With the holiday season upon us, my mind naturally wanders to those who have suffered a loss through death this past year. I am far too familiar with the apprehension and even dread that most will feel as they approach this festive time of year without their loved one present for the first time. I can only hope that a few words from someone who has already walked that particular path might help them in some small way.
I'd like to start by acknowledging the fact that my words may not 'speak to' everyone who is grieving a loss. Because no two people are exactly alike in the way they think and behave, no two grief journeys will be the same and no one, single source will address all your struggles and concerns. I must also consider the many different faiths and cultural practices around the wold today and understand that I cannot speak about that which I do not know. Because of this I can only speak from a place that I know intimately......my own memories of my experiences and all that I have learned since my first significant loss in 2002.
I come from a 'non-religious' background whose family celebrates the standard holidays recognized in the US based on Christian and/or Pagan rituals and observances. But grief speaks a UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE and is understood by all who experience it at very basic, primal levels. In this way we are all brothers and sisters.....all of us who grieve during our holiday seasons whether it is Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa we are celebrating.
Self-Care First!
My first piece of advice as you approach the holiday season is to practice self-care first and foremost. This is NON-NEGOTIABLE! Throughout your grief journey I would encourage you to find ways to be kind to yourself. Maybe you'd enjoy a nice massage or can treat yourself to a mani or pedi (or all 3!). If circumstances in your life do not allow for this type of luxury, you can still find other ways to be nice to yourself such as soaking in a hot bath or spending a quiet hour curled up in your favorite chair with a cup of tea and a book. Whatever you decide to do for yourself, I hope you can make this a regular occurrence as it will serve you well in dealing with some of the anxiety and depression associated with grieving. Grieving is not a brief process....you are in it for the long haul so you might as well develop helpful and healthy self-care practices from the beginning. Your body, mind and spirit will all be glad you did!
Beware the Pitfalls!
One of the things I learned early on about grief and the holidays is that we grievers tend to react in one of two distinctly different ways. Some of us recoil from the festivities and prefer to be alone since being around a lot of people is too much for us to handle, while others go out of their way to be part of all the social events they are used to, even hosting some themselves as a way of feeling 'normal' during the holidays.
Both are perfectly 'normal' and acceptable. Please do not judge yourself or anyone else who is grieving for their feelings on the subject. If you are the one who is shying away from the crowds, then you can use that time to do something special for yourself. Perhaps pour yourself a glass of wine on Christmas Eve, put some soft holiday music on and have yourself a good cry over the family photo albums.....reliving scenes of Christmas Past. Allow the memories to wash over you and pass through you. This will most likely bring up some emotional response from you and is a good way to process and release some of your grief from time to time. Crying can be very cleansing and freeing.
If you are feeling like 'the show must go on' and want to go all out to host your family or friends during a holiday celebration, then do it! I would only warn you to be mindful of the physical drain orchestrating such an event entails. Please check in with yourself often to make sure you are not taking on more than you can handle. Becoming physically exhausted makes grief harder to bear and will only serve to be counter-productive in the long run.
I think the biggest pitfall people stumble into regarding grief and the holidays is the amount of time and energy they spend dreading it as it approaches. I know it can't be helped......I've done it myself....more than once. But I can tell you from experience that the actual day itself, once it arrives, never seems to hold as much 'darkness' and 'power' as I had imagined it would. This same is true for other important dates like birthdays and the anniversary of your loved one's passing. It's the 'fear of the unknown' that has power over us. Once the day dawns and we realize we are still standing and breathing, just like any other day, the fear begins to loose it's power over us.
Rituals.....Old & New
Meanwhile, as the holiday in question approaches, we agonize over what we'll do. Will we go ahead 'business as usual' and do all the shopping, decorating, cooking and socializing? Do we still cook the same traditional foods? Do we still perform the same annual rituals? Do we create something brand new, to avoid triggering painful memories or do we bow out all together and stay home alone watching movies in our sweatpants?
Again, I cannot stress enough that there are no right or wrong ways of dealing with the holidays. The most important part of this equation is YOU. What do YOU want to do or not want to do? Myself, I decided to keep the old traditions AND add some new ones. The images you see above are a sampling of how I honor my daughter's life at Christmas time. Her oldest daughter has made a ritual of placing a memorial ornament with her Mom's picture in it on our tree...it gets to be placed first every year. All three of my grandchildren have established a candle lighting ceremony that we do at every holiday meal. They each light one candle and we say a prayer of thanks and welcome those we love in the afterlife to come and join us for each celebration. And even though no one really likes the cherry flavored Jello cookies, I still make them every year for my daughter since they were always her favorite! The number of ways to create ritual and ceremony to honor a loved one's life is endless and there are no 'rules' so get creative! Do whatever feels right for you.
This sort of thing may not appeal to some of you. You may be looking for ways to change your holiday practices in order to create something brand new that will not serve as a reminder of your loss. This is perfectly fine too! This grief journey is yours and yours alone so you get to decide. The only time you should be considering someone else's feelings on the subject is if that someone is also grieving the same loss and is part of your inner circle. In other words, if you want to shy away from the festivities this year but your husband wants to be a part of them, then consider finding a way to compromise. Be gentle with one another because, as I am fond of pointing out, no two grief experiences are the same and no two people respond the same way so neither of you is 'right' or 'wrong'. Please try to avoid pressuring another to see it your way. Honor their own process as much as you can without compromising your own needs and wishes. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to go to that office party with your husband this year, tell him your reasons why. Tell him how you are feeling and ask him to respect your wishes. If it means that much to him, perhaps he can go alone this year or take a trusted friend in your place. Or maybe you can compromise and skip the the company party with the big crowds of people but agree to attend a smaller, more intimate neighborhood gathering together. What ever the case may be, please remember to be gentle with yourself and do not pass judgement on yourself for not functioning at 100% yet.
Helping Someone You Know
If I had to choose only one thing to say to those wishing to offer their support to a grieving loved one during the holidays it would be this. DO NOT JUDGE! Well wishers often think they know what is 'best for us' and express this with statements like: "Oh come on, it will be good for you to be around other people, it will help you get your mind off 'things' (***It's very common for people to be afraid to speak the deceased person's name when addressing the griever directly)" or..... "Don't you think (insert deceased person's name here)_______ would have wanted you to enjoy this day?" or....."Do you really think you should be going all out this year? Wouldn't you prefer a quiet day instead?" It's a difficult position to be in and you may be feeling quite awkward and at a loss for words when faced with your friend or family member who is still experiencing heavy grief during the holidays, so I will offer you a couple of things to consider that you might find helpful.
I'd like to start by acknowledging the fact that my words may not 'speak to' everyone who is grieving a loss. Because no two people are exactly alike in the way they think and behave, no two grief journeys will be the same and no one, single source will address all your struggles and concerns. I must also consider the many different faiths and cultural practices around the wold today and understand that I cannot speak about that which I do not know. Because of this I can only speak from a place that I know intimately......my own memories of my experiences and all that I have learned since my first significant loss in 2002.
I come from a 'non-religious' background whose family celebrates the standard holidays recognized in the US based on Christian and/or Pagan rituals and observances. But grief speaks a UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE and is understood by all who experience it at very basic, primal levels. In this way we are all brothers and sisters.....all of us who grieve during our holiday seasons whether it is Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa we are celebrating.
Self-Care First!
Beware the Pitfalls!
Both are perfectly 'normal' and acceptable. Please do not judge yourself or anyone else who is grieving for their feelings on the subject. If you are the one who is shying away from the crowds, then you can use that time to do something special for yourself. Perhaps pour yourself a glass of wine on Christmas Eve, put some soft holiday music on and have yourself a good cry over the family photo albums.....reliving scenes of Christmas Past. Allow the memories to wash over you and pass through you. This will most likely bring up some emotional response from you and is a good way to process and release some of your grief from time to time. Crying can be very cleansing and freeing.
If you are feeling like 'the show must go on' and want to go all out to host your family or friends during a holiday celebration, then do it! I would only warn you to be mindful of the physical drain orchestrating such an event entails. Please check in with yourself often to make sure you are not taking on more than you can handle. Becoming physically exhausted makes grief harder to bear and will only serve to be counter-productive in the long run.
I think the biggest pitfall people stumble into regarding grief and the holidays is the amount of time and energy they spend dreading it as it approaches. I know it can't be helped......I've done it myself....more than once. But I can tell you from experience that the actual day itself, once it arrives, never seems to hold as much 'darkness' and 'power' as I had imagined it would. This same is true for other important dates like birthdays and the anniversary of your loved one's passing. It's the 'fear of the unknown' that has power over us. Once the day dawns and we realize we are still standing and breathing, just like any other day, the fear begins to loose it's power over us.
Rituals.....Old & New
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| Holiday Rituals |
Again, I cannot stress enough that there are no right or wrong ways of dealing with the holidays. The most important part of this equation is YOU. What do YOU want to do or not want to do? Myself, I decided to keep the old traditions AND add some new ones. The images you see above are a sampling of how I honor my daughter's life at Christmas time. Her oldest daughter has made a ritual of placing a memorial ornament with her Mom's picture in it on our tree...it gets to be placed first every year. All three of my grandchildren have established a candle lighting ceremony that we do at every holiday meal. They each light one candle and we say a prayer of thanks and welcome those we love in the afterlife to come and join us for each celebration. And even though no one really likes the cherry flavored Jello cookies, I still make them every year for my daughter since they were always her favorite! The number of ways to create ritual and ceremony to honor a loved one's life is endless and there are no 'rules' so get creative! Do whatever feels right for you.
This sort of thing may not appeal to some of you. You may be looking for ways to change your holiday practices in order to create something brand new that will not serve as a reminder of your loss. This is perfectly fine too! This grief journey is yours and yours alone so you get to decide. The only time you should be considering someone else's feelings on the subject is if that someone is also grieving the same loss and is part of your inner circle. In other words, if you want to shy away from the festivities this year but your husband wants to be a part of them, then consider finding a way to compromise. Be gentle with one another because, as I am fond of pointing out, no two grief experiences are the same and no two people respond the same way so neither of you is 'right' or 'wrong'. Please try to avoid pressuring another to see it your way. Honor their own process as much as you can without compromising your own needs and wishes. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to go to that office party with your husband this year, tell him your reasons why. Tell him how you are feeling and ask him to respect your wishes. If it means that much to him, perhaps he can go alone this year or take a trusted friend in your place. Or maybe you can compromise and skip the the company party with the big crowds of people but agree to attend a smaller, more intimate neighborhood gathering together. What ever the case may be, please remember to be gentle with yourself and do not pass judgement on yourself for not functioning at 100% yet.
Helping Someone You Know
The first thing that comes to my mind is probably one of the biggest elephants in the room when it comes to interacting with the newly bereaved and that is our reluctance to SAY THEIR NAMES. It sounds simple enough....but this is something most people (who have not suffered a significant loss themselves) try to avoid like the plague. (See previous blog post "Grieving Part 2" for more about this) It literally makes them squirm....but I have to tell you that for us, hearing their name is like life's blood itself. You see, just because our loved one left their physical body, does not mean they ceased to exist! It makes us feel like people are judging us if we cannot speak their name freely. It makes us feel like people want us to forget....EXPECT us to forget but forgetting is not possible for us nor is it something I recommend you try to do! Mentioning them during the holidays may produce some tears for us in the beginning but have a little faith and a LOT of patience and eventually, we will smile and laugh when someone tells the story of the time our deceased son tipped the whole tree over in his haste to get at his gift in the back.....honest we will! Maybe not this year but someday we will.
If you took the time to read the previous sections of this blog post, then you are acquainted with the way grievers tend to fall into two categories......they either hide themselves away or they go all out. Either way, you can help if you really want to. If your person has chosen to stay clear of all celebrations, then find some time to talk to them about this prior to the holiday. Ask them if they are sure this is what they really want or if they are choosing to stay away to 'protect others' in the group. Some of us feel like our sadness is a burden for others and we may choose to skip Christmas dinner at Aunt Flo's because we don't want to be a downer! If you discover this to be the case, perhaps together with some other family members, you can find a way to help your griever feel comfortable enough to join in......even if it's only for dessert. If they reveal that they truly want to be alone, then perhaps you could offer to stop by with a plate of left overs at the end of the day for them. They might be able to accept that small gesture and your kindness may help them feel better about 'missing out'.
If you see that your recently widowed sister seems to be taking it all on herself and is planning to host the entire family at her place, perhaps you can step in and insist on coming to help her with everything and that might even include all the planning that goes into it along with the pre-holiday prep work like grocery shopping and making sure the house gets cleaned and decorated. I'm sure she would welcome the help and your support will not go unappreciated.
Love Knows No Boundaries
I hope these words have helped you in some small way to begin to understand that LOVE is everlasting. It survives all things.....including death. It exists in the coldest, darkest places....if we'd only be brave enough to look for it. I continue to hold all of my bereaved brothers and sisters in my thoughts and prayers this, and every holiday season. May you all find peace in your days and may you continue to feel the love of those who have passed on from this life.
As I sit here finishing up this post, I am warmed by my own deceased grandmother's presence since I am immersed in the heady scent of fresh bread baking...one of her recipes and a family favorite. And tomorrow, at the Thanksgiving dinner table, when everyone starts to rave about how delicious the home-made oatmeal dinner rolls are that I contributed, (and they all will!) I will offer up a big smile and announce how these are 'Grammie Audrey's Rolls'. And in this way, I will have brought her into that present moment to celebrate family and friends with us.
Blessings,
Vicky
For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey:
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over
Please visit my website at www.whiteelephantwisdom.com
***Thoughtful discussion is welcome. Please comment below
As I sit here finishing up this post, I am warmed by my own deceased grandmother's presence since I am immersed in the heady scent of fresh bread baking...one of her recipes and a family favorite. And tomorrow, at the Thanksgiving dinner table, when everyone starts to rave about how delicious the home-made oatmeal dinner rolls are that I contributed, (and they all will!) I will offer up a big smile and announce how these are 'Grammie Audrey's Rolls'. And in this way, I will have brought her into that present moment to celebrate family and friends with us.
Blessings,
Vicky
For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey:
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over
Please visit my website at www.whiteelephantwisdom.com
***Thoughtful discussion is welcome. Please comment below
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