Let's Talk About the Elephant in the Room : Grieving Part 5

The Widow's Journey

Every significant loss brings with it a grief journey that we must walk through. Each and every journey will be different from the last as well as the next. With each death, we will experience a different set of feelings, triumphs and challenges that are unique to us just as our relationships with those who have passed were. While there are some basic parts of grief that may seem ‘familiar’ to us, we will also encounter brand new feelings that will take us by surprise. Today, I’d like to talk specifically about the many challenges we face after losing a spouse.

While I can only speak from personal experience based on the perceptions of a woman who has lost her husband, I can tell you that I have observed many similarities in the over-all list of challenges one faces after losing a spouse no matter what the gender is of the couple involved. We are all finding ourselves in a position of having to 'let go' of our partner in life.

First, of course, we have to walk through those initial days of acute grief. As always, this looks different for each individual but some common denominators are shock, numbness, uncontrollable emotions, inability to concentrate, wanting to be alone, needing to be near people, fear etc. As we are fending off these types of rapidly changing moods and emotions, we also need to immediately make important decisions, mostly involving arrangements for the memorial services and/or burial. For me, I found the darkest, most difficult times to bear during those early days were bedtime and first thing in the morning. Something about climbing into the empty bed and then, waking in the morning also to an empty bed just brought the reality of the situation crashing in. I was alone.

It doesn't take us long to realize just how much we leaned on our mates during our daily lives. Every morning when I woke my first thought was of him and the fact that he was really gone. My instincts would be to reach for HIM for comfort. He was my partner, my mate and my rock when I needed consoling and so I felt like I was caught in a paradox since he was my go-to for that support I so desperately needed. I had already walked through losing both of my children with this man by my side so this realization of having to face this loss alone was stark and undeniable from the very first day. While I was fortunate enough to have family and friends willing to rally around me, internally, I still felt completely alone. If we are lucky enough to have great love in our relationship with our life partner, then we feel almost 'as one' so when one half of that equation dies, the other half feels alone, incomplete, broken.

Maintaining the Status Quo

I consider myself lucky to have incredible friends and supportive family members who felt a calling to jump right in and help when they could. They even organized a day where several folks came to my home to help me get my large property all buttoned up and prepared for a New Hampshire winter that first year. This was a really BIG blessing as I am someone who tends to take everything on myself rather than ask for help!

But once winter set in and time began to pass from weeks into months I found myself getting more and more run down as I did, out of necessity, take on all the various chores that my husband usually handled around the property.

At first, I tried to do it all. I kept up with the things he took pride in around our place like heating our home with wood in winter, planting and nurturing a large vegetable garden and keeping our lawn manicured perfectly so it looked like a lush, green carpet at all times.

'Simply speaking my truth about this was a big step for me...I was beginning to change'

One thing that stands out during that first year for me is that occasionally I would still get offers of help from a few people that would usually sound like this, "Hey I can help you out if you want. I'd be happy to come mow your lawn for you...just say the word!" What they didn't really understand, (unless I came right out and told them-which I usually did at that point) was that A.-I have a ride-on lawn tractor so it's actually quite easy to mow the lawn and B.- Riding Leo's mower around the property made me feel really close to him. The chore itself took less than an hour, was very relaxing and, when done, gave me a huge sense of satisfaction. Simply speaking my truth about this was a big step for me...I was beginning to change.

EVERYTHING Changes

The widow's journey brings with it BIG CHANGE. One of the things we tend to do when ever we are faced with a significant loss is to try and 'get our lives back'. We want normalcy. We need our lives to have order again, to make sense and have purpose. Every grief journey, be it the loss of a parent, spouse, close friend or even a child, will bring profound change to our lives but losing your spouse requires EVERYTHING to change. As life partners, we are so intertwined with our spouses that we sometimes feel like we are a 'unit' that functions as one so the sudden loss of 'our other half' throws us into an unavoidable period of complete upheaval in all areas of our lives. Many of us struggle with this inevitability as we are faced with suddenly being separated from our beloveds.

As mentioned above, I immediately tried to do all the things around the home that my husband did AND also keep up with my own extensive list of tasks. It wasn't long before I realized things needed to change and something had to give. I began restructuring my daily life. I reduced the size of the vegetable garden, eventually giving it up altogether and planting grass in it's stead. I stopped burning wood and saved myself untold hours of hard work that's required to keep a stove burning at all times. I no longer cared if the lawn looked like a carpet as long as it was relatively healthy, cutting it when it got too long and trimming the edges a lot less frequently. I even put my family 'on notice' that I would no longer host all the holiday get togethers saving myself all of the work it takes to plan, prepare and clean up after such large events. I was basically reducing my stress levels, releasing myself of what I had thought of as 'my duty' to keep the status quo intact. I began to understand that I was literally reinventing who I was as a person.

Building a Brand New YOU

There is a period of time after losing a spouse that I feel is actually very sacred to the one left wearing the badge of 'Widow' or 'Widower'. I remember actually physically cringing the first time I heard a relative introduce me as "Leo's Widow". Is that who I was now? Will that be my identity for the rest of my days?

As I began to really ponder this I realized that no, this is merely a title imposed upon me by society. I still hold domain over my own life and I recognized that it was up to me to rebuild it, to create something brand new that is just for me. I needed to literally reinvent myself and don a shiny new identity like a brand new outfit. I also understood that it was up to me to decide what that 'outfit' would look like. Would it be all black? Or would it be alive with bursts of lovely, bright colors?

This process of reinventing ourselves is a very personal one for each individual and should not be judged by others. No matter how well meaning your comments may seem to you, if you are starting any sentence to your widowed friend with "Don't you think it's time you....." then you are, in my opinion, crossing a boundary. The griever gets to decide when and how they will make these changes in their lives based on their own internal clocks and their willingness to embrace change. Of course if your loved one invites your opinion by actually asking you, then by all means share your thoughts openly and honestly with them. The very act of asking has indicated a readiness on their part to hear what you have to say.

THE Ring

The wedding ring is a big one for a lot of us. Some people like to remove it immediately, feeling like there is no need to prolong the inevitable while others take their time, often going through steps like placing it on the other hand or wearing it on a chain around their neck. We often still feel very married to this person so we may need a significant amount of time before we feel comfortable enough to let our title of 'husband or wife' go. And for us, that literally IS what is happening internally when we remove that ring.

'Society in general has somehow decided that the one year mark is some kind of magic number for

healing grief '

Seeking Companionship

Inviting someone new into our lives after the death of a spouse can be quite bittersweet. One thing that I have noticed among a lot of us in this position is that we can feel as though 'all eyes are upon us'. Our friends and families are often quite concerned about us, at least during the early years, and they each have opinions about what they feel we need. Some will come right out and say things to us like, "Don't you think it's time to consider dating?" or "I think all you need is to have a new love interest" and even, "Don't you think it's a little SOON to be dating?"

Society in general has somehow decided that the one year mark is some kind of magic number for healing grief when I can tell you from personal experience that the second year is often just as difficult as the first. Especially after losing your spouse. Dating again after such a loss is one of the most difficult decisions we make. Some of us long for that connection with another and may find new love before the first year is out and are often judged for dating 'too soon'. Others wait years before even considering letting anyone in close and yet are said to be 'pining away' or 'still not over it'. In some cases, especially if children are involved, the widower's new love interest is never completely accepted into the family, as if loving another is somehow a betrayal to the one who died.

By writing about this I am hoping to help folks understand that the griever needs to be the one to decide when it's the right time for them to start dating again. Some never do. Some prefer to live out their days without ever taking another mate and that's ok if that is what their Soul truly desires. Although, some will also remain alone because they are caught in a complicated grief pattern that they can't seem to heal or get past. If your loved one falls into this category, there are ways you can open discussion with them without crossing boundaries. Simply be thoughtful about your approach. Understand that this is their journey and you cannot possibly know what it looks like and feels like through their own unique perception. Open your sentences with thoughtful statements like, "I cannot possibly know what you are going through but I am concerned about..."

Time to Move?

Selling the marital home can bring up a lot of emotions that can be difficult to deal with. We face all sorts of feelings including guilt if there are children involved who were raised in the home. I feel very fortunate to have been in a position to be able to take my time with the decision to leave the home my husband and I built together. Others don't have that option. My heart breaks for those who, for a myriad of different reasons, (like the devastating loss of their spouse's income), cannot stay nestled in the safety of the home they shared together as a couple during their initial grief stages. I cannot even imagine what kind of additional stress a sudden move like that can add to a grieving widow(er)'s daily life.

I stayed in 'our' home for 5 years. I cherished my time there but always knew that one day I would leave. Much like the removal of the wedding ring in stages, I went through various 'stages of change' in the home before I felt comfortable enough to let it go.

Very soon after my husband's death I became dedicated to finishing the projects that he, himself had started like painting our large, open concept living spaces a warm golden yellow. I received reports that some family members thought this an 'assault' on his memory....that I would make such bold changes to the home not 3 months after his passing. I was so saddened by this news since those people had no idea that I was merely finishing what my husband had started, as my way of honoring him...they never bothered to ask me. They simply chose to judge.

"it gave me opportunity to transform the place from

our home to my house "

My next change happened about 8 months after his passing. I still felt comforted by seeing 'his things' in our home, but the bedroom caused me great pain. I can remember scenes from movies of a woman standing inside the bedroom closet she shared with her husband after his passing holding one of his shirts close, pressing it to her face and inhaling any lingering scent that clung to it. I can now tell you that was pretty realistic...yes, I did that on many occasions. But after a few months it became clear to me that if I was to truly heal then it was time to allow some more change in. So I removed his things from our bedroom and redecorated it to suit my own tastes. As I made it my own I became excited and hopeful that I was certainly moving on. And then, when it was finished and I walked in that first night to sleep there I crumbled! The grief blind-sided me as it often does when we least expect it. He no longer had a place in my bedroom and that thought crushed me, but it was short lived. I think it was just the remnants of pain still buried inside me over letting go of the actual marriage finding it's final release, and that was a very good thing.

Over the next couple of years I gave more of his things away and made other changes to help me put my own stamp on the place. Looking back, I think this was the perfect process for me as it gave me opportunity to transform the place from 'our home' to 'my house' before making that final decision to sell and move.

'it leaves me to get back to the tasks at hand.....

living my NEW life'

Even so, moving still came with some surprising emotions that I thought were long gone. It just goes to show me, once again, that grief, no matter who we have lost, is not something we strive to 'get over' but more like something we learn to 'live with it'. As the years go by, when these emotions show up, usually without any warning, I am blessed with a sense of nostalgia that reminds me of a time long past that I can visit anytime I want but can also choose how long I stay. It's like the grief itself becomes an intimate old friend, one I am so comfortable with that years can pass without hearing from each other yet when we do come in contact it feels like no time has passed at all. One who I am comfortable laughing with, crying with and just BEING with in silence. One whose visits I welcome and cherish as my way of making sure I never forget the one who has left my life yet, like any house-guest we entertain, one whose departure is also welcomed as it leaves me free to get back to the tasks at hand.....living my NEW life.

As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments.

Blessings on your journey to Self-Discovery after loss,
Vicky