WHAT GRIEF WANTS by Vicky Edgerly

What does my grief want from me anyway?!

I recognized during my very first grief journey that my pain was something of an enigma. Even though I didn’t want it anymore, I also didn't want anyone to try and take it from me.

 I appreciated those close to me who could sit with me and my pain….those who didn’t turn away when I dropped my veil and exposed the true nature of it.  The ugliness that it was.  I appreciated those Souls who could do that…the ones who could do that silently without agendas of their own. The ones who didn’t try to take my pain away from me. Because it was MINE….it was mine alone and no one could take it.  I would learn to resent those who tried. So yes, I guarded my pain like a jealous lover.

 "I know what it wants and I surrender..."

Today, some 20 years later, I still sit alone with my pain but it looks a lot different now.  Like lovers in a longtime relationship, we both have changed a lot along the way.  It’s quieter...we know each other so well after all these years that we can sit with each other in silence.  We can just BE together in the same room without one spoken word…there is no longer a need to name it. I know what it wants of me when it shows up at my door…there is no longer a need to search for reasons….to demand answers.  I know what it wants and I surrender.  I yield to it’s needs…I walk willingly into the familiar embrace.  I allow the pain, dulled by years of experience, tamed by my own stubborn struggle to ‘not let it win’, I allow it to envelope my whole being.  I rest my head upon it’s shoulder as we embrace and I allow the full richness of the penetrating sorrow to enter my being. I ALLOW it…I understand it’s needs. 

From a Childless Mother...on Mother's Day

About Mother's Day...

     It may surprise some to know that, after losing both of my children by age 50, I am still able to embrace Mother's Day each spring.  Although I cannot speak for other mothers who find themselves separated from their children through death, what I can do is offer a few of my own words in the spirit of sharing for the benefit of all who need to hear them. 

     While I will not pretend that every Mother's Day is joyful,  I can tell you that I am able to find moments within each one to sit in quiet gratitude for being blessed with the experience of being a mother. Even when sorrow visits, I can be thankful at the same time that my children chose me as their mother and grateful for the time I was gifted with each of them.  How can I not, with so many out there who will never be graced with even a single day of motherhood in their own lifetime? 

     Each time the holiday rolls around I encounter people who do not know what to say to me and those like me.  I can feel it in their energy field....the timid, almost apologetic "Happy Mother's Day" sentiments and even, from some, an uncomfortable silence as they decide that it would be best not to deliver that sentiment to a childless mother. I'm not sure what it is they are feeling that directs their actions.  Perhaps they think it best for us to 'forget' about our past roles as mothers and do not want to be the ones to force us to remember....as if we could do anything BUT remember our kids on Mother's Day. 

     Since I live with a strong faith in the existence of the soul and it's consciousness after death, I still feel a very real and strong connection to both of my deceased children.  I have learned to recognize their presence and always receive a sign of some sort from one or both of them on Mother's Day.  Because of this I am actually able to look forward to Mother's Day and even have a lot of fun anticipating the sign(s) that are sure to arrive.  Any of you who knew my kids in this life would nod your head with recognition when I say that those signs tend to be drenched in sarcastic humor of some sort! Often times leaving me grinning from ear to ear at the 'joke that no one else gets'.

"...it triggers my own special memories and allows me to languish in that special feeling even for just a moment.... and this I consider a gift!"

     I also enjoy watching all of you lovely mothers out there receiving your own Mother's Day blessings and much earned adoration from your offspring.  Really, you do not have to hide this from me.  Share your stories with me and do not hold back your own pride as you relay the precious things your little ones made or did for you on Mother's Day.  Does it bring up memories of my own children when they were little?  YES!  Yes, it does and that is exactly the point!  When I hear about the silly breakfast your kids brought you in bed or the prickly weeds your toddler picked for you from the back yard, it triggers my own special memories and allows me to languish in that special feeling even for just a moment.... and this I consider a gift!

     So don't pretend my children never existed....
If you really want to do something special for me, include me in your discussions...ask me about my own children. I'd love to swap stories with you!  I know this makes most uncomfortable but by talking about it openly we begin to break down the wall of silence that has served as a barrier to keep childless mothers in a dark and lonely place on holidays like Mother's Day.   Why not talk about this very large elephant in the room?  Your acceptance of our loss actually serves to help us in our own healing.  Sweeping things under the rug, ignoring and/or changing the subject only feeds the darker emotions like sorrow and loneliness so please, offer light this year to a childless mother....celebrate their motherhood right along with you and your other girlfriends.

Blessings,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

*** For more of 'my story' click HERE

>> Click below to read the first installment of a series I write about my own grief journey.

Grieving Part 1_The Early Days

Please visit my website at:
www.WhiteElephantWisdom.com