Grieving Part 6_Valentine's Day for One

Valentine's Day for One

Have you ever felt the weight of being alone on Valentines Day?  (Or New Years Eve or any other holiday that suggests we must celebrate with a spouse or 'special someone') I think any one of us, whether we have lost a spouse through death or simply find ourselves without a partner when this special 'day of love' rolls around, can relate to the inevitable feelings of loneliness that arise within us. It seems to be a universal thing. So, if you are experiencing this because you find yourself unattached at the moment, can you imagine how much more intense it must feel for someone who, let's say, has recently lost their husband, wife or lover through something as 'final' as death?

Broken Hearts and Dead Flowers

Most of us who are grieving the death of that someone we considered to be 'the love of our lives' will certainly feel that loss much more acutely when Valentine's Day dawns.  We most likely have spent a certain amount of time 'dreading' the arrival of the magical day of Love as soon as we realized the calendar had changed to February.  We could see it clearly looming there before us in the not too distant future.  We convinced ourselves that it will be a horrible day for us...that we will most assuredly be sad, lonely and broken-hearted.  That we will spend the day in agony over missing the one we loved so dearly in life who is no longer here to make us feel special.  They won't be bringing us flowers & chocolate...or taking us to a lovely dinner for two or simply doing those silly little gestures of love we found so endearing when they were alive and here with us.  

Facing the Waters of My Youth

Facing the waters of my youth…

     I am, in fact, sitting at a table which is in front of a window facing the waters of my youth.  I am 56 years old in this moment frozen in time but I am also timeless….

Walker Pond is laid out before me…the Walker Pond of my own youth, where I played as a child during frequent visits here to my Mother’s family home.  The Walker Pond that I brought my own family to when my children were small…and the same Walker Pond that my grand children still enjoy on the less than frequent occasions that I bring them here.

     Today, I embody all of those eras and beyond….today I simply AM

As I gaze out the window, memories start to dance behind my eyes.  I can see myself as a young child fresh from the bath and in my pajamas for the night.  It’s a summer evening so there is still plenty of daylight outside.  I am savoring the pure joy of being allowed to run outside in the waning light.  That feeling that this was somehow ‘special’.  Squeaky clean and smelling of Ivory soap…hair still damp and combed neatly.  Running barefoot on the cool grass in these last few minutes of the day… sleep not far off.

     I am slightly older now, maybe 7 or 8.  My grandfather, once again, offers me a choice.  The crisp dollar bill he is holding out  in front of me or all the change he has stored in the pocket of his green Dickey work trousers.  As always, I choose the dollar bill which to my child’s mind is worth way more than coins, only to discover that the change in his pocket added up to several dollars… I fell for it again!

     I’m 18 now watching my cousin, Ernie ride his beloved dirt bike up and down the road that leads from the house to the pond. My mind lingers over Ernie for a bit, remembering.  Remembering what it was like to have this boy as our cousin and childhood playmate.  Ernie was born with a debilitating heart condition.  As children, we always knew that his life would be a short one.  Being so close to death entitled him to special consideration….we were not to ‘excite’ Ernie lest it cause him to have a heart attack.  As you can imagine, Ernie could get away with pretty much whatever he wanted since the old-fashioned types of punishments the rest of us received for naughty behaviors would not be administered to Ernie for fear of causing his failing to heart give out.

     Ernie died at 17…not long after the visit I described above.  I was pregnant with my first child at the time and living in New Hampshire which would require a 4 hour car ride should I attend the funeral services.  My family members insisted that I did not make the trip.  I was close to my delivery date and they were afraid I’d encounter problems with the stress of the travel and the solemn occasion.  Interesting how my view has changed over the last 40 years.  Back then, I went along with what all the ‘adults’ were saying.  Sitting where I am now, with the perspective I have gained over the years, I would not have given a second thought to attending and letting the chips fall where they may.

The ABC's of ADC's (After Death Communications)

    ADC's, or After Death Communications, are a lot more commonplace than most people think.  In fact, if someone you love has left this life, I can almost guarantee that they have sent you messages in one form or another.  If you are shaking your head "NO", then I invite you to read on, hopefully with an open mind, before forming your final opinion on this. But before I get to the guts of it, let me ask you a question or two...

   IF someone you love is no longer here with us, and IF that someone actually had an eternal soul that continues to exist 'someplace', and IF that existing soul had the ability to reach out from beyond the grave and communicate with you, then WHY would you want to close yourself off to that experience?

"No one wants to be the laughing stock of  town, let alone be persecuted for their 'unusual' views."

Release the Fear
 

      I think that most people who are not already embracing this concept are shying away from it for various fear-based reasons.  Our society today passes judgement on just about everything you can imagine and belief systems that challenge old, deeply ingrained conditioning make most people uncomfortable at best.  No one wants to be the laughing stock of  town, let alone be persecuted for their 'unusual' views.

   We don't want to be on the receiving end of more of those "You poor dear" looks.  As if we are just being humored because we are hurting, but that we are not to be taken seriously when we try to tell someone our deceased mother sends us the scent of roses, her favorite flower, at the strangest of times and in the strangest of places.

   Often times religious teachers will warn us of dire circumstances should we engage in contacting the afterlife. I ask you to use your own discernment on this one. It is my opinion that this type of religious guidance is not healthy for your spirit or soul evolution. I feel that seeking contact from your husband who left this world in order to feel his love once again should be embraced and used to help us in our own healing, not shunned and scorned, leaving us feeling like we must hide this practice away in a dark closet someplace.  Let me be clear in that I do not object to religion....I feel that religious practices have very important roles in many people's lives.  I see people uplifted and supported by their church communities all the time.  I am speaking of any religious group that is using FEAR as a means of CONTROL. There are still many that are steeped in a fear based doctrine that I don't feel serves it's people very well in this, more enlightened era we find ourselves in.
     Another source of fear surrounding the spirit world comes from stories, myths and of course Hollywood movies.  Acknowledging that your deceased wife may have somehow orchestrated your wedding song to play on the radio, just as you were lighting a candle in her honor to mark your anniversary, does not mean you are somehow going to become possessed with some kind of dark entity!  I have met hundreds of folks over the years who have learned to interact with their loved ones after their death, and none of them have experienced anything but loving energy that proves to be quite healing for them while they grieve.

  
Is it Just Wishful Thinking?

     You also may hear people warning you (or whispering to those close to you), that our behavior of seeking to contact our child, who died so young, could be damaging us psychologically because we are not accepting the finality of the death that has occurred.  I would have to say that their concerns do warrant some consideration.  I absolutely stand behind a HEALTHY practice of interacting with the afterlife as a means to actually help you in processing your grief.  Besides using this as a tool for my own grief journey,  I have also witnessed countless others find healing from the very people that they have lost....from beyond the grave.  By showing us that death is not to be feared and that they are 'ok' on the other side, most of us are actually able to come to terms with the loss and begin to let them go much sooner than those who do not experience this while grieving.
    But care must be taken not to become obsessed with this practice to the point that we are not FACING our loss and processing our grief.  We mustn't become so immersed in our interactions with the Spirit realm that we neglect our lives and loved ones here in the physical.  If used with care, we can learn a great deal about the nature of the soul and even our own purpose for being here by studying and conversing with the afterlife, which always leads to a richer, more engaging life for us.  But where does one begin?

 Just Follow the Signs!

     I've read countless books, listened to dozens of lectures, sat with many psychic mediums, several of whom are nationally well known, and traveled with The Original Afterlife Conference for the past few years where I have met and interacted with literally hundreds of grievers who all will say the same thing.....the 'signs' are all around us....all we have to do is pay attention!
     If I could recommend one book that you might start with, it would have to be Hello From Heaven! by Bill & Judy Guggenheim.  This is a wonderful compilation of interviews with people who believe they have received messages from their departed loved ones. The book gives us example after example of the types of 'signs' they leave for us, and is written in a way that anyone can understand and relate to.
     I'll treat you to a story about one particular day that stands out in my memory as I write this blog post.  It was my first year attending The Original Afterlife Conference, which was being held in Portland, Oregon. (Please  check out their website.  This is a nationally known organization that brings scientists, hospice workers, doctors, religious clergy, Shamans and New Age seekers together for an educational experience second to none!)  I had just arrived at the airport and as I climbed into the shuttle van that was to take me to the hotel, I found a shiny new penny on the floor in front of my seat.  I picked it up and said out loud, "Must be a penny from heaven".  Followed by 'I wonder which one of you sent it?' , (which I kept to myself).  To my delight, the woman I had just seated myself next too smiled at me and said, "Oh, you must be going to the Afterlife Conference"......and so began our conversation where I learned that she too had recently lost a husband, prompting me to think of my own husband who had passed not quite a year before.  Sometimes a penny is just a penny after all....but sometimes they are 'pennies from heaven'.
     Upon arriving at the hotel, I was greeted by a lobby full of star-gazer lily bouquets.....my deceased daughter's favorite flower.  If I wanted to explain away the random shiny penny next to the 'other widow' in the van, then so be it....but this...well, this I felt was my daughter welcoming me to the conference.
     And if that weren't enough confirmation for me that my afterlife 'team' was cheering me on, the sign you see in the above photo was what I saw when the glass elevator came to a stop on the floor where my room was located....Mount Adams Wing of the hotel....my son's name was Adam. Sometimes they literally give you a SIGN!
     I was so tickled by the exchange but even more than that, I was encouraged and empowered by these messages.  You see, not only was this my first year attending this popular conference, but I had actually been invited to speak during one of the presentations.  I would sit on a discussion board with four others and talk openly to a room full of people about my losses and how I have used afterlife communication to facilitate my own healing and propel me forward on a powerful journey of self-discovery. My kids and my late husband were showing their support from the other side!

Not All Psychics Are Created Equal

   But before you go running off to the first psychic medium that shows up in your google search, please do yourself, (and your pocket book!) a favor.....do a little homework and get some recommendations from others who have gone before you.  (I touch on this in a previous blog post.....part of a series I write on Grief. You can read about it HERE)
I found some information with candid insights about visiting a medium HERE that you might also find helpful.  I will also pass this little resource along.  It's Bob Olson's web page.  He's done tons of research in the field and posts lists of legitimate mediums on his web page HERE.  It's not always easy to find a good medium in your area but they do have a 'funny way' of just showing up when you need them.
     Communicating with my family in the afterlife is my favorite "Elephant in the Room" to talk about.  I especially enjoy watching another's face light up once they realize that no, they aren't going crazy and yes, many of us are getting the same signs from our own loved ones in spirit as they are.  And the excitement that ensues once the discussion is brought into the the light is something I cherish every time I witness it.
     Even after hearing these things from me I would not expect anyone to just take this on as truth.  As is true with anything I teach, I will ask you to be discerning.  Practice tuning into your own inner wisdom.....seek more answers if you need them and they will show up when you are ready to receive them.  An open mind does not happen all at once.  It must be stretched slowly in order to avoid short circuiting!  So even if you are not at a place right now where you are ready to accept this practice, I would ask you to please find compassion for those around you who do.  Because for them, healing is taking place every time they encounter their lost ones.

***Many of you were drawn to this post because you have, indeed, received messages from your loved ones in the afterlife.  I invite you to post your favorite stories in the comment section below.  Let's start talking about the elephant in the room!

Blessings,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

Please visit my website at:  www.whiteelephantwisdom.com

Other Posts by White Elephant Wisdom LLC
Victim or Survivor...your choice? 
October-A Time for Quiet Reflection
New Age Practices-Useful or Useless? 
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over
Grieving Part 3...Facing the Holidays