Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Lizards & COVID-19

Since my 'nature walks' are temporarily confined to my apartment complex because of the changes COVID 19 has brought to us, I am choosing to find adventure in my somewhat limited environment.

Today, I was amused to realize just how much I have been enjoying the little lizards that run around everywhere down here in Florida. I couldn't help but notice how my relationship with them has evolved during our 'quarantine' where dozens of them skip and skitter across my footpath on my daily walk-abouts.

As I was walking this morning I passed one who had lost most of its tail....and I spoke to it words of sympathy. Then, quickly realized that sympathy wasn't needed (or desired) but instead, offered compliments on how beautiful and agile it still was, tail or no tail.

Next I saw the biggest one I've seen to date perched atop the largest rock in that section of landscaping just as pretty as you please and so I said to it, "Well, I see you've made King of the Mountain.....but what makes you so sure you belong up there?" Which, I immediately realized was not needed (or desired) so I added, "but look at how beautiful your markings are and your confidence to stand alone for all to see is inspiring!"

As I rounded a corner a few minutes later I witnessed a large lizard chasing one that was half its size and I couldn't help my first response which was to scold the big bully. "Hey! STOP that and mind your own business" but then my attention turned to the little guy who so gracefully made its hasty exit and changed my thoughts and comments to, "Oh boy look at you go! Isn't it marvelous that you have your big friend there to help push you to be the best you can be!?" because, well, my first-impression comments steeped in bully/victimhood mentality were not needed (or desired).

I strolled for a moment allowing 'The Watcher' within me (my own higher self...or Soul if you will) to find entertainment in observing my human self adapt to its current situation and surroundings when I suddenly found myself in front of a lizard on the path that had been decapitated. I thought, what can I really say to this one? So I said the first thing that came to mind, "What's the matter? Cat got your head?" Haa haa haaa haaaaaa ....Sorry, I still bust out laughing at this one every time I say it. After all, the Soul knows no limitation in finding ways to navigate life and all the various changes we tend to see as 'challenges' and the number of creative ways for us to leave the planet is only limited by how far we can stretch our imaginations.

When people learn of my 'losses' they are often astounded to see that I am healthy and happy. They tend to look for a 'crack in my armour' as if I am hiding my true 'broken' self behind an illusion of well-being. When they get to know me a bit more they are apt to ask "How do you do it? How can you possibly live through all that trauma and loss yet still remain standing and functioning? How can you lose so much but still find joy and adventure in your life?"

My response is always the same... "You'd be surprised by just how much the human Spirit can bear when it's given no choice"

How are YOU choosing to navigate the current situation you find yourself in? Become "The Watcher" and find out!
As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments.

Blessings on your journey to Self-Discovery after loss,

More From Vicky:

Friday, February 14, 2020

Grieving Part 6_Valentine's Day for One

Valentine's Day for One

Have you ever felt the weight of being alone on Valentines Day?  (Or New Years Eve or any other holiday that suggests we must celebrate with a spouse or 'special someone') I think any one of us, whether we have lost a spouse through death or simply find ourselves without a partner when this special 'day of love' rolls around, can relate to the inevitable feelings of loneliness that arise within us. It seems to be a universal thing. So, if you are experiencing this because you find yourself unattached at the moment, can you imagine how much more intense it must feel for someone who, let's say, has recently lost their husband, wife or lover through something as 'final' as death?

Broken Hearts and Dead Flowers

Most of us who are grieving the death of that someone we considered to be 'the love of our lives' will certainly feel that loss much more acutely when Valentine's Day dawns.  We most likely have spent a certain amount of time 'dreading' the arrival of the magical day of Love as soon as we realized the calendar had changed to February.  We could see it clearly looming there before us in the not too distant future.  We convinced ourselves that it will be a horrible day for us...that we will most assuredly be sad, lonely and broken-hearted.  That we will spend the day in agony over missing the one we loved so dearly in life who is no longer here to make us feel special.  They won't be bringing us flowers & chocolate...or taking us to a lovely dinner for two or simply doing those silly little gestures of love we found so endearing when they were alive and here with us.  

How are we going to get through this day when the world around us seems to insist on rubbing salt into our wounds at every turn? Every store we walk into is full of pink and red Valentine cards, teddy bears and decorative boxes of chocolates.  Roadside stands pop up selling roses and gift baskets for those who forgot the holiday or neglected to buy their loved one a token of their undying love until they were on their way home from work.  Our social media pages are flooded with sappy and sweet memes and posts from our friends and family showing off their new engagement rings, beautiful bouquets of blooms and any number of other special gifts .  Even the local news broadcaster has to put in a mention of this holiday when we turn to our TV's for company in our otherwise empty homes.  

But is it really fair for us to condemn these love struck people surrounding us for enjoying this special day and professing their love for all the world to see? Should we really be judging them for being 'insensitive' to folks who don't have a special someone to share this day with?  Didn't we, at one time, also enjoy such sentiments with our loved ones when they were here with us?  And who says we cannot still feel their love on Valentines Day anyway?  

Unlock Your Heart and Let Love In!

I've learned alot about this life in my 50 plus years on this planet and if there is one thing the grief journey has taught me over and over again, it's that LOVE NEVER DIES.   I don't mean that as just the cliche we all cling to after loss either.  I mean it literally!

After the loss of my son to suicide in 2002 I started pondering some pretty powerful questions about life, death and the nature of the Soul.  I absolutely could not accept that he simply ceased to exist....gone forever.  I entertained the possibility that he had merely left his body behind while his Soul floated free.  And IF his Soul did still survive without the body then, I reasoned, he'd still be able to see and hear those of us left behind.  And IF he could hear and see us then why wouldn't he try to converse with us in some way, shape or form?  And IF he could contact us then why on earth would I ever choose to shut him out?

I have to say that I have experienced first hand some pretty amazing signs over the years that I believe wholeheartedly are messages from beyond the grave.  And I have also learned that such messages tend to come more frequently on special days like holidays, anniversaries and birthdays.  I have also learned that the more open we are to 'hearing' from our deceased loved ones, the easier it is for them to get a message through to us.

So why not unlock your heart and 'listen' for a message of love from the one who is 'lost' to you this Valentine's Day?  While they can't send us flowers, or chocolates or take us out to dinner, they most certainly can send us little hints and coincidences that make us wonder....is it them?  Are they really trying to get my attention?  

And oh how sweet the tears of joy are when we recognize that yes, having our wedding song suddenly play on the radio the moment we light a candle in their honor does mean that they are 'pulling strings' from their seat in heaven to let us know they are here with us. Just lean into the experience and allow their love to wash over you.  
Happy Valentine's Day my friends!

As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments.

Blessings on your journey to Self-Discovery after loss,

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Sunday, November 17, 2019

Reality...A Matter of Perception

"These 7 little words actually hold all the answers to the mystery of life itself within them."

I want to talk about perception.  I think it's an underrated commodity.  As in, folks don't give it the value it deserves.  I mean really, think about this popular quote:
                                  "What we PERCEIVE is what we BELIEVE."
These 7 little words actually hold all the answers to the mystery of life itself within them.  How you say?  Well, because they are letting us in on the secret that our PERCEPTION of what is happening around us actually creates our reality!  Let's break it down...

What is Reality?

Some might think this a silly question with an obvious answer.  They might say something like, "Well that's obvious.  Reality is what we can see, hear, feel and touch.  It is the world around us and all that we experience within it."  Well I beg to differ with that opinion.  I believe 'reality' is a bit more complex than that, and yet in principal is really simple.  I believe that reality is based on how one PERCEIVES the various stimuli they are exposed to. 

Have you ever watched someone else face something especially challenging in their life with a steadfast determination that things will work out just fine and wondered to yourself, "how do they DO that?  Why aren't they falling apart?  I don't think I could handle that.....I'd surely crumble!"  

Or perhaps you are the person who watches someone in hysterics over a traumatic event and says silently to yourself, "Oh darlin, if you would only relax and surrender to what is happening things would be a lot less stressful for you as you go through this.  After all, things always have a way of working themselves out." 

What do you suppose makes these types of people so different from one another? I used to ponder this question quite often...until I figured out the answer.  PERCEPTION.  Perception is simply how we view what is happening around us.  And contrary to popular belief, we do actually have a CHOICE in all of this.  We, in each and every moment of our lives, can choose what to believe and what not to believe. There is great power in this realization. Let's go a bit deeper...

"Your brain will believe anything you tell it"

Challenge Your Belief Systems!

How many of you have heard the expression:  "Your brain will believe anything you tell it?"  This is so true but not to be confused with believing anything someone else tells you!  Give this one some thought...

Have you lived through an experience where you were feeling anxious or nervous to face something?  Could be a first time date with someone you are attracted to, a job interview, getting called to the boss's office (the equivalent to getting called to the principal's office!) or any number of seemingly terrifying events.  How did you face these things?  Did you continually tell yourself that you had something to worry about?  That you would somehow screw things up and lose the job, car, home, love interest or anything else you were going for?  

We all hear the advice from our cheerful, upbeat friends and our spiritually enlightened Life Coaches to simply "Believe and you will achieve"  or "Think positively and you will attract positive results".  But we often seem to fall short of our mark no matter how many doomsday thoughts we chase away or positive mantras we chant. Why is this? I believe the answer to that lies deep within our belief systems or "operating system" as I like to call it.

No matter how many times we practice positive thinking, we may, in fact, have a deeply ingrained belief system that runs contrary to our efforts, merrily chugging along in the background of our subconscious minds without our even realizing it!  And if we really want to see some changes in how we perceive the world around us, we must first tackle these old belief systems, many of which are not even OUR beliefs at all but things we were told as a child that we just adopted as a truth and carry with us throughout our lives.

"I accepted a different truth....one where children DO die before their parents..."

I came face to face with an example of this in a conversation with a new friend just the other day.  Inevitably the subject of children came up and upon hearing my tale of the loss of both of mine, she was genuinely shocked when she said to me, "That is just horrible!  You poor thing!  It's just not right, we are supposed to go before our kids!  This just shouldn't happen!"

In this case, the underlying, deeply ingrained belief system that we, as a society have taught ourselves to believe is that it is somehow UNNATURAL for our children to die before us. But I can stand here as living proof and tell you that no, that is not true because sometimes, our children do, indeed go before us. So why does it matter what I believe?  

It matters because it is my belief that will shape my perception and my perception, in turn, will shape my reality.  In this case, I chose not to feel like I was somehow wronged by the Universe in outliving my children. I accepted a different truth....one where children DO die before their parents and in doing so, was able to move through my initial "grief storm" with a lot more ease than those who find themselves distraught over how "unfair" their loss is. I was able to experience a reality where I could accept the death of my children and eventually, find deeper meaning and purpose for those experiences. 

I understand how difficult this particular example can be for most people to accept.  Truly I do, but I am asked time and again to tell, show and teach people how I survived the loss of my kids and to do anything other than present the truth as I PERCEIVE it would not sit well with me at all, nor would anyone ever gain anything from my experience if I were to sugar coat it. This blog is titled "Let's Talk About the Elephant in the Room.  Frank Discussion About Difficult Things" after all.

In fact, I am often met with people who are suspicious in nature...quite convinced that I am not really as happy as I appear to be.  Because their view of the world is so different from mine that they assume anyone who claims to find peace in the face of trauma must be lying. (A perfect example of this is a certain newspaper journalist who interviewed me a while back.  You can read that interview HERE)

"I feel it was my decision to take on that belief that shaped my entire experience of the unavoidable period of deep grief that followed."

Change Your Perception...Change Your Life!

I've had lots of time to think about these things.  I've wondered if I was simply born different.  Like with some sort of gene that makes me predisposed to being more resilient than others.  While this may prove to have some merit, my conclusions are that it really all starts in my mind.  What I tell myself is what shapes what I believe and how I feel.  All of this then shapes my reality.  In the case of my son's suicide, which was a very traumatic event to be sure, I decided in the very first few hours that I would SURVIVE this.  I feel it was my decision to take on that belief that shaped my entire experience of the unavoidable period of deep grief that followed. 
(I invite you to read more about that time in my life in a previous blog post called, 'Victim or Survivor...You'r Choice?' ).

So the next time you find yourself feeling compelled to judge someone else for their thoughts, reactions, emotions, comments, actions and/or lack of action around any experience in life that does not match how YOU feel, think and react, I invite you to shift your own PERCEPTION for even just a moment and look at the situation from a different view point.  When we understand that we all are simply creating our own realities base on how we perceive the world around us, we can begin to drop our judgement of others.  Because, after all, the beliefs they have taken on within themselves outline the very truth of their own existence, making their truth no less REAL to them than yours is to you. 


More From Vicky:

Friday, September 6, 2019

Grief and Our Pets

Grief and Our Pets

by Vicky Edgerly

     I had to say goodbye to my dog recently.  His name was Jangles and he was the youngest of 3 Labs that my late-husband and I raised together.  My 'Baby Boy'.  I cradled his sweet face in my lap and whispered words of love and gratitude into his ears as the drugs sent him off to sleep.  You would think that after burying both of my children and my husband, losing a pet would be inconsequential to me...but it isn't.  It isn't at all.

     I have a vivid memory of a woman grieving her deceased dog that used to spark a lot of anger in me. You see, my own son had taken his life at the tender age of 18 just a few weeks before, when a women I worked with announced the death of her beloved dog of some 15 years over the weekend.  This was during a time in my own journey where the grief over my son's suicide was still very much in the driver's seat.  I prided myself on how far I had come because I could go to the office and hold it together for the required eight hour day (although the floodgates would burst open as soon as I pushed through the exit doors at days end and hot, wet tears would be pouring down my face and bouncing off my shoes by the time I reached my car).

     The bereaved Dog Mommy was having a rough time with her own loss.  Her emotional state would periodically require her to get up and abandon her desk to go sit in the lunch room until she could get her tears under control.  This left me to handle her job of answering incoming calls, which seemed like an extreme hardship for me at the time as my still traumatized brain struggled to function properly in the workplace.

     My anger toward this woman, and others like her was very real and demanded my attention.  How dare these people compare the grief they feel over a deceased pet to that of a mother who has buried a child or a young widow who has had to say goodbye to the man she thought she'd spend her life with?  Really?

"That grieving dog Mom, as it turned out, had lived a life full of abuse, neglect and abandonment." 
 It was probably another year or two before I came to terms with what I had experienced back then and started to view ALL people from a different perspective.  You see, I later learned a bit more about that coworker.  That grieving dog Mom, as it turned out, had lived a life full of abuse, neglect and abandonment.  She lived with scars that I could not 'see'.  Scars that shaped how she viewed her world and lived her life. That dog that she had for 15 years, from her perspective, as seen while standing in HER shoes and looking through HER eyes, was the only living being on the planet that did not abuse her, neglect her or abandon her.  No matter what her mood or state of being was, her loving pet offered companionship and unconditional love and here, all of a sudden, it was gone from her life.  So yes, to HER the grief over this loss was crippling.

     So who was I to judge her reaction?  Grief comes in so many shapes and sizes.  There is no 'one-size-fits-all' experience.  Some folks are just as devastated over big changes in their lives (like the loss of a marriage, home or a job) as others may be over the physical loss of a parent or a sibling.  Should we really stand in judgement over these people?  Or can we offer compassion?

     I, for one, find healing in offering compassion to another in pain, both for me and for them.  While I could not 'see' this clearly in the early days of acute grief, I am now very grateful to myself for being able to come to this place of understanding.  Who couldn't use a little self-checkup on our own preconceived notions about others?  I feel that in this world full of  'us against them' attitudes, we could all benefit from a little exercise in offering compassion to our fellow man, which has to start by dropping judgements.

     Even among the 'grieving set' I see clicks develop as judgmental attitudes serve to separate us into groups....each group claiming THEIR experience to be the worst, most stressful and painful of all the grief journeys.  As if my trauma should come with some kind of badge of honor and yours, should not?  I wonder what purpose this could possibly serve?

     I expected to feel sad after letting go of Jangles.  The depth of my feelings, however, surprised even me.  At first I did not understand my reaction.  After all, I had just put down my Chocolate Lab, Hunta,  a mere 5 months before and was completely capable of processing that loss without any problems or complications. Why was this one throwing me for such a loop?  Did I love him more than the others? Or was something else at play here?

"I seek out the challenge, the opportunity for growth and eventually, find the GIFT."

If you follow me on social media and/or read my blogs you will already be familiar with my methods of dealing with life's less than joyous occasions.  By that I mean I try to tackle them head on.  I look for deeper meanings, messages, lessons.  I seek out the challenge, the opportunity for growth and eventually, find the GIFT.

     This occasion was no different.  Once I recognized the fact that I was grieving more deeply for this dog than I had expected, I took a closer look.  I checked in with myself to see if there was something else going on.  I was rewarded with a slew of opportunities to work on any unresolved grief, guilt, pain etc. over a broad area of my life.

     You see, Jangles was the very last living being that depended on me for it's comfort and survival needs.  Having been the person who always cares for others, I found myself suddenly FREE.  Free of all caregiving attachments to others.  After raising 2 kids, burying those kids, then a husband, then raising a granddaughter,  along with 3 dogs and being 'counselor' to untold numbers of people including family and friends, I suddenly found myself standing alone, with no one to care for except myself.

     This realization brought with it a mixed bag of emotions.  The most prevalent, and at war with one another, would be the euphoric feeling of FREEDOM right along side the frightening sensation of being ALONE in the world.  I wont get into all the details here with you all but suffice to say, I spent the next few weeks honoring any old memories that would come up.  Believe me, a LOT have been coming up!  When they have sadness attached to them I allow the tears and tell myself they are cleansing and healing...when there is anger involved I take it out and look at it and decide that it was appropriate back then but no longer needed and I let it go....if there is happiness around an old memory I choose to cherish the blessing that moment was and feel grateful for having had it and no longer spend time wishing that I could have it back again.

"May we all be free to grieve with abandon and without fear of society's judgement.."

 So as I release any judgement toward myself for having such a strong reaction to losing 'just a pet', I will ask all of you to do the same.  We have so many areas of life where we judge ourselves and each other...why not leave the Grief arena out of the mix?
May we all be free to grieve with abandon and without fear of society's judgement....no matter what or who we have lost.


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Sunday, March 31, 2019

Facing the Waters of My Youth

Facing the waters of my youth…

     I am, in fact, sitting at a table which is in front of a window facing the waters of my youth.  I am 56 years old in this moment frozen in time but I am also timeless….
Walker Pond is laid out before me…the Walker Pond of my own youth, where I played as a child during frequent visits here to my Mother’s family home.  The Walker Pond that I brought my own family to when my children were small…and the same Walker Pond that my grand children still enjoy on the less than frequent occasions that I bring them here.

     Today, I embody all of those eras and beyond….today I simply AM
As I gaze out the window, memories start to dance behind my eyes.  I can see myself as a young child fresh from the bath and in my pajamas for the night.  It’s a summer evening so there is still plenty of daylight outside.  I am savoring the pure joy of being allowed to run outside in the waning light.  That feeling that this was somehow ‘special’.  Squeaky clean and smelling of Ivory soap…hair still damp and combed neatly.  Running barefoot on the cool grass in these last few minutes of the day… sleep not far off.

     I am slightly older now, maybe 7 or 8.  My grandfather, once again, offers me a choice.  The crisp dollar bill he is holding out  in front of me or all the change he has stored in the pocket of his green Dickey work trousers.  As always, I choose the dollar bill which to my child’s mind is worth way more than coins, only to discover that the change in his pocket added up to several dollars… I fell for it again!

     I’m 18 now watching my cousin, Ernie ride his beloved dirt bike up and down the road that leads from the house to the pond. My mind lingers over Ernie for a bit, remembering.  Remembering what it was like to have this boy as our cousin and childhood playmate.  Ernie was born with a debilitating heart condition.  As children, we always knew that his life would be a short one.  Being so close to death entitled him to special consideration….we were not to ‘excite’ Ernie lest it cause him to have a heart attack.  As you can imagine, Ernie could get away with pretty much whatever he wanted since the old-fashioned types of punishments the rest of us received for naughty behaviors would not be administered to Ernie for fear of causing his failing to heart give out.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Things Could Always Be Worse!

     I've heard all the hype over Mercury Retrograde for years now but I never seem to be affected in any adverse way by it so I was not at all concerned about this one even though people I know are all saying it's a particularly challenging time for them. I didn't let it bother me and simply went about my business as usual, not worried at all about any mishaps that might result.

      I went out shopping for a new bathing suit, not an easy task in northern New England in March as most shops do not have any on the sales floor yet.  I had been looking for a couple of weeks now at various local stores to no avail.  The struggle is real I tell you!

     I finally found a store that had an entire section of this years suits all on display with an incredible array of styles and sizes.  I had hit the motherload!  I picked out 8 suits, the maximum number allowed in the dressing room at one time, and closed myself in the little booth that I was led to by the cheery sales clerk.  You know, the ones with the really horrible (realistic?) mirrors?

     I lined up my colorful selection of swimsuits and began to disrobe.  I placed my purse on the bench-seat provided and gently laid my eye glasses on top of it.  Have you ever experienced an intuitive 'warning' about something?  Well I got one of those when I placed my brand new, $400 pair of prescription eye glasses on top of that purse. I KNEW it was a bad idea but I ignored that little voice and simply set an intention to be super careful not to let anything happen to them.

     After trying on 7 of the 8 suits I was striking out and starting to get discouraged.   But, as luck would have it, the very last one I tried on was a keeper!  I felt like Cinderella when she was able to slip her foot into the perfectly fitting glass slipper at the last minute before the Prince gave up on his quest to find his love. (Humor me...as I said, the struggle is real!)

     I was so excited over my success that I began to hurry and get dressed lest this suit turn back into a pumpkin before I could purchase it and get it out of the store.  My elated joy was quickly replaced with horrible dread at the sound of a loud POP when I sat on the bench to put my shoes on.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

The Ladybug

The Ladybug
by Vicky Edgerly
March 6, 2019

     I am not sure what I will be writing about this morning but am just "showing up" to see what happens.

     I will start with my waking thoughts of gratitude, for I surely did wake with a song in my heart and the promise of spring in the air.  Of course the bright sunshine straining to burst through my drawn curtains helped to set the mood but I believe it was much more than that.  I believe it has more to do with how I went to bed last night along with what I directed my thoughts to linger on every time I woke during the night.

     I went to sleep with a purpose.  I stated my purpose to myself and the cosmos.  I fell asleep with thoughts of gratitude playing through my mind.  I had pulled my selenite wand under the covers with me.  I held it in my hand and set the intention of working with the healing properties of this amazing earth element.  I assigned it the task of clearing and purifying my own energy field.  I asked it to help me slough off the days "junk" that I may have picked up along the way.  I'm speaking of energetic junk; thoughts, emotions and other types of frequencies that float around the environment in which I live, such as the quagmire of anxiety, restlessness, depression, anger, resentment, grief and guilt along with air pollution, food toxins and electromagnetic emissions from cell towers and electronic devices.

     I gave my body instructions to clear these things from my personal environment, my own energy body.  With a clear energy body I am much stronger and more capable to do the physical healing work inside my human body that it requires of me at this time.  So much is done while we sleep, while our ego mind is out of the way and not paying attention.

     I set my own body on the task of clearing itself of any toxins it's ready to release.  I offered gratitude to my own physical form for putting up with the years of neglect and abuse I have put it through...usually under the guise of "I need to make sure everyone else is taken care of first"... leaving myself last on the list of priorities.

      I purposely fell asleep with words of gratitude and intention on my lips.  I dreamt of a ladybug.  I remember only snippets of the dream but she came to me for protection and I carried her with me as she roamed up and down my arms at will.

      And so I awoke with a song in my heart and an overall feeling of being blessed in these early moments of the day.  I knew that I would prioritize my own morning routines today, ministering to my body, mind and spirit before even checking my cell phone.  I am so grateful to be at a stage in my life where I feel free to do these things.  So many years were spent hitting the floor running, rushing and charging through my day to get as much done as humanly possible leaving zero time to honor and care for myself.

     And so I awoke with a song in my heart.  Is this what they mean by raising my vibration?

     I drew back a curtain and cherished the morning sun on my face for a moment, then placed my selenite wand on the sill to bask in the sun's energy throughout the day.  As I offered it more expressions of gratitude for working with me during the night, I looked up and saw a lady bug crawling up the window pane.
     "Ladybug's appearance signals new happiness, often with material gains.  A renewed sense of well being occurs, and higher goals and new heights can be more easily attained over the following months.  Worries will begin to dissipate. " 

 Excerpt from: The Animal Wise Tarot by Ted Andrews

As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments!
Love and Blessings to All,

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Vicky Edgerly
White Elephant Wisdom LLC

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