I'll Cry if I Want To!

 

I'll Cry if I want to...and I won't if I don't!

    I, myself am guilty of passing judgement on the bereaved. Yes, you heard that right, I have, in the past, judged how others grieve based on my pre-existing impressions of how a person should behave when faced with losing someone they were close to. I say 'pre-existing impressions' because that is how my mind worked BEFORE I wore the shoes of the griever myself. 

    Between my upbringing ("Stop that crying"  "You're fine" "Never share your weaknesses with others" ) the media, (think movie scenes where folks drop to the floor and wail uncontrollably when the news of a loved one's sudden passing is delivered) and my own cultural and community beliefs ("it's unnatural for a child to die before it's parents",  "It just isn't fair, how can anyone ever recover from losing a child?" and one of my personal favorites, "Suicide is WRONG. It's a sin against God") is it any wonder that people's reaction to sudden and/or traumatic loss can be all over the board?

   

    If you've attended more than one funeral in your lifetime then you can relate to what I am saying.  You've seen the wife of 30+ years who suddenly finds herself a Widow throw herself upon her departed husband's coffin, begging him not to leave her, as a loving family member gently pulls her away and guides her back to her seat.  

    You may also have witnessed a mother give the eulogy herself for her son who died tragically in a car wreck just 2 days before he was to be married to the love of his life, leaving you in awe of the strength that woman surely must have...strength you, yourself could never possess given the same circumstance.

   

    And what of the family members who are smiling and laughing with others as they greet people they haven't stayed in touch with, genuinely excited to see them once again, even if it is at their own mother's funeral?  Or the child who doesn't seem to be affected at all knowing her Daddy is never coming home from the war? How is that even possible?  Are they in denial do you think?

    What if I told you that ALL of those responses to grief were perfectly normal? 

    I've been most of those people myself. I've been on my knees screaming to the heavens, begging my 18 year old boy to come back after he took his own life by hanging...but you didn't see that because I wouldn't let you. I waited until everyone was gone from the house. Once alone, I felt safe enough to let my true feelings out.  I simply couldn't let anyone see me like that. Turns out I wasn't as strong as everyone kept telling me I was.  I didn't want anyone to know that I was living a lie. I felt ashamed, ashamed of losing control of myself in that way so I kept my deepest feelings hidden.

    I also greeted people at my daughter's memorial celebration with smiles and laughter, not a tear in sight because it truly was a celebration for me. I was celebrating how loved she was when she, herself lived her life believing she wasn't worthy. I was celebrating an end to her suffering, because cancer takes it toll and all she wanted was rest and eternal peace. And I was celebrating my own freedom. Yes, you heard that right too. I was freed from the physical burden of caring for my dying daughter, a grueling process that took over two years to complete.  I needed the relief that smiles and laughter brought that day. 

    But you didn't see the tears I cried for her many years later. Tears I wouldn't let flow while she was still here with us. Tears that had been kept at bay for so long they simply refused to come on cue when she died. Tears that finally, found release when, in my 60th year, I sat still long enough to put her story into words on paper.  Tears I welcomed as I recognized another layer of grief expressing itself after all those years in hibernation. 

    And then there was the eulogy I gave for my husband who also ended his own life in a dramatic stand-off with local law enforcement, without breaking down. I prepared for, facilitated and hosted his celebration of life at the home we shared together, the very place he took his life, and I did it with grace. 

    But you didn't see me drop to my knees in the forest next to his blood which was still glistening wet in the dappled sunlight the day he left this world.  You didn't see my heart crack open while I offered Reiki energy healing....sending it backward in time to the moment he pulled the trigger so that he might have felt my love as he made his chosen exit, hoping I eased his fear in those moments just a little bit. And you didn't see me each and every night for months after his death as I sat alone on his side of the bed, reaching out to him with tears quietly sliding down my cheeks. No, you didn't see those moments because they were mine to keep selfishly for myself.  Moments meant to be just for he and I.

    So next time you are faced with a bereaved person and you feel inclined to wonder, "why aren't they crying?"  or "Geeshe....they are taking this really hard"  or "Is she in denial? Why is she so calm? I'd be a mess if I were in her shoes" I invite you to take a moment to realize that you are only seeing a tiny portion of the face of grief. And while a picture may say a thousand words, a small snapshot into the life of the bereaved does not show you the entire truth of it at all. 

    I can guarantee you the bereaved is not showing you everything they are feeling. How could they when their own feelings and reactions are changing so rapidly? You see, grief is messy. It even surprises us, the griever when we suddenly find ourselves numb to the pain and unable to cry.  It catches us by surprise when we hear ourselves laugh out loud, often times leaving us feeling guilty like we have somehow dishonored the one who has died by being joyful for even a brief moment. And it totally confuses us when, years later we are dealing with physical illnesses and problems that surely are the result of grief we buried in our bodies because we were taught as children to swallow our feelings and hide our pain.

    But you also should not be judged for your own reactions to us. I mean it's really not your fault either is it? After all, our society has taught us to RUN from death. We talk in whispers at funerals lest we call the Grim Reaper's attention to ourselves and our families. We 'fight' against it by putting our loved ones through horrific 'cancer cures' in the hopes that we can somehow cheat death, and we NEVER prepare for a child's death because we've convinced ourselves it's unnatural to do so. With all these conditioned avoidance methods is it any wonder that none of us are equipped to deal with grief when it does show up at our door?

Curious?  Ask me anything. I'll give you an open and honest answer. 

    So how can we change all of this? It starts here, with an honest conversation. A conversation where we see ourselves in another's eyes. Authentic storytelling and compassionate listening is what is needed.  Admit it, you've all been curious about what goes on behind the scenes when someone dies, especially if that someone was considered to be 'too young to die' or died in a horrific way. I am here offering you that conversation. 

    Curious?  Ask me anything. I'll give you an open and honest answer.  I'll give you the truth of it...MY truth. And while doing so, I'll cry if I want to....and I won't if I don't! 

And if you still choose to judge the way I grieve, then you will most assuredly be met by another face of grief...one I haven't named yet. The face of ANGER.

As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments.

Blessings on your journey to Self-Discovery after loss,
Vicky

Vicky Edgerly is a Reiki Master and Spiritual Teacher who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges.  As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s  (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.

Vicky specializes in showing folks the way through the grieving experience by applying metaphysical practices and offers private sessions as a “Grief Journey Guide”.  She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences

For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey: 
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over 

Grieving Part 3_Facing the Holidays

What Grief Wants 

More From Vicky:

 www.whiteelephantwisdom.com

info@whiteelephantwisdom.com

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