Facing the Waters of My Youth

Facing the waters of my youth…

     I am, in fact, sitting at a table which is in front of a window facing the waters of my youth.  I am 56 years old in this moment frozen in time but I am also timeless….

Walker Pond is laid out before me…the Walker Pond of my own youth, where I played as a child during frequent visits here to my Mother’s family home.  The Walker Pond that I brought my own family to when my children were small…and the same Walker Pond that my grand children still enjoy on the less than frequent occasions that I bring them here.

     Today, I embody all of those eras and beyond….today I simply AM

As I gaze out the window, memories start to dance behind my eyes.  I can see myself as a young child fresh from the bath and in my pajamas for the night.  It’s a summer evening so there is still plenty of daylight outside.  I am savoring the pure joy of being allowed to run outside in the waning light.  That feeling that this was somehow ‘special’.  Squeaky clean and smelling of Ivory soap…hair still damp and combed neatly.  Running barefoot on the cool grass in these last few minutes of the day… sleep not far off.

     I am slightly older now, maybe 7 or 8.  My grandfather, once again, offers me a choice.  The crisp dollar bill he is holding out  in front of me or all the change he has stored in the pocket of his green Dickey work trousers.  As always, I choose the dollar bill which to my child’s mind is worth way more than coins, only to discover that the change in his pocket added up to several dollars… I fell for it again!

     I’m 18 now watching my cousin, Ernie ride his beloved dirt bike up and down the road that leads from the house to the pond. My mind lingers over Ernie for a bit, remembering.  Remembering what it was like to have this boy as our cousin and childhood playmate.  Ernie was born with a debilitating heart condition.  As children, we always knew that his life would be a short one.  Being so close to death entitled him to special consideration….we were not to ‘excite’ Ernie lest it cause him to have a heart attack.  As you can imagine, Ernie could get away with pretty much whatever he wanted since the old-fashioned types of punishments the rest of us received for naughty behaviors would not be administered to Ernie for fear of causing his failing to heart give out.

     Ernie died at 17…not long after the visit I described above.  I was pregnant with my first child at the time and living in New Hampshire which would require a 4 hour car ride should I attend the funeral services.  My family members insisted that I did not make the trip.  I was close to my delivery date and they were afraid I’d encounter problems with the stress of the travel and the solemn occasion.  Interesting how my view has changed over the last 40 years.  Back then, I went along with what all the ‘adults’ were saying.  Sitting where I am now, with the perspective I have gained over the years, I would not have given a second thought to attending and letting the chips fall where they may.

Victim or Survivor....your choice?

     So many people have asked me the same question over the years, "How do you do it? How do you survive such things and yet remain sane and happy?"  I have to say that honestly, it comes down to "choice".  I can remember thinking very soon after hearing the news that my son had taken his own life back in 2002, "I will survive this...I will not let this destroy me."  I think that was a pivotal moment in my journey....one where I consciously chose to be a survivor rather than a victim. That's not to say that simply deciding to survive will prevent you from having to walk through the pain and grief involved, but I feel that it does set the stage for the type of experience you will have.

     We all know people who seem to look at life from the "glass is half empty" view point, and we can clearly see how that creates needless struggle in their lives. But how many of us really take inventory of our own prevailing thoughts and beliefs about our own life and experiences? More and more people are beginning to really understand that we, as individuals, can control and shape our own experiences simply by starting with conscious thought and intention. I'm sure most of you have run across the following legend somewhere in your travels but it is so beautifully and simply stated, that it bears repeating. I am talking about the old Cherokee Legend about Two Wolves that goes like this:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

    It really does come down to conscious thought and intention. If you look inside yourself and you notice that your thoughts seem to reside in the world of the Dark Wolf, then simply make a conscious decision to change.  Simply DECIDING to change creates the shift you need to get started. Then it is just a learning process like any other.  The more you practice, the better you will become.  If it seems too daunting for you then just start small.  Pick one area of your life where you feel encumbered by your thoughts or belief system and work on that first.  Simply "notice" the next time you are thinking less than pleasant thoughts about yourself or the situation you find yourself in and reach for a better thought.  The more you do this, the easier it becomes and before you know it, the "old thoughts" are replaced by your new, more empowering thoughts. It is the new, empowering thoughts that will create change in your experience. Don't put time pressures on yourself or any other judgment....this is a personal process that is different for every one.  Just keep at it and don't give up!  

     My grand daughter came to me yesterday to show me a portrait of a friend she had just finished drawing.  It was done really well and showed a skill level I had not seen in her work before.  When I asked her about this she said,  "Well I realized that every time I started a new art project, my self-talk running in the background of my mind contained phrases like, 'I can't draw very well'......or  'I'll never be a good artist'.   Once I noticed this I started replacing my negative thoughts with positive ones like, 'I am really good at this' and 'the more I practice, the better I get' and I suddenly started drawing better!"

     This is one simple victory for her, but what is more important here is her decision to become more engaged in her own life....to actually stand up and take responsibility for her own experience.  By doing this, she has chosen to be a survivor.  She has chosen to believe that she can change her experience by changing her thought patterns.  Take a moment to look at the picture at the top of this blog again....the one of the staircase.  Really gaze at it for a moment and let the photo draw you in.  Now check in with yourself.  What sort of feelings and/or thoughts does this photo provoke in you?  Did you feel like you were standing at the top of the stairs looking down as if you were about to tumble into the abyss?  Or did it make you feel like you had just succeeded in climbing up and out of the darkness below? 

Victim or Survivor?  Which one will YOU choose?

Blessings,
Vicky

Please check out my website at www.whiteelephantwisdom.com