Grief and Our Pets
by Vicky EdgerlyI had to say goodbye to my dog recently. His name was Jangles and he was the youngest of 3 Labs that my late-husband and I raised together. My 'Baby Boy'. I cradled his sweet face in my lap and whispered words of love and gratitude into his ears as the drugs sent him off to sleep. You would think that after burying both of my children and my husband, losing a pet would be inconsequential to me...but it isn't. It isn't at all.
I have a vivid memory of a woman grieving her deceased dog that used to spark a lot of anger in me. You see, my own son had taken his life at the tender age of 18 just a few weeks before, when a women I worked with announced the death of her beloved dog of some 15 years over the weekend. This was during a time in my own journey where the grief over my son's suicide was still very much in the driver's seat. I prided myself on how far I had come because I could go to the office and hold it together for the required eight hour day (although the floodgates would burst open as soon as I pushed through the exit doors at days end and hot, wet tears would be pouring down my face and bouncing off my shoes by the time I reached my car).
The bereaved Dog Mommy was having a rough time with her own loss. Her emotional state would periodically require her to get up and abandon her desk to go sit in the lunch room until she could get her tears under control. This left me to handle her job of answering incoming calls, which seemed like an extreme hardship for me at the time as my still traumatized brain struggled to function properly in the workplace.
My anger toward this woman, and others like her was very real and demanded my attention. How dare these people compare the grief they feel over a deceased pet to that of a mother who has buried a child or a young widow who has had to say goodbye to the man she thought she'd spend her life with? Really?
"That grieving dog Mom, as it turned out, had lived a life full of abuse, neglect and abandonment."
So who was I to judge her reaction? Grief comes in so many shapes and sizes. There is no 'one-size-fits-all' experience. Some folks are just as devastated over big changes in their lives (like the loss of a marriage, home or a job) as others may be over the physical loss of a parent or a sibling. Should we really stand in judgement over these people? Or can we offer compassion?
I, for one, find healing in offering compassion to another in pain, both for me and for them. While I could not 'see' this clearly in the early days of acute grief, I am now very grateful to myself for being able to come to this place of understanding. Who couldn't use a little self-checkup on our own preconceived notions about others? I feel that in this world full of 'us against them' attitudes, we could all benefit from a little exercise in offering compassion to our fellow man, which has to start by dropping judgements.
Even among the 'grieving set' I see clicks develop as judgmental attitudes serve to separate us into groups....each group claiming THEIR experience to be the worst, most stressful and painful of all the grief journeys. As if my trauma should come with some kind of badge of honor and yours, should not? I wonder what purpose this could possibly serve?
I expected to feel sad after letting go of Jangles. The depth of my feelings, however, surprised even me. At first I did not understand my reaction. After all, I had just put down my Chocolate Lab, Hunta, a mere 5 months before and was completely capable of processing that loss without any problems or complications. Why was this one throwing me for such a loop? Did I love him more than the others? Or was something else at play here?
"I seek out the challenge, the opportunity for growth and eventually, find the GIFT."
This occasion was no different. Once I recognized the fact that I was grieving more deeply for this dog than I had expected, I took a closer look. I checked in with myself to see if there was something else going on. I was rewarded with a slew of opportunities to work on any unresolved grief, guilt, pain etc. over a broad area of my life.
You see, Jangles was the very last living being that depended on me for it's comfort and survival needs. Having been the person who always cares for others, I found myself suddenly FREE. Free of all caregiving attachments to others. After raising 2 kids, burying those kids, then a husband, then raising a granddaughter, along with 3 dogs and being 'counselor' to untold numbers of people including family and friends, I suddenly found myself standing alone, with no one to care for except myself.
This realization brought with it a mixed bag of emotions. The most prevalent, and at war with one another, would be the euphoric feeling of FREEDOM right along side the frightening sensation of being ALONE in the world. I wont get into all the details here with you all but suffice to say, I spent the next few weeks honoring any old memories that would come up. Believe me, a LOT have been coming up! When they have sadness attached to them I allow the tears and tell myself they are cleansing and healing...when there is anger involved I take it out and look at it and decide that it was appropriate back then but no longer needed and I let it go....if there is happiness around an old memory I choose to cherish the blessing that moment was and feel grateful for having had it and no longer spend time wishing that I could have it back again.
"May we all be free to grieve with abandon and without fear of society's judgement.."
May we all be free to grieve with abandon and without fear of society's judgement....no matter what or who we have lost.
Namaste
Vicky
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Grief is one of those emotions that many prefer to dismiss rather than acknowledge. When my granddaughter died after a mere 43 minutes of life, I can’t tell you how many people said various versions of “at least you didn’t have time to get attached to her” to me. I know they just wanted to shut down the conversation because the death of a child is difficult to discuss but wow - how hurtful.
ReplyDeleteSince it it unavoidable, thank you for giving an insight into how to make friends with grief.