WHAT GRIEF WANTS by Vicky Edgerly

What does my grief want from me anyway?!

I recognized during my very first grief journey that my pain was something of an enigma. Even though I didn’t want it anymore, I also didn't want anyone to try and take it from me.

 I appreciated those close to me who could sit with me and my pain….those who didn’t turn away when I dropped my veil and exposed the true nature of it.  The ugliness that it was.  I appreciated those Souls who could do that…the ones who could do that silently without agendas of their own. The ones who didn’t try to take my pain away from me. Because it was MINE….it was mine alone and no one could take it.  I would learn to resent those who tried. So yes, I guarded my pain like a jealous lover.

 "I know what it wants and I surrender..."

Today, some 20 years later, I still sit alone with my pain but it looks a lot different now.  Like lovers in a longtime relationship, we both have changed a lot along the way.  It’s quieter...we know each other so well after all these years that we can sit with each other in silence.  We can just BE together in the same room without one spoken word…there is no longer a need to name it. I know what it wants of me when it shows up at my door…there is no longer a need to search for reasons….to demand answers.  I know what it wants and I surrender.  I yield to it’s needs…I walk willingly into the familiar embrace.  I allow the pain, dulled by years of experience, tamed by my own stubborn struggle to ‘not let it win’, I allow it to envelope my whole being.  I rest my head upon it’s shoulder as we embrace and I allow the full richness of the penetrating sorrow to enter my being. I ALLOW it…I understand it’s needs. 

Facing the Waters of My Youth

Facing the waters of my youth…

     I am, in fact, sitting at a table which is in front of a window facing the waters of my youth.  I am 56 years old in this moment frozen in time but I am also timeless….

Walker Pond is laid out before me…the Walker Pond of my own youth, where I played as a child during frequent visits here to my Mother’s family home.  The Walker Pond that I brought my own family to when my children were small…and the same Walker Pond that my grand children still enjoy on the less than frequent occasions that I bring them here.

     Today, I embody all of those eras and beyond….today I simply AM

As I gaze out the window, memories start to dance behind my eyes.  I can see myself as a young child fresh from the bath and in my pajamas for the night.  It’s a summer evening so there is still plenty of daylight outside.  I am savoring the pure joy of being allowed to run outside in the waning light.  That feeling that this was somehow ‘special’.  Squeaky clean and smelling of Ivory soap…hair still damp and combed neatly.  Running barefoot on the cool grass in these last few minutes of the day… sleep not far off.

     I am slightly older now, maybe 7 or 8.  My grandfather, once again, offers me a choice.  The crisp dollar bill he is holding out  in front of me or all the change he has stored in the pocket of his green Dickey work trousers.  As always, I choose the dollar bill which to my child’s mind is worth way more than coins, only to discover that the change in his pocket added up to several dollars… I fell for it again!

     I’m 18 now watching my cousin, Ernie ride his beloved dirt bike up and down the road that leads from the house to the pond. My mind lingers over Ernie for a bit, remembering.  Remembering what it was like to have this boy as our cousin and childhood playmate.  Ernie was born with a debilitating heart condition.  As children, we always knew that his life would be a short one.  Being so close to death entitled him to special consideration….we were not to ‘excite’ Ernie lest it cause him to have a heart attack.  As you can imagine, Ernie could get away with pretty much whatever he wanted since the old-fashioned types of punishments the rest of us received for naughty behaviors would not be administered to Ernie for fear of causing his failing to heart give out.

     Ernie died at 17…not long after the visit I described above.  I was pregnant with my first child at the time and living in New Hampshire which would require a 4 hour car ride should I attend the funeral services.  My family members insisted that I did not make the trip.  I was close to my delivery date and they were afraid I’d encounter problems with the stress of the travel and the solemn occasion.  Interesting how my view has changed over the last 40 years.  Back then, I went along with what all the ‘adults’ were saying.  Sitting where I am now, with the perspective I have gained over the years, I would not have given a second thought to attending and letting the chips fall where they may.

Did YOU know?

Glen Moss Falls trail - Stowe, Vermont-USA
Photo Credit - Vicky Edgerly 2018

I Took a Walk the other day along the Glen Moss Falls trail in Stowe Vermont, USA. When I reached the final incline leading to the top of the falls, I was struck by the beauty of all the tree roots along the path that were exposed. (see picture)  I felt like the trees themselves were concerned about the safety and comfort of all the human foot travelers.  It was as if they had an intelligence of their own and selflessly offered up their roots to be used as footholds for our safe passage up the steep slope along the ledge. I couldn't help but wonder how many thousands upon thousands of feet had been supported by these same roots over the years. I was truly amazed and felt grateful that they were there for me!

Did You Know that trees of the same species in a forest have a sophisticated network of root systems that support each other as a community? They do!  Not only do they give each other structural support but they have the ability, through very sensitive root tips, to identify their own species when they encounter other roots underground and can actually pass food (sugar molecules) to their young as well as sick and diseased trees.  Wow! What a valiant show of community support! (Learn more about this phenomenon  HERE)

But What Does This Have to Do With ME?
     Mother Nature just blows me away.  We could all learn so much from her if we would only take her more seriously.  So let's consider ROOTS and how they can relate to us humans.