines and says they'd rather be alone...or 'do it themselves', then be prepared to let them. Try not to push your own expectations on them. If you see an area that they seem to be struggling with and you feel you can help then by all means, offer again.  I can almost guarantee you that your grieving friend is toggling back and forth between feeling 'strong, ok and in charge' one minute and feeling 'devastated, laid low and out of control' the next.  Just keep checking in.  If you offered to help remove the hospital bed and they refused, yet a month goes by and you notice the bed is still there, maybe you could offer again....maybe they just weren't ready the first time but they might be now.  Just remember that grieving is a process that brings many mood changes to your friend.  Understand how important your role is in helping them through and be there for them when they need you, and give them space when that is what is required.  Healing will take place over time when love is present. 

Many Blessings,

Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey: 
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over 
Grieving Part 3_Facing the Holidays

Please visit my website at www.whiteelephantwisdom.com

***Thoughtful discussion is welcome. Please comment below

Grieving Part 3_Facing the Holidays

      With the holiday season upon us, my mind naturally wanders to those who have suffered a loss through death this past year.  I am far too familiar with the apprehension and even dread that most will feel as they approach this festive time of year without their loved one present for the first time.  I can only hope that a few words from someone who has already walked that particular path might help them in some small way.
     I'd like to start by acknowledging the fact that my words may not 'speak to' everyone who is grieving a loss.  Because no two people are exactly alike in the way they think and behave, no two grief journeys will be the same and no one, single source will address all your struggles and concerns.  I must also consider the many different faiths and cultural practices around the wold today and understand that I cannot speak about that which I do not know.  Because of this I can only speak from a place that I know intimately......my own memories of my experiences and all that I have learned since my first significant loss in 2002.
   I come from a 'non-religious' background whose family celebrates the standard holidays recognized in the US based on Christian and/or Pagan rituals and observances.  But grief speaks a UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE and is understood by all who experience it at very basic, primal levels.  In this way we are all brothers and sisters.....all of us who grieve during our holiday seasons whether it is Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa we are celebrating.

Self-Care First!

   My first piece of advice as you approach the holiday season is to practice self-care first and foremost.  This is NON-NEGOTIABLE!  Throughout your grief journey I would encourage you to find ways to be kind to yourself.  Maybe you'd enjoy a nice massage or can treat yourself to a mani or pedi (or all 3!).  If circumstances in your life do not allow for this type of luxury, you can still find other ways to be nice to yourself such as soaking in a hot bath or spending a quiet hour curled up in your favorite chair with a cup of tea and a book.  Whatever you decide to do for yourself, I hope you can make this a regular occurrence as it will serve you well in dealing with some of the anxiety and depression associated with grieving.  Grieving is not a brief process....you are in it for the long haul so you might as well develop helpful and healthy self-care practices from the beginning. Your body, mind and spirit will all be glad you did!

Beware the Pitfalls!
 

   One of the things I learned early on about grief and the holidays is that we grievers tend to react in one of two distinctly different ways.  Some of us recoil from the festivities and prefer to be alone since being around a lot of people is too much for us to handle, while others go out of their way to be part of all the social events they are used to, even hosting some themselves as a way of feeling 'normal' during the holidays.
   Both are perfectly 'normal' and acceptable.  Please do not judge yourself or anyone else who is grieving for their feelings on the subject.  If you are the one who is shying away from the crowds, then you can use that time to do something special for yourself.  Perhaps pour yourself a glass of wine on Christmas Eve, put some soft holiday music on and have yourself a good cry over the family photo albums.....reliving scenes of Christmas Past. Allow the memories to wash over you and pass through you. This will most likely bring up some emotional response from you and  is a good way to process and release some of your grief from time to time.  Crying can be very cleansing and freeing.
   If you are feeling like 'the show must go on' and want to go all out to host your family or friends during a holiday celebration, then do it!  I would only warn you to be mindful of the physical drain orchestrating such an event entails.  Please check in with yourself often to make sure you are not taking on more than you can handle.  Becoming physically exhausted makes grief harder to bear and will only serve to be counter-productive in the long run.
   I think the biggest pitfall people stumble into regarding grief and the holidays is the amount of time and energy they spend dreading it as it approaches.  I know it can't be helped......I've done it myself....more than once.  But I can tell you from experience that the actual day itself, once it arrives, never seems to hold as much 'darkness' and 'power' as I had imagined it would.  This same is true for other important dates like birthdays and the anniversary of your loved one's passing.  It's the 'fear of the unknown' that has power over us.  Once the day dawns and we realize we are still standing and breathing, just like any other day, the fear begins to loose it's power over us.

Rituals.....Old & New

Holiday Rituals

    Meanwhile, as the holiday in question approaches, we agonize over what we'll do.  Will we go ahead 'business as usual' and do all the shopping, decorating, cooking and socializing?  Do we still cook the same traditional foods?  Do we still perform the same annual rituals?  Do we create something brand new, to avoid triggering painful memories or do we bow out all together and stay home alone watching movies in our sweatpants?
   Again, I cannot stress enough that there are no right or wrong ways of dealing with the holidays.  The most important part of this equation is YOU.  What do YOU want to do or not want to do?  Myself, I decided to keep the old traditions AND add some new ones. The images you see above are a sampling of how I honor my daughter's life at Christmas time.  Her oldest daughter has made a ritual of placing a memorial ornament with her Mom's picture in it on our tree...it gets to be placed first every year.  All three of my grandchildren have established a candle lighting ceremony that we do at every holiday meal.   They each light one candle and we say a prayer of thanks and welcome those we love in the afterlife to come and join us for each celebration. And even though no one really likes the cherry flavored Jello cookies, I still make them every year for my daughter since they were always her favorite!  The number of ways to create ritual and ceremony to honor a loved one's life is endless and there are no 'rules' so get creative!  Do whatever feels right for you.
   This sort of thing may not appeal to some of you.  You may be looking for ways to change your holiday practices in order to create something brand new that will not serve as a reminder of your loss.  This is perfectly fine too! This grief journey is yours and yours alone so you get to decide.  The only time you should be considering someone else's feelings on the subject is if that someone is also grieving the same loss and is part of your inner circle.  In other words, if you want to shy away from the festivities this year but your husband wants to be a part of them, then consider finding a way to compromise.  Be gentle with one another because, as I am fond of pointing out, no two grief experiences are the same and no two people respond the same way so neither of you is 'right' or 'wrong'.  Please try to avoid pressuring another to see it your way.  Honor their own process as much as you can without compromising your own needs and wishes.  If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to go to that office party with your husband this year, tell him your reasons why.  Tell him how you are feeling and ask him to respect your wishes.  If it means that much to him, perhaps he can go alone this year or take a trusted friend in your place.  Or maybe you can compromise and skip the the company party with the big crowds of people but agree to attend a smaller, more intimate neighborhood gathering together.  What ever the case may be, please remember to be gentle with yourself and do not pass judgement on yourself for not functioning at 100% yet.

Helping Someone You Know

   If I had to choose only one thing to say to those wishing to offer their support to a grieving loved one during the holidays it would be this. DO NOT JUDGE!  Well wishers often think they know what is 'best for us' and express this with statements like:  "Oh come on, it will be good for you to be around other people, it will help you get your mind off 'things' (***It's very common for people to be afraid to speak the deceased person's name when addressing the griever directly)"  or.....  "Don't you think (insert deceased person's name here)_______ would have wanted you to enjoy this day?"  or....."Do you really think you should be going all out this year?  Wouldn't you prefer a quiet day instead?"  It's a difficult position to be in and you may be feeling quite awkward and at a loss for words when faced with your friend or family member who is still experiencing heavy grief during the holidays, so I will offer you a couple of things to consider that you might find helpful.

    The first thing that comes to my mind is probably one of the biggest elephants in the room when it comes to interacting with the newly bereaved and that is our reluctance to SAY THEIR NAMES.  It sounds simple enough....but this is something most people (who have not suffered a significant loss themselves) try to avoid like the plague. (See previous blog post "Grieving Part 2" for more about this)    It literally makes them squirm....but I have to tell you that for us, hearing their name is like life's blood itself.  You see, just because our loved one left their physical body, does not mean they ceased to exist!  It makes us feel like people are judging us if we cannot speak their name freely.  It makes us feel like people want us to forget....EXPECT us to forget but forgetting is not possible for us nor is it something I recommend you try to do!   Mentioning them during the holidays may produce some tears for us in the beginning but have a little faith and a LOT of patience and eventually, we will smile and laugh when someone tells the story of the time our deceased son tipped the whole tree over in his haste to get at his gift in the back.....honest we will! Maybe not this year but someday we will.

   If you took the time to read the previous sections of this blog post, then you are acquainted with the way grievers tend to fall into two categories......they either hide themselves away or they go all out.  Either way, you can help if you really want to.  If your person has chosen to stay clear of all celebrations, then find some time to talk to them about this prior to the holiday.  Ask them if they are sure this is what they really want or if they are choosing to stay away to 'protect others' in the group.  Some of us feel like our sadness is a burden for others and we may choose to skip Christmas dinner at Aunt Flo's because we don't want to be a downer!  If you discover this to be the case, perhaps together with some other family members, you can find a way to help your griever feel comfortable enough to join in......even if it's only for dessert.  If they reveal that they truly want to be alone, then perhaps you could offer to stop by with a plate of left overs at the end of the day for them.  They might be able to accept that small gesture and your kindness may help them feel better about 'missing out'. 

   If you see that your recently widowed sister seems to be taking it all on herself and is planning to host the entire family at her place, perhaps you can step in and insist on coming to help her with everything and that might even include all the planning that goes into it along with the pre-holiday prep work like grocery shopping and making sure the house gets cleaned and decorated.  I'm sure she would welcome the help and your support will not go unappreciated.

Love Knows No Boundaries

   I hope these words have helped you in some small way to begin to understand that LOVE is everlasting.  It survives all things.....including death.  It exists in the coldest, darkest places....if we'd only be brave enough to look for it.  I continue to hold all of my bereaved brothers and sisters in my thoughts and prayers this, and every holiday season.  May you all find peace in your days and may you continue to feel the love of those who have passed on from this life.
   As I sit here finishing up this post, I am warmed by my own deceased grandmother's presence since I am immersed in the heady scent of fresh bread baking...one of her recipes and a family favorite.  And tomorrow, at the Thanksgiving dinner table, when everyone starts to rave about how delicious the home-made oatmeal dinner rolls are that I contributed, (and they all will!) I will offer up a big smile and announce how these are 'Grammie Audrey's Rolls'.  And in this way, I will have brought her into that present moment to celebrate family and friends with us.

Blessings,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey: 
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over

Please visit my website at www.whiteelephantwisdom.com

***Thoughtful discussion is welcome. Please comment below

Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over

When the Party's Over

      So the funeral, memorial service or celebration of life is over, the last of the neighbor's gifted casseroles have been eaten or given away and you've tossed out all the flower arrangements with their overly sweet scented, faded blooms.  Now what?

     Some of us have dreaded this moment....the one where we suddenly find ourselves all alone with our grief while others have been counting the minutes until they can finally have some privacy to begin their healing process.  Again, I must point out that no two grief experiences are the same.  Just as we are all unique as individuals, so are our grief experiences.  I like to point this out frequently in an attempt to show people that pre-conceived notions and judgements about the grief journey really have no place in our lives if we truly want to heal and grow from our experience.  There is no such thing as a neat and tidy list like "the stages of grief".  No matter what all the books say, I am here to tell you that it doesn't work that way.  While these lists can certainly serve us by providing a sort of "baseline" of things we might expect to experience, the actual grieving process itself is messy and does not necessarily follow rules.
     For instance, I remember wanting to be left alone after my son's suicide.  I only wanted my fiance near me and occasionally my sister...the 2 people I was closest to at the time. I can recall feeling agitated that I continued to receive "sympathy" cards weeks after the death....as if the community needed to remind me that my son was dead.....as if that wasn't all I thought about, every minute of every day. The irony of this is that a couple of months later I would feel "abandoned" by everyone because suddenly all the cards and calls stopped coming.  I felt like I had been dropped off on a deserted island and left there while the rest of humanity went on about their daily lives without me. I felt completely disconnected from everyone and everything.
     My daughter's death, on the other hand, followed a long illness.  She lived here in my home where I managed her hospice care myself along with a team of loving friends and family members. Since this was an "expected death", the grieving process was one of a kinder, gentler nature.  While I still felt exhausted and drained from the months and months of  stress I lived with, I wanted people around me after her death.  I enjoyed spending time with people who knew her and I loved to hear their stories.  It allowed me to see the woman my daughter was through the eyes of others.  These were two totally different experiences and I responded to them each quite differently.   

Picking up the Pieces

Grieving Part 1...The Early Days

The Grief Storm

   Grieving the loss of a loved one is a very personal experience.  Just as no two people will handle their grief journey the same way, no single person will react the same way to two different significant losses.  Our reactions are based on many varying factors such as the nature of our relationship with the deceased, age and manor of death.  As is true with any life-altering event that shows up in our experience, our ability to cope with it in healthy ways depends a lot on how "healthy" we are to begin with.
   Speaking from my own experience, I can tell you that in the early days of my first grief journey I felt a lot like I had just fallen overboard and everyone on the boat was clamoring around the railing reaching out and yelling things that I could not "hear", yet no one offered to toss me a life preserver or pluck me out of the water.  One minute I was engaged with my surroundings and the next, I had sort of "checked-out" or gone deep within as everything around me seemed to fade into the background.  At times like these, it felt like I had slipped beneath the waves although there was something quite comforting and peaceful about those moments.  Even then I recognized that those moments served a good purpose. They gave me brief periods of time where I became numb to the pain. I could only allow so much of it in at a time.
     Then there are the other times were everything in my perception seemed bizarrely distorted. Sounds were too loud, smells that never bothered me were now offensive and I startled easily, like a shell-shocked soldier just back from war.
   My mind was blown, as if the brain had short-circuited, the connections fried.  I would stand face to face with a woman who was my neighbor for the past 15 years, whose children ate in my kitchen and slept in my house all during their youth, yet still not be able to recall her name or even where I should know her from. It's a very disturbing feeling, one of loss of control and downright frightening at times.  But is there a way past this?  Is there anything that can help us in those early days?

Finding the Eye