Grieving Part 4_When Death is "Expected"

When Death is Expected

    Some would say that an 'expected death' is easier to grieve then a sudden, unexpected one.  I would have to say that may be the case for some, but not necessarily true for all.  I could liken it to removing a band aid.....some people think it's easier to peel it off slowly & carefully, while others prefer to just yank it off and get it over with.  

     When someone we love passes from a long, debilitating illness, most of us will experience a 'kinder, gentler' sort of grief.  We've had time with our loved one to care for them while they were ill and can often feel a sense of relief when their pain and suffering is over.  We receive sentiments from our family and friends to the tune of, "At least now the suffering is over"  and "You can stop worrying about them now, knowing they have gone on to a better place"  

     While these may seem like appropriate things to say, they often make us feel like we should be stronger than we actually feel....like we should not be so sad since the death was expected after all.  This is especially true if we have lost someone very young.
     Others have a more difficult time with this type of death.  I think a big factor that will affect one's ability to cope with the grief after the passing is 'acceptance'.  Those who were able to come to terms with what was happening...that death was the inevitable outcome, and accept this early on in the process, are most likely going to be able to process their grief with a little less discomfort than those who could not.  It's a difficult situation to be in.  Watching someone we love suffer from a terminal illness, all the while hoping and praying that they will somehow recover and never really giving up hope for a miracle until the last breath is spent, can often lead us into periods of 'denial' instead of acceptance.  ***Learn more about Conscious Living and Dying HERE

Conflicting Emotions

     While it is true, to a certain extent we are able to rejoice in the relief of suffering for our loved one, our own suffering is still quite real and urgent.  We can have conflicting emotions.  One moment we may seem to be in complete control of ourselves and our emotions and the next moment we are distraught with pain and confusion.  We might question our own sanity because of our reactions.  We may be smiling on the outside....feeling genuine elation that the suffering is over.  We often feel a sense of 'awe and pride' toward our loved one for fighting such a gallant fight and even want to cheer them on for reaching the goal of leaving the physical body and finding peace in the afterlife.  But at the same time, on the inside we are silently screaming from the pain of our personal loss.  We are asking ourselves questions like, "My daughter just died and I am relieved? What is wrong with me?"  This can lead to misplaced feelings of guilt if we are not consciously aware that this sort of reaction is actually pretty common. It's important to try not to pass judgment on ourselves and anything we may be feeling. 

Finding the Gifts

     If you were to ask the grieving mother of a young boy suddenly killed in a car crash to "Find the gifts this experience has brought", you most likely would be met with a horrified look or even an emotionally charged, often angry, response.  But if you pose this same question to a parent who spent the last year or two caring for their boy while he slipped away from a long and debilitating illness, you might find that a lot of us can recognize these 'gifts' pretty early on in our grieving process.
      During my own personal journey through my daughter's cancer death, I could see right away that the illness actually brought with it, the gift of healing.  Since she and I always had a troubled relationship, when faced with her pending death, we were both able to recognize the importance of dropping judgments toward each other and healing the mother daughter relationship.  We had this special time together to learn how to love one another again and that was, indeed, a very special gift.  Do I wish she was still here with us?  Of course I do!  But she is not, and so in light of that I can take comfort by rejoicing in the gifts that she left behind.  It's my personal choice to try and find these hidden treasures in any difficult situation I find myself in and so I appear to be more resilient than some in the same situation.  But as you can see, I am not necessarily more resilient than the next person, I just make a conscious effort to focus on healthy, healing thoughts just as soon as I can when faced with tragedy, and this process helps me come to a place of acceptance more readily than some.
     There are, of course, numerous 'gifts' being given to the person who is dying as well.  Not everyone in these cases will have the same wonderful opportunities but those who still have some physical ability to engage in life will often do so with 'new eyes'.  I am always amazed by the grace a dying person exhibits.  There  is a certain calm....a certain 'knowingness' about them if they are fortunate enough to be consciously accepting of the process that is unfolding.  It is truly humbling to watch as they release those things in their lives that are beyond their control, and embrace the simpler, more potent experiences of love, forgiveness and healing.

 When it Gets Complicated

     Of course not all expected deaths are quite that easy to process.  Some could argue that the long, drawn out illness in and of itself can create a more difficult grief journey for those left behind.  I think this is especially true when it is a child who has died.
     I think we can all agree that watching your own child suffer is one of the hardest things for a parent to endure.  So naturally, a parent who has taken an active role in caring for a sick child who eventually passes away is faced with a different set of challenges than say, an adult child who nurses an elderly parent at the end of their life will. In these cases we can feel almost 'shell-shocked'.  We've just spent months or even years in a constant state of anxiety over the pending death.  We've spent enormous amounts of our own physical and emotional energy on their care and suddenly, it's over and we are left standing there feeling confused and without direction.  While we were powerless to stop the progression of the illness to begin with, at least we had 'things to do' to busy ourselves and keep us occupied with offering care and comfort measures but once the memorial services and burials are over with, we suddenly find ourselves sort of free-falling with no directions on how to steady ourselves.

     At the opposite end of the scale, so to speak, we find an elderly man who recently lost his wife and partner of over 50 years.  How does one find the will to build a brand new life when they, themselves are at an age where their own death is looming in the not so distant future?   In cases like this the grief can be more difficult to process and lead to a more lasting state of depression and a "Why bother?" attitude.  I think it's important for friends and family members to remember this and try to find ways to reach out to our bereaved elders and include them in the land of the living.  Hopefully, we can show them that there are still so many joys in life to experience.  Sometimes this can be accomplished simply by showing them that they are still useful.  Perhaps they have a skill in woodworking that you can show an interest in.  Gently try to get them to engage in life again.  Ask them to tell you stories of when he and his beloved first met.  Let him relive those days as often as he needs to and thank him for sharing with you.

 

Helping Someone You Know

     If you know someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one resulting from a terminal illness or disease of some kind, there are lots of ways you can offer your help.  One big difference between grievers in this type of situation and people who have suffered sudden, traumatic loss is that the surviving loved ones tend to want to have people around them and so visiting and helping with things around the house can be a good place to start.  

     I think this has to do what what I will call "The Tending Stage".  After a sudden death, or even any kind of life event trauma, those affected can benefit from a period of 'tending'. This is often a time where they just need quiet and rest.  Trying to carry on conversations can be too difficult and can quickly drain their energy, (read more about this in a previous blog post HERE), while the survivor of an expected death is often ready to talk about the process right away.  This, I feel, is because they have taken that time for 'self tending' all along the way in little bits throughout the weeks and months leading up to the death.  This is the 'band-aid effect' I spoke about at the beginning of this blog post.  These are the people that are experiencing the kinder, gentler grief process I mentioned.  They are simply taking it in slowly, over time instead of being thrown into it with no warning.

     Many of us bring our dying ones home for their final days and are immersed in their care, often times for many months or even years.  The house is full of medical equipment and supplies and our days have been busy with all sorts of extra duties involved in caring for our loved one when suddenly, we find ourselves with all this free time on our hands.  It's nice to have friends and family around to help fill that void.  Especially those who were active in helping us care for them, or have already lived similar circumstances and can be a sounding board for us as we begin to sort out some of our feelings.  It almost always helps to be around people who know, first hand, what we've gone through.

     One big task that you might offer to help with would be to remove all the medical equipment.  If the family had taken on all sorts of things like hospital beds and wheelchairs etc., and you are an expert at selling things on Crag's list, then perhaps you can offer your services to help the family remove these things from their home and recoup some of the money they spent along the way.  Most people would be very grateful for this kind of help.

     Cleaning house is always a big help too.  I know that it was something I truly appreciated when my daughter was dying.  I was so saturated in her care and trying to maintain a full time job away from home at the same time, that my house chores had to take a back seat.  I had to learn to accept help from my 'Angelic' friends who showed up with buckets and rubber gloves to help pick up the slack. 

     Above all, I like to make it a point to remind people that the grief journey is a very personal one.  No two grief experiences are the same...they are as individual as the person who died was and so not everyone will respond the same way to your offers of help.  Just use your instinct and let it guide you. Find gentle ways to offer your help, services or just your compassionate company and take the cues you are given in response.  If your friend declines and says they'd rather be alone...or 'do it themselves', then be prepared to let them. Try not to push your own expectations on them. If you see an area that they seem to be struggling with and you feel you can help then by all means, offer again.  I can almost guarantee you that your grieving friend is toggling back and forth between feeling 'strong, ok and in charge' one minute and feeling 'devastated, laid low and out of control' the next.  Just keep checking in.  If you offered to help remove the hospital bed and they refused, yet a month goes by and you notice the bed is still there, maybe you could offer again....maybe they just weren't ready the first time but they might be now.  Just remember that grieving is a process that brings many mood changes to your friend.  Understand how important your role is in helping them through and be there for them when they need you, and give them space when that is what is required.  Healing will take place over time when love is present. 

Many Blessings,

Vicky

For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey: 
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over 
Grieving Part 3_Facing the Holidays

Please visit my website at www.whiteelephantwisdom.com

***Thoughtful discussion is welcome. Please comment below