Facing the waters of my youth…
I am, in fact, sitting at a table which is in front of a
window facing the waters of my youth. I
am 56 years old in this moment frozen in time but I am also timeless….
Walker Pond is laid out before me…the Walker Pond of my own
youth, where I played as a child during frequent visits here to my Mother’s
family home. The Walker Pond that I
brought my own family to when my children were small…and the same Walker Pond
that my grand children still enjoy on the less than frequent occasions that I
bring them here.
Today, I embody all of those eras and beyond….today I simply
AM
As I gaze out the window, memories start to dance behind my
eyes. I can see myself as a young child
fresh from the bath and in my pajamas for the night. It’s a summer evening so there is still
plenty of daylight outside. I am
savoring the pure joy of being allowed to run outside in the waning light. That feeling that this was somehow
‘special’. Squeaky clean and smelling of
Ivory soap…hair still damp and combed neatly.
Running barefoot on the cool grass in these last few minutes of the day…
sleep not far off.
I am slightly older now, maybe 7 or 8. My grandfather, once again, offers me a
choice. The crisp dollar bill he is
holding out in front of me or all the
change he has stored in the pocket of his green Dickey work trousers. As always, I choose the dollar bill which to
my child’s mind is worth way more than coins, only to discover that the change
in his pocket added up to several dollars… I fell for it again!
I’m 18 now watching my cousin, Ernie ride his beloved dirt
bike up and down the road that leads from the house to the pond. My mind
lingers over Ernie for a bit, remembering.
Remembering what it was like to have this boy as our cousin and childhood
playmate. Ernie was born with a
debilitating heart condition. As
children, we always knew that his life would be a short one. Being so close to death entitled him to
special consideration….we were not to ‘excite’ Ernie lest it cause him to have a
heart attack. As you can imagine, Ernie
could get away with pretty much whatever he wanted since the old-fashioned
types of punishments the rest of us received for naughty behaviors would not be
administered to Ernie for fear of causing his failing to heart give out.
Ernie died at 17…not long after the visit I described
above. I was pregnant with my first
child at the time and living in New Hampshire which would require a 4 hour car
ride should I attend the funeral services.
My family members insisted that I did not make the trip. I was close to my delivery date and they were
afraid I’d encounter problems with the stress of the travel and the solemn
occasion. Interesting how my view has
changed over the last 40 years. Back
then, I went along with what all the ‘adults’ were saying. Sitting where I am now, with the perspective
I have gained over the years, I would not have given a second thought to
attending and letting the chips fall where they may.
Ernie was my first up-close-and-personal death experience.
While I had ‘lost’ a great grandfather or 2 earlier in my childhood, this was
the first person I had an actual relationship with that has now left this
world. My first ‘grief journey’. I can look back and feel gratitude for this
experience as I can see how it began to shape my beliefs around death, dying
and grief. Because we were raised with
the ‘knowing’ that Ernie would die at some point before he reached adulthood,
we were able to accept his passing with grace and ease. Miss him, yes we would, but acceptance came
automatically with the ability to be grateful for the years we had him here
with us. Accepting that we are all going
to die someday, instead of fighting it tooth and nail, I feel, would help us
all move more easily though the grieving process no matter when or how it shows
up throughout our lives. But I didn’t
form these thoughts at that time. It’s only with hindsight that I can clearly
see how this experience laid the groundwork for what was to come in my life.
Not all of my memories here at this magical place on the
water are full of light and laughter. As
is part of any child’s growth, painful and often times confusing experiences
were also plentiful. Just an hour ago, I
sat downstairs in the living room visiting with my mother and her youngest
sister, Clara. We were catching up on
all the news of the folks who have lived their lives here in or near this
little coastal community in Maine.
A name was brought up that caused me to pause. Clara commented on how _______ just arrested
someone for stealing. This was the older
brother of a boy who lived very near this property when I was
little. By the time I was 10 years old I
had a powerful crush on this boy. I
asked my Mom and Aunt if either of them knew what ever became of him. It turns out that he had passed away just a
couple of years ago from cancer.
I’m not sure what I expected to feel after hearing this
news. Perhaps I thought I should feel
disappointment. Disappointed, somehow,
because now I will never have an opportunity to confront this man about what he
did when he was 17 and I was only 10 or 11 (as if I ever really would have
confronted him in this lifetime). But I
didn’t feel that way. What I felt was a
bit of sorrow and empathy that he had to suffer through a cancer death. I also understood immediately that in his
current state as a disembodied soul in the afterlife realm, I could easily
reach out to him there and speak my peace, offer him forgiveness and receive
what ever acknowledgement I feel I need.
The only question that remains is will I actually do it?
Yes, I think I will.
This was a piece I originally wrote as a journal entry at the end of the summer in 2018 while visiting my Mom at her family home in Maine. I am just now feeling prompted to make this story public. It is not easy for us to open ourselves to be seen so naked and vulnerable by others in our world. But the benefits of doing just that are countless...to both me and the reader.
As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments!
Love and Blessings to All,
Vicky
Vicky Edgerly
White Elephant Wisdom LLC
info@whiteelephantwisdom.com
www.WhiteElephantWisdom.com
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