WHAT GRIEF WANTS by Vicky Edgerly

What does my grief want from me anyway?!

I recognized during my very first grief journey that my pain was something of an enigma. Even though I didn’t want it anymore, I also didn't want anyone to try and take it from me.

 I appreciated those close to me who could sit with me and my pain….those who didn’t turn away when I dropped my veil and exposed the true nature of it.  The ugliness that it was.  I appreciated those Souls who could do that…the ones who could do that silently without agendas of their own. The ones who didn’t try to take my pain away from me. Because it was MINE….it was mine alone and no one could take it.  I would learn to resent those who tried. So yes, I guarded my pain like a jealous lover.

 "I know what it wants and I surrender..."

Today, some 20 years later, I still sit alone with my pain but it looks a lot different now.  Like lovers in a longtime relationship, we both have changed a lot along the way.  It’s quieter...we know each other so well after all these years that we can sit with each other in silence.  We can just BE together in the same room without one spoken word…there is no longer a need to name it. I know what it wants of me when it shows up at my door…there is no longer a need to search for reasons….to demand answers.  I know what it wants and I surrender.  I yield to it’s needs…I walk willingly into the familiar embrace.  I allow the pain, dulled by years of experience, tamed by my own stubborn struggle to ‘not let it win’, I allow it to envelope my whole being.  I rest my head upon it’s shoulder as we embrace and I allow the full richness of the penetrating sorrow to enter my being. I ALLOW it…I understand it’s needs. 

Reality...A Matter of Perception

"These 7 little words actually hold all the answers to the mystery of life itself within them."

I want to talk about perception.  I think it's an underrated commodity.  As in, folks don't give it the value it deserves.  I mean really, think about this popular quote:
                                  "What we PERCEIVE is what we BELIEVE."

These 7 little words actually hold all the answers to the mystery of life itself within them.  How you say?  Well, because they are letting us in on the secret that our PERCEPTION of what is happening around us actually creates our reality!  Let's break it down...

What is Reality?

Some might think this a silly question with an obvious answer.  They might say something like, "Well that's obvious.  Reality is what we can see, hear, feel and touch.  It is the world around us and all that we experience within it."  Well I beg to differ with that opinion.  I believe 'reality' is a bit more complex than that, and yet in principal is really simple.  I believe that reality is based on how one PERCEIVES the various stimuli they are exposed to. 

Have you ever watched someone else face something especially challenging in their life with a steadfast determination that things will work out just fine and wondered to yourself, "how do they DO that?  Why aren't they falling apart?  I don't think I could handle that.....I'd surely crumble!"  

Or perhaps you are the person who watches someone in hysterics over a traumatic event and says silently to yourself, "Oh darlin, if you would only relax and surrender to what is happening things would be a lot less stressful for you as you go through this.  After all, things always have a way of working themselves out." 

What do you suppose makes these types of people so different from one another? I used to ponder this question quite often...until I figured out the answer.  PERCEPTION.  Perception is simply how we view what is happening around us.  And contrary to popular belief, we do actually have a CHOICE in all of this.  We, in each and every moment of our lives, can choose what to believe and what not to believe. There is great power in this realization. Let's go a bit deeper...

Grieving Part 5_For All My Widowed Friends Out There

     The Widow's Journey

     Every significant loss brings with it a grief journey that we must walk through. Each and every journey will be different from the last as well as the next.  With each death, we will experience a different set of feelings, triumphs and challenges that are unique to us just as our relationships with those who have passed were.  While there are some basic parts of grief that may seem ‘familiar’ to us, we will also encounter brand new feelings that will take us by surprise. Today, I’d like to talk specifically about the many challenges we face after losing a spouse.

     While I can only speak from personal experience based on the perceptions of a woman who has lost her husband, I can tell you that I have observed many similarities in the over-all list of challenges one faces after losing a spouse no matter what the gender is of the couple involved.  We are all finding ourselves in a position of having to 'let go' of our partner in life. 

     First, of course, we have to walk through those initial days of acute grief.  As always, this looks different for each individual but some common denominators are shock, numbness, uncontrollable emotions, inability to concentrate, wanting to be alone, needing to be near people, fear etc.  As we are fending off these types of rapidly changing moods and emotions, we also need to immediately make important decisions, mostly involving arrangements for the memorial services and/or burial.  For me, I found the darkest, most difficult times to bear during those early days were bedtime and first thing in the morning.  Something about climbing into the empty bed and then, waking in the morning also to an empty bed just brought the reality of the situation crashing in.  I was alone.

     It doesn't take us long to realize just how much we leaned on our mates during our daily lives.  Every morning when I woke my first thought was of him and the fact that he was really gone.  My instincts would be to reach for HIM for comfort.  He was my partner, my mate and my rock when I needed consoling and so I felt like I was caught in a paradox since he was my go-to for that support I so desperately needed.  I had already walked through losing both of my children with this man by my side so this realization of having to face this loss alone was stark and undeniable from the very first day. While I was fortunate enough to have family and friends willing to rally around me, internally, I still felt completely alone. If we are lucky enough to have great love in our relationship with our life partner, then we feel almost 'as one' so when one half of that equation dies, the other half feels alone, incomplete, broken.

Maintaining the Status Quo

     I consider myself lucky to have incredible friends and supportive family members who felt a calling to jump right in and help when they could.   They even organized a day where several folks came to my home to help me get my large property all buttoned up and prepared for a New Hampshire winter that first year. This was a really BIG blessing as I am someone who tends to take everything on myself rather than ask for help!  

     But once winter set in and time began to pass from weeks into months I found myself getting more and more run down as I did, out of necessity, take on all the various chores that my husband usually handled around the property.  

     At first, I tried to do it all.  I kept up with the things he took pride in around our place like heating our home with wood in winter, planting and nurturing a large vegetable garden and keeping our lawn manicured perfectly so it looked like a lush, green carpet at all times.  

     'Simply speaking my truth about this was a big step for me...I was beginning to change' 

In the Wake of Suicide_ A Sister Speaks

A Sister Speaks...

     In the wake of my son's suicide back in 2002, his sister (my daughter) struggled with her grief and all the crippling emotions that came with it.  I was recently prompted to take a look at some of the poetry she had written before she, herself, left this world after a long battle with cancer some 8 years after her brother's death.  While I was quite pleased to find a few poems she had written to me for Mother's Day and birthdays over the years, it was the following piece that struck me as the most powerful.  I feel compelled to share her words with you today in hopes to illustrate just how fraught with conflicting emotions the grief journey can be.  It is not my intention 'shame' anyone who contemplates suicide into sticking around for 'the sake of those who love them', but to just get the conversation going about the grief journey itself.  I have my own views about the soul's path that leads to suicide, which I am not sure the general population is prepared to look at quite yet so I have not been prompted to write or speak much about that at this time. That will come when the time is right...
     For now, I'll let my daughter speak from the Spirit realm and know that she feels her mother's pride from where I sit here in the physical world.  Pride in understanding just how much it took for her to wake each morning and put one foot in front of the other.  Pride at how much courage she had to summon to put on that happy face for the sake of the children she eventually brought into the world while she continued to carry unresolved grief.  And most of all, pride over her unyielding spirit when she, herself, faced down her own pending death with such grace and acceptance.

"Some days I just want to crawl in my Mother's womb, because there, I knew I was safe, sound and without worries.

Some days I want to cry for my loss, but no tears are shed, others I cry and feel more lost than I have ever felt in life.

Some days I don't want to get out of bed for fear that my mind will awaken and I will have to remember everything.

Some days I want to wake up fresh, happy and enjoy my day, but constant reminders of him put me at a stand still.

Some days I want to scream at him for what he has done, others I want to scream at myself for what I didn't do.

Some days I want to die myself, forget everything and have no more problems, then I realize that could never be.

Some days I wish I was my daughter and full of innocence, without worldly cares or concerns, and was happy always.

Some days I want my Daddy to hold me and tell me everything will be ok and it will be because he said it, so it's true.

Some days I hold my own child and tell her everything is going to be ok and she believes me even when it isn't always so.

Some days I stare blank-faced at his picture and try and figure out what was going through his mind and what he was feeling.

Some days I feel selfish that I'm the only one left and all attention is on me, when it should be used on people that need it.

Some days I feel alone because I'm the only one left and everyone's attention is scattered and there is no time to heal me.

Some days I cry, some days I crawl, some days I grieve, some days I fall, some days are good, some days are bad and some day

                                                     I get to see him again."

written by:  Tierra Lynne Brewster    8/18/80 ~ 10/19/10

From a Childless Mother...on Mother's Day

About Mother's Day...

     It may surprise some to know that, after losing both of my children by age 50, I am still able to embrace Mother's Day each spring.  Although I cannot speak for other mothers who find themselves separated from their children through death, what I can do is offer a few of my own words in the spirit of sharing for the benefit of all who need to hear them. 

     While I will not pretend that every Mother's Day is joyful,  I can tell you that I am able to find moments within each one to sit in quiet gratitude for being blessed with the experience of being a mother. Even when sorrow visits, I can be thankful at the same time that my children chose me as their mother and grateful for the time I was gifted with each of them.  How can I not, with so many out there who will never be graced with even a single day of motherhood in their own lifetime? 

     Each time the holiday rolls around I encounter people who do not know what to say to me and those like me.  I can feel it in their energy field....the timid, almost apologetic "Happy Mother's Day" sentiments and even, from some, an uncomfortable silence as they decide that it would be best not to deliver that sentiment to a childless mother. I'm not sure what it is they are feeling that directs their actions.  Perhaps they think it best for us to 'forget' about our past roles as mothers and do not want to be the ones to force us to remember....as if we could do anything BUT remember our kids on Mother's Day. 

     Since I live with a strong faith in the existence of the soul and it's consciousness after death, I still feel a very real and strong connection to both of my deceased children.  I have learned to recognize their presence and always receive a sign of some sort from one or both of them on Mother's Day.  Because of this I am actually able to look forward to Mother's Day and even have a lot of fun anticipating the sign(s) that are sure to arrive.  Any of you who knew my kids in this life would nod your head with recognition when I say that those signs tend to be drenched in sarcastic humor of some sort! Often times leaving me grinning from ear to ear at the 'joke that no one else gets'.

"...it triggers my own special memories and allows me to languish in that special feeling even for just a moment.... and this I consider a gift!"

     I also enjoy watching all of you lovely mothers out there receiving your own Mother's Day blessings and much earned adoration from your offspring.  Really, you do not have to hide this from me.  Share your stories with me and do not hold back your own pride as you relay the precious things your little ones made or did for you on Mother's Day.  Does it bring up memories of my own children when they were little?  YES!  Yes, it does and that is exactly the point!  When I hear about the silly breakfast your kids brought you in bed or the prickly weeds your toddler picked for you from the back yard, it triggers my own special memories and allows me to languish in that special feeling even for just a moment.... and this I consider a gift!

     So don't pretend my children never existed....
If you really want to do something special for me, include me in your discussions...ask me about my own children. I'd love to swap stories with you!  I know this makes most uncomfortable but by talking about it openly we begin to break down the wall of silence that has served as a barrier to keep childless mothers in a dark and lonely place on holidays like Mother's Day.   Why not talk about this very large elephant in the room?  Your acceptance of our loss actually serves to help us in our own healing.  Sweeping things under the rug, ignoring and/or changing the subject only feeds the darker emotions like sorrow and loneliness so please, offer light this year to a childless mother....celebrate their motherhood right along with you and your other girlfriends.

Blessings,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

*** For more of 'my story' click HERE

>> Click below to read the first installment of a series I write about my own grief journey.

Grieving Part 1_The Early Days

Please visit my website at:
www.WhiteElephantWisdom.com 

Grieving Part 4_When Death is "Expected"

When Death is Expected

    Some would say that an 'expected death' is easier to grieve then a sudden, unexpected one.  I would have to say that may be the case for some, but not necessarily true for all.  I could liken it to removing a band aid.....some people think it's easier to peel it off slowly & carefully, while others prefer to just yank it off and get it over with.  

     When someone we love passes from a long, debilitating illness, most of us will experience a 'kinder, gentler' sort of grief.  We've had time with our loved one to care for them while they were ill and can often feel a sense of relief when their pain and suffering is over.  We receive sentiments from our family and friends to the tune of, "At least now the suffering is over"  and "You can stop worrying about them now, knowing they have gone on to a better place"  

     While these may seem like appropriate things to say, they often make us feel like we should be stronger than we actually feel....like we should not be so sad since the death was expected after all.  This is especially true if we have lost someone very young.
     Others have a more difficult time with this type of death.  I think a big factor that will affect one's ability to cope with the grief after the passing is 'acceptance'.  Those who were able to come to terms with what was happening...that death was the inevitable outcome, and accept this early on in the process, are most likely going to be able to process their grief with a little less discomfort than those who could not.  It's a difficult situation to be in.  Watching someone we love suffer from a terminal illness, all the while hoping and praying that they will somehow recover and never really giving up hope for a miracle until the last breath is spent, can often lead us into periods of 'denial' instead of acceptance.  ***Learn more about Conscious Living and Dying HERE

Conflicting Emotions

     While it is true, to a certain extent we are able to rejoice in the relief of suffering for our loved one, our own suffering is still quite real and urgent.  We can have conflicting emotions.  One moment we may seem to be in complete control of ourselves and our emotions and the next moment we are distraught with pain and confusion.  We might question our own sanity because of our reactions.  We may be smiling on the outside....feeling genuine elation that the suffering is over.  We often feel a sense of 'awe and pride' toward our loved one for fighting such a gallant fight and even want to cheer them on for reaching the goal of leaving the physical body and finding peace in the afterlife.  But at the same time, on the inside we are silently screaming from the pain of our personal loss.  We are asking ourselves questions like, "My daughter just died and I am relieved? What is wrong with me?"  This can lead to misplaced feelings of guilt if we are not consciously aware that this sort of reaction is actually pretty common. It's important to try not to pass judgment on ourselves and anything we may be feeling. 

Finding the Gifts

     If you were to ask the grieving mother of a young boy suddenly killed in a car crash to "Find the gifts this experience has brought", you most likely would be met with a horrified look or even an emotionally charged, often angry, response.  But if you pose this same question to a parent who spent the last year or two caring for their boy while he slipped away from a long and debilitating illness, you might find that a lot of us can recognize these 'gifts' pretty early on in our grieving process.
      During my own personal journey through my daughter's cancer death, I could see right away that the illness actually brought with it, the gift of healing.  Since she and I always had a troubled relationship, when faced with her pending death, we were both able to recognize the importance of dropping judgments toward each other and healing the mother daughter relationship.  We had this special time together to learn how to love one another again and that was, indeed, a very special gift.  Do I wish she was still here with us?  Of course I do!  But she is not, and so in light of that I can take comfort by rejoicing in the gifts that she left behind.  It's my personal choice to try and find these hidden treasures in any difficult situation I find myself in and so I appear to be more resilient than some in the same situation.  But as you can see, I am not necessarily more resilient than the next person, I just make a conscious effort to focus on healthy, healing thoughts just as soon as I can when faced with tragedy, and this process helps me come to a place of acceptance more readily than some.
     There are, of course, numerous 'gifts' being given to the person who is dying as well.  Not everyone in these cases will have the same wonderful opportunities but those who still have some physical ability to engage in life will often do so with 'new eyes'.  I am always amazed by the grace a dying person exhibits.  There  is a certain calm....a certain 'knowingness' about them if they are fortunate enough to be consciously accepting of the process that is unfolding.  It is truly humbling to watch as they release those things in their lives that are beyond their control, and embrace the simpler, more potent experiences of love, forgiveness and healing.

 When it Gets Complicated

     Of course not all expected deaths are quite that easy to process.  Some could argue that the long, drawn out illness in and of itself can create a more difficult grief journey for those left behind.  I think this is especially true when it is a child who has died.
     I think we can all agree that watching your own child suffer is one of the hardest things for a parent to endure.  So naturally, a parent who has taken an active role in caring for a sick child who eventually passes away is faced with a different set of challenges than say, an adult child who nurses an elderly parent at the end of their life will. In these cases we can feel almost 'shell-shocked'.  We've just spent months or even years in a constant state of anxiety over the pending death.  We've spent enormous amounts of our own physical and emotional energy on their care and suddenly, it's over and we are left standing there feeling confused and without direction.  While we were powerless to stop the progression of the illness to begin with, at least we had 'things to do' to busy ourselves and keep us occupied with offering care and comfort measures but once the memorial services and burials are over with, we suddenly find ourselves sort of free-falling with no directions on how to steady ourselves.

     At the opposite end of the scale, so to speak, we find an elderly man who recently lost his wife and partner of over 50 years.  How does one find the will to build a brand new life when they, themselves are at an age where their own death is looming in the not so distant future?   In cases like this the grief can be more difficult to process and lead to a more lasting state of depression and a "Why bother?" attitude.  I think it's important for friends and family members to remember this and try to find ways to reach out to our bereaved elders and include them in the land of the living.  Hopefully, we can show them that there are still so many joys in life to experience.  Sometimes this can be accomplished simply by showing them that they are still useful.  Perhaps they have a skill in woodworking that you can show an interest in.  Gently try to get them to engage in life again.  Ask them to tell you stories of when he and his beloved first met.  Let him relive those days as often as he needs to and thank him for sharing with you.

 

Helping Someone You Know

     If you know someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one resulting from a terminal illness or disease of some kind, there are lots of ways you can offer your help.  One big difference between grievers in this type of situation and people who have suffered sudden, traumatic loss is that the surviving loved ones tend to want to have people around them and so visiting and helping with things around the house can be a good place to start.  

     I think this has to do what what I will call "The Tending Stage".  After a sudden death, or even any kind of life event trauma, those affected can benefit from a period of 'tending'. This is often a time where they just need quiet and rest.  Trying to carry on conversations can be too difficult and can quickly drain their energy, (read more about this in a previous blog post HERE), while the survivor of an expected death is often ready to talk about the process right away.  This, I feel, is because they have taken that time for 'self tending' all along the way in little bits throughout the weeks and months leading up to the death.  This is the 'band-aid effect' I spoke about at the beginning of this blog post.  These are the people that are experiencing the kinder, gentler grief process I mentioned.  They are simply taking it in slowly, over time instead of being thrown into it with no warning.

     Many of us bring our dying ones home for their final days and are immersed in their care, often times for many months or even years.  The house is full of medical equipment and supplies and our days have been busy with all sorts of extra duties involved in caring for our loved one when suddenly, we find ourselves with all this free time on our hands.  It's nice to have friends and family around to help fill that void.  Especially those who were active in helping us care for them, or have already lived similar circumstances and can be a sounding board for us as we begin to sort out some of our feelings.  It almost always helps to be around people who know, first hand, what we've gone through.

     One big task that you might offer to help with would be to remove all the medical equipment.  If the family had taken on all sorts of things like hospital beds and wheelchairs etc., and you are an expert at selling things on Crag's list, then perhaps you can offer your services to help the family remove these things from their home and recoup some of the money they spent along the way.  Most people would be very grateful for this kind of help.

     Cleaning house is always a big help too.  I know that it was something I truly appreciated when my daughter was dying.  I was so saturated in her care and trying to maintain a full time job away from home at the same time, that my house chores had to take a back seat.  I had to learn to accept help from my 'Angelic' friends who showed up with buckets and rubber gloves to help pick up the slack. 

     Above all, I like to make it a point to remind people that the grief journey is a very personal one.  No two grief experiences are the same...they are as individual as the person who died was and so not everyone will respond the same way to your offers of help.  Just use your instinct and let it guide you. Find gentle ways to offer your help, services or just your compassionate company and take the cues you are given in response.  If your friend declines and says they'd rather be alone...or 'do it themselves', then be prepared to let them. Try not to push your own expectations on them. If you see an area that they seem to be struggling with and you feel you can help then by all means, offer again.  I can almost guarantee you that your grieving friend is toggling back and forth between feeling 'strong, ok and in charge' one minute and feeling 'devastated, laid low and out of control' the next.  Just keep checking in.  If you offered to help remove the hospital bed and they refused, yet a month goes by and you notice the bed is still there, maybe you could offer again....maybe they just weren't ready the first time but they might be now.  Just remember that grieving is a process that brings many mood changes to your friend.  Understand how important your role is in helping them through and be there for them when they need you, and give them space when that is what is required.  Healing will take place over time when love is present. 

Many Blessings,

Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey: 
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over 
Grieving Part 3_Facing the Holidays

Please visit my website at www.whiteelephantwisdom.com

***Thoughtful discussion is welcome. Please comment below

The ABC's of ADC's (After Death Communications)

    ADC's, or After Death Communications, are a lot more commonplace than most people think.  In fact, if someone you love has left this life, I can almost guarantee that they have sent you messages in one form or another.  If you are shaking your head "NO", then I invite you to read on, hopefully with an open mind, before forming your final opinion on this. But before I get to the guts of it, let me ask you a question or two...

   IF someone you love is no longer here with us, and IF that someone actually had an eternal soul that continues to exist 'someplace', and IF that existing soul had the ability to reach out from beyond the grave and communicate with you, then WHY would you want to close yourself off to that experience?

"No one wants to be the laughing stock of  town, let alone be persecuted for their 'unusual' views."

Release the Fear
 

      I think that most people who are not already embracing this concept are shying away from it for various fear-based reasons.  Our society today passes judgement on just about everything you can imagine and belief systems that challenge old, deeply ingrained conditioning make most people uncomfortable at best.  No one wants to be the laughing stock of  town, let alone be persecuted for their 'unusual' views.

   We don't want to be on the receiving end of more of those "You poor dear" looks.  As if we are just being humored because we are hurting, but that we are not to be taken seriously when we try to tell someone our deceased mother sends us the scent of roses, her favorite flower, at the strangest of times and in the strangest of places.

   Often times religious teachers will warn us of dire circumstances should we engage in contacting the afterlife. I ask you to use your own discernment on this one. It is my opinion that this type of religious guidance is not healthy for your spirit or soul evolution. I feel that seeking contact from your husband who left this world in order to feel his love once again should be embraced and used to help us in our own healing, not shunned and scorned, leaving us feeling like we must hide this practice away in a dark closet someplace.  Let me be clear in that I do not object to religion....I feel that religious practices have very important roles in many people's lives.  I see people uplifted and supported by their church communities all the time.  I am speaking of any religious group that is using FEAR as a means of CONTROL. There are still many that are steeped in a fear based doctrine that I don't feel serves it's people very well in this, more enlightened era we find ourselves in.
     Another source of fear surrounding the spirit world comes from stories, myths and of course Hollywood movies.  Acknowledging that your deceased wife may have somehow orchestrated your wedding song to play on the radio, just as you were lighting a candle in her honor to mark your anniversary, does not mean you are somehow going to become possessed with some kind of dark entity!  I have met hundreds of folks over the years who have learned to interact with their loved ones after their death, and none of them have experienced anything but loving energy that proves to be quite healing for them while they grieve.

  
Is it Just Wishful Thinking?

     You also may hear people warning you (or whispering to those close to you), that our behavior of seeking to contact our child, who died so young, could be damaging us psychologically because we are not accepting the finality of the death that has occurred.  I would have to say that their concerns do warrant some consideration.  I absolutely stand behind a HEALTHY practice of interacting with the afterlife as a means to actually help you in processing your grief.  Besides using this as a tool for my own grief journey,  I have also witnessed countless others find healing from the very people that they have lost....from beyond the grave.  By showing us that death is not to be feared and that they are 'ok' on the other side, most of us are actually able to come to terms with the loss and begin to let them go much sooner than those who do not experience this while grieving.
    But care must be taken not to become obsessed with this practice to the point that we are not FACING our loss and processing our grief.  We mustn't become so immersed in our interactions with the Spirit realm that we neglect our lives and loved ones here in the physical.  If used with care, we can learn a great deal about the nature of the soul and even our own purpose for being here by studying and conversing with the afterlife, which always leads to a richer, more engaging life for us.  But where does one begin?

 Just Follow the Signs!

     I've read countless books, listened to dozens of lectures, sat with many psychic mediums, several of whom are nationally well known, and traveled with The Original Afterlife Conference for the past few years where I have met and interacted with literally hundreds of grievers who all will say the same thing.....the 'signs' are all around us....all we have to do is pay attention!
     If I could recommend one book that you might start with, it would have to be Hello From Heaven! by Bill & Judy Guggenheim.  This is a wonderful compilation of interviews with people who believe they have received messages from their departed loved ones. The book gives us example after example of the types of 'signs' they leave for us, and is written in a way that anyone can understand and relate to.
     I'll treat you to a story about one particular day that stands out in my memory as I write this blog post.  It was my first year attending The Original Afterlife Conference, which was being held in Portland, Oregon. (Please  check out their website.  This is a nationally known organization that brings scientists, hospice workers, doctors, religious clergy, Shamans and New Age seekers together for an educational experience second to none!)  I had just arrived at the airport and as I climbed into the shuttle van that was to take me to the hotel, I found a shiny new penny on the floor in front of my seat.  I picked it up and said out loud, "Must be a penny from heaven".  Followed by 'I wonder which one of you sent it?' , (which I kept to myself).  To my delight, the woman I had just seated myself next too smiled at me and said, "Oh, you must be going to the Afterlife Conference"......and so began our conversation where I learned that she too had recently lost a husband, prompting me to think of my own husband who had passed not quite a year before.  Sometimes a penny is just a penny after all....but sometimes they are 'pennies from heaven'.
     Upon arriving at the hotel, I was greeted by a lobby full of star-gazer lily bouquets.....my deceased daughter's favorite flower.  If I wanted to explain away the random shiny penny next to the 'other widow' in the van, then so be it....but this...well, this I felt was my daughter welcoming me to the conference.
     And if that weren't enough confirmation for me that my afterlife 'team' was cheering me on, the sign you see in the above photo was what I saw when the glass elevator came to a stop on the floor where my room was located....Mount Adams Wing of the hotel....my son's name was Adam. Sometimes they literally give you a SIGN!
     I was so tickled by the exchange but even more than that, I was encouraged and empowered by these messages.  You see, not only was this my first year attending this popular conference, but I had actually been invited to speak during one of the presentations.  I would sit on a discussion board with four others and talk openly to a room full of people about my losses and how I have used afterlife communication to facilitate my own healing and propel me forward on a powerful journey of self-discovery. My kids and my late husband were showing their support from the other side!

Not All Psychics Are Created Equal

   But before you go running off to the first psychic medium that shows up in your google search, please do yourself, (and your pocket book!) a favor.....do a little homework and get some recommendations from others who have gone before you.  (I touch on this in a previous blog post.....part of a series I write on Grief. You can read about it HERE)
I found some information with candid insights about visiting a medium HERE that you might also find helpful.  I will also pass this little resource along.  It's Bob Olson's web page.  He's done tons of research in the field and posts lists of legitimate mediums on his web page HERE.  It's not always easy to find a good medium in your area but they do have a 'funny way' of just showing up when you need them.
     Communicating with my family in the afterlife is my favorite "Elephant in the Room" to talk about.  I especially enjoy watching another's face light up once they realize that no, they aren't going crazy and yes, many of us are getting the same signs from our own loved ones in spirit as they are.  And the excitement that ensues once the discussion is brought into the the light is something I cherish every time I witness it.
     Even after hearing these things from me I would not expect anyone to just take this on as truth.  As is true with anything I teach, I will ask you to be discerning.  Practice tuning into your own inner wisdom.....seek more answers if you need them and they will show up when you are ready to receive them.  An open mind does not happen all at once.  It must be stretched slowly in order to avoid short circuiting!  So even if you are not at a place right now where you are ready to accept this practice, I would ask you to please find compassion for those around you who do.  Because for them, healing is taking place every time they encounter their lost ones.

***Many of you were drawn to this post because you have, indeed, received messages from your loved ones in the afterlife.  I invite you to post your favorite stories in the comment section below.  Let's start talking about the elephant in the room!

Blessings,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

Please visit my website at:  www.whiteelephantwisdom.com

Other Posts by White Elephant Wisdom LLC
Victim or Survivor...your choice? 
October-A Time for Quiet Reflection
New Age Practices-Useful or Useless? 
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over
Grieving Part 3...Facing the Holidays   


 

Grieving Part 3_Facing the Holidays

      With the holiday season upon us, my mind naturally wanders to those who have suffered a loss through death this past year.  I am far too familiar with the apprehension and even dread that most will feel as they approach this festive time of year without their loved one present for the first time.  I can only hope that a few words from someone who has already walked that particular path might help them in some small way.
     I'd like to start by acknowledging the fact that my words may not 'speak to' everyone who is grieving a loss.  Because no two people are exactly alike in the way they think and behave, no two grief journeys will be the same and no one, single source will address all your struggles and concerns.  I must also consider the many different faiths and cultural practices around the wold today and understand that I cannot speak about that which I do not know.  Because of this I can only speak from a place that I know intimately......my own memories of my experiences and all that I have learned since my first significant loss in 2002.
   I come from a 'non-religious' background whose family celebrates the standard holidays recognized in the US based on Christian and/or Pagan rituals and observances.  But grief speaks a UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE and is understood by all who experience it at very basic, primal levels.  In this way we are all brothers and sisters.....all of us who grieve during our holiday seasons whether it is Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa we are celebrating.

Self-Care First!

   My first piece of advice as you approach the holiday season is to practice self-care first and foremost.  This is NON-NEGOTIABLE!  Throughout your grief journey I would encourage you to find ways to be kind to yourself.  Maybe you'd enjoy a nice massage or can treat yourself to a mani or pedi (or all 3!).  If circumstances in your life do not allow for this type of luxury, you can still find other ways to be nice to yourself such as soaking in a hot bath or spending a quiet hour curled up in your favorite chair with a cup of tea and a book.  Whatever you decide to do for yourself, I hope you can make this a regular occurrence as it will serve you well in dealing with some of the anxiety and depression associated with grieving.  Grieving is not a brief process....you are in it for the long haul so you might as well develop helpful and healthy self-care practices from the beginning. Your body, mind and spirit will all be glad you did!

Beware the Pitfalls!
 

   One of the things I learned early on about grief and the holidays is that we grievers tend to react in one of two distinctly different ways.  Some of us recoil from the festivities and prefer to be alone since being around a lot of people is too much for us to handle, while others go out of their way to be part of all the social events they are used to, even hosting some themselves as a way of feeling 'normal' during the holidays.
   Both are perfectly 'normal' and acceptable.  Please do not judge yourself or anyone else who is grieving for their feelings on the subject.  If you are the one who is shying away from the crowds, then you can use that time to do something special for yourself.  Perhaps pour yourself a glass of wine on Christmas Eve, put some soft holiday music on and have yourself a good cry over the family photo albums.....reliving scenes of Christmas Past. Allow the memories to wash over you and pass through you. This will most likely bring up some emotional response from you and  is a good way to process and release some of your grief from time to time.  Crying can be very cleansing and freeing.
   If you are feeling like 'the show must go on' and want to go all out to host your family or friends during a holiday celebration, then do it!  I would only warn you to be mindful of the physical drain orchestrating such an event entails.  Please check in with yourself often to make sure you are not taking on more than you can handle.  Becoming physically exhausted makes grief harder to bear and will only serve to be counter-productive in the long run.
   I think the biggest pitfall people stumble into regarding grief and the holidays is the amount of time and energy they spend dreading it as it approaches.  I know it can't be helped......I've done it myself....more than once.  But I can tell you from experience that the actual day itself, once it arrives, never seems to hold as much 'darkness' and 'power' as I had imagined it would.  This same is true for other important dates like birthdays and the anniversary of your loved one's passing.  It's the 'fear of the unknown' that has power over us.  Once the day dawns and we realize we are still standing and breathing, just like any other day, the fear begins to loose it's power over us.

Rituals.....Old & New

Holiday Rituals

    Meanwhile, as the holiday in question approaches, we agonize over what we'll do.  Will we go ahead 'business as usual' and do all the shopping, decorating, cooking and socializing?  Do we still cook the same traditional foods?  Do we still perform the same annual rituals?  Do we create something brand new, to avoid triggering painful memories or do we bow out all together and stay home alone watching movies in our sweatpants?
   Again, I cannot stress enough that there are no right or wrong ways of dealing with the holidays.  The most important part of this equation is YOU.  What do YOU want to do or not want to do?  Myself, I decided to keep the old traditions AND add some new ones. The images you see above are a sampling of how I honor my daughter's life at Christmas time.  Her oldest daughter has made a ritual of placing a memorial ornament with her Mom's picture in it on our tree...it gets to be placed first every year.  All three of my grandchildren have established a candle lighting ceremony that we do at every holiday meal.   They each light one candle and we say a prayer of thanks and welcome those we love in the afterlife to come and join us for each celebration. And even though no one really likes the cherry flavored Jello cookies, I still make them every year for my daughter since they were always her favorite!  The number of ways to create ritual and ceremony to honor a loved one's life is endless and there are no 'rules' so get creative!  Do whatever feels right for you.
   This sort of thing may not appeal to some of you.  You may be looking for ways to change your holiday practices in order to create something brand new that will not serve as a reminder of your loss.  This is perfectly fine too! This grief journey is yours and yours alone so you get to decide.  The only time you should be considering someone else's feelings on the subject is if that someone is also grieving the same loss and is part of your inner circle.  In other words, if you want to shy away from the festivities this year but your husband wants to be a part of them, then consider finding a way to compromise.  Be gentle with one another because, as I am fond of pointing out, no two grief experiences are the same and no two people respond the same way so neither of you is 'right' or 'wrong'.  Please try to avoid pressuring another to see it your way.  Honor their own process as much as you can without compromising your own needs and wishes.  If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to go to that office party with your husband this year, tell him your reasons why.  Tell him how you are feeling and ask him to respect your wishes.  If it means that much to him, perhaps he can go alone this year or take a trusted friend in your place.  Or maybe you can compromise and skip the the company party with the big crowds of people but agree to attend a smaller, more intimate neighborhood gathering together.  What ever the case may be, please remember to be gentle with yourself and do not pass judgement on yourself for not functioning at 100% yet.

Helping Someone You Know

   If I had to choose only one thing to say to those wishing to offer their support to a grieving loved one during the holidays it would be this. DO NOT JUDGE!  Well wishers often think they know what is 'best for us' and express this with statements like:  "Oh come on, it will be good for you to be around other people, it will help you get your mind off 'things' (***It's very common for people to be afraid to speak the deceased person's name when addressing the griever directly)"  or.....  "Don't you think (insert deceased person's name here)_______ would have wanted you to enjoy this day?"  or....."Do you really think you should be going all out this year?  Wouldn't you prefer a quiet day instead?"  It's a difficult position to be in and you may be feeling quite awkward and at a loss for words when faced with your friend or family member who is still experiencing heavy grief during the holidays, so I will offer you a couple of things to consider that you might find helpful.

    The first thing that comes to my mind is probably one of the biggest elephants in the room when it comes to interacting with the newly bereaved and that is our reluctance to SAY THEIR NAMES.  It sounds simple enough....but this is something most people (who have not suffered a significant loss themselves) try to avoid like the plague. (See previous blog post "Grieving Part 2" for more about this)    It literally makes them squirm....but I have to tell you that for us, hearing their name is like life's blood itself.  You see, just because our loved one left their physical body, does not mean they ceased to exist!  It makes us feel like people are judging us if we cannot speak their name freely.  It makes us feel like people want us to forget....EXPECT us to forget but forgetting is not possible for us nor is it something I recommend you try to do!   Mentioning them during the holidays may produce some tears for us in the beginning but have a little faith and a LOT of patience and eventually, we will smile and laugh when someone tells the story of the time our deceased son tipped the whole tree over in his haste to get at his gift in the back.....honest we will! Maybe not this year but someday we will.

   If you took the time to read the previous sections of this blog post, then you are acquainted with the way grievers tend to fall into two categories......they either hide themselves away or they go all out.  Either way, you can help if you really want to.  If your person has chosen to stay clear of all celebrations, then find some time to talk to them about this prior to the holiday.  Ask them if they are sure this is what they really want or if they are choosing to stay away to 'protect others' in the group.  Some of us feel like our sadness is a burden for others and we may choose to skip Christmas dinner at Aunt Flo's because we don't want to be a downer!  If you discover this to be the case, perhaps together with some other family members, you can find a way to help your griever feel comfortable enough to join in......even if it's only for dessert.  If they reveal that they truly want to be alone, then perhaps you could offer to stop by with a plate of left overs at the end of the day for them.  They might be able to accept that small gesture and your kindness may help them feel better about 'missing out'. 

   If you see that your recently widowed sister seems to be taking it all on herself and is planning to host the entire family at her place, perhaps you can step in and insist on coming to help her with everything and that might even include all the planning that goes into it along with the pre-holiday prep work like grocery shopping and making sure the house gets cleaned and decorated.  I'm sure she would welcome the help and your support will not go unappreciated.

Love Knows No Boundaries

   I hope these words have helped you in some small way to begin to understand that LOVE is everlasting.  It survives all things.....including death.  It exists in the coldest, darkest places....if we'd only be brave enough to look for it.  I continue to hold all of my bereaved brothers and sisters in my thoughts and prayers this, and every holiday season.  May you all find peace in your days and may you continue to feel the love of those who have passed on from this life.
   As I sit here finishing up this post, I am warmed by my own deceased grandmother's presence since I am immersed in the heady scent of fresh bread baking...one of her recipes and a family favorite.  And tomorrow, at the Thanksgiving dinner table, when everyone starts to rave about how delicious the home-made oatmeal dinner rolls are that I contributed, (and they all will!) I will offer up a big smile and announce how these are 'Grammie Audrey's Rolls'.  And in this way, I will have brought her into that present moment to celebrate family and friends with us.

Blessings,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Spiritual Teacher, Author and Grief-Specialist who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky speaks publicly about all aspects of the grief journey and specializes in showing folks the way through by offering private sessions as a Grief Journey Guide.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences. Vicky continues to 'lead by example' and has published her memoir, Through Grief-Colored Glasses so others can benefit from her story by taking an intimate look at what it was like to walk through profound grief and rebuild ones life after devastating loss.  Look for her book on Amazon or where your favorite books are sold! 

For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey: 
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over

Please visit my website at www.whiteelephantwisdom.com

***Thoughtful discussion is welcome. Please comment below