Is All Grief Created Equal? by Vicky Edgerly
I am occasionally approached sheepishly by someone in pain who feels that their grief experience is 'not as important, relevant or real' as mine since they did not bury their entire nuclear family as I have.
They often feel guilty about seeking help from me for their grief, believing that their own pain can't possibly stack up to the type of grief I have experienced after burying two children and a husband.
While my particular story is a bit more intense than most will ever experience in one lifetime, (you can learn more by visiting my website www.whiteelephantwisdom.com or reading previous blog posts) I can say to you with the authority that lots of personal experience and purposeful study has afforded me that YES! All grief certainly is created equal.
No grief journey is more or less important, relevant, or meaningful than another. Some will come with more intense 'symptoms' and some with stronger 'reactions' and feelings from those affected but grief is grief no matter how you slice it up and dole it out.
Grief is not an exclusive club...anyone can join!
I watched my local coastal community lose their homes and businesses to flood waters from the life threatening storm surge Helene brought to our shores one week, then witnessed these same folks endure the massive wind damage that Milton dished out, all while still sifting through what was left of their belongings from the first big hit a mere ten days later. As you can imagine, I am surrounded by just about any kind of grief you could possibly encounter in a human life cycle.
Folks lost their lives...so we grieve with those families and survivors as a community. Folks lost their homes, livelihood and businesses....again, we grieve as a community. Our beautiful beaches are trashed....we grieve for the loss of our places of beauty that always served to bring solace and peace to our souls when we are anxious or restless over what is happening in our lives. And so we grieve...
If I simply remove the phrase, 'such as the death of a loved one' from NIH National Cancer Institutes definition of GRIEF, then we can clearly see how this word can (and does!) apply to any loss that feels devastating to a person or group of people. Grieving is simply a word describing the process we go through when faced with any type of loss that brings us deep sorrow.
DEFINITION: The normal response to a major loss, such as the death of a loved one. It may include feelings of great sadness, anger, guilt, and despair. Physical problems, such as not being able to sleep and changes in appetite, may also be part of grief. (NIH National Cancer Institute)
I hope you noticed the phrase 'normal response' in the above definition. If there is one big take-away from this article, this is it. All these swirling, confusing and for some, debilitating 'symptoms' and feelings we are having are perfectly normal. Yes folks, there's no mistaking it. You are experiencing GRIEF!
Admittedly, I didn't always feel so gracious about other peoples' 'unconventional' grief stories. Nope, I have to own that right now. You see, shortly after my 18 year old son took his own life on Mother's Day in 2002, I was an emotional wreck. Being my first experience with significant loss, I didn't understand my grief at the time. I hadn't yet learned how it would respond to my own thoughts and beliefs and because of this lack of understanding, it threatened to consume me in those first few months.
When some of the initial shock wore off and I tried to re-enter society and my 'normal' life routines, I found I was still too raw. My emotions were all over the place. The uncontrollable crying was replaced with frustration, annoyance or even anger with the people around me who were simply going about their own lives like they always did. Nothing had changed in my outward world but my inner world was still a raging storm of confusing emotion.
One day while trying to pull my focus together enough to get even minimal tasks and duties done correctly at work, I was distracted by the sound of a co-worker crying over a dog that had died over the weekend that didn't even belong to her or her family.
It infuriated me that this woman had the nerve to play the, 'I'm too upset over the dogs death to do any work so I'm going to sit here in the break room and cry for a while instead' card while I was just a few yards away trying to hold myself together after putting my beautiful boy in the ground not two weeks prior.
Inside I was screaming to the heavens, "The nerve of that woman! Who does she think she is? Is she that blind that she can't see what a slap in my face her over-dramatic reaction was? It's JUST A DOG for Pete's sake!!!" Oh yes, it's true. I thought all those things and more. When I went home that night I vented to my fiancé and added even more colorful adjectives to my highly judgmental tirade.
Over time, as I began to learn more about my own grief response and how my mind/thoughts/beliefs
were all shaping my experience, my feelings toward this woman's emotional display began to change. You see, I've learned that everyone handles stress in their lives differently. Our brains work differently because of individual chemical make up, DNA, and of course family and community conditioning.
It turns out that this particular woman had difficulty dealing with ANY stressful situation. Because of a challenging childhood with no solid role models in her life, she never learned any basic coping skills so when a controversial event came her way she collapsed into an emotional wreck.
How could I not feel compassion for this person in pain having learned the truth of the matter, HER truth. The truth I could not see through my own perception at the time of the event? This really drove home a point for me. The fact that what we BELIEVE controls how we PERCEIVE the world around us.
So let's recap because this is important: Grief is grief no matter how it is doled out. If this person, who was living inside a mind that kept repeating discouraging thoughts about the world around her, was genuinely so distraught over the death of that office dog, than who am I to negate her feelings? What gives me the right to judge her reactions and the level of pain she is experiencing? She simply hasn't discovered the truth yet. She doesn't know she actually has a choice in how she sees, thinks and feels about any situation that pops up in her experience.
And now, I walk with a stoic expression through a community leveled by a horrendous storm. The grief is all around me, as sharp and poignant as the smell the piles of debris are starting to give off. I walk through the flooded neighborhoods and feel the despair coming off those who believe their lives have also been ruined, my heart aching for the woman struggling to chase junk pickers away from her beloved belongings that were piled by the street waiting to be taken to the landfill station as if she were protecting the dead body of a loved one from vultures circling overhead.
Then there is the survivor's guilt. Perhaps this could be material for another article entirely as it is also part of the Grief story here. My home, for example, is a mere 1.5 streets away from the catastrophic flooding that coastal areas experienced. My first reaction was to rejoice that my home was high and dry and I did not experience anything more challenging than a few days without electricity and internet. But how can I possibly rejoice and be happy about my 'good luck' when I am surrounded by those who lost everything?
Fortunately, I have been through these types of feelings before so I recognize them. I also know them more intimately than most having studied all the faces of grief for over 20 years now. Even so, the survivors guilt tries to take hold within my mind on this occasion so I gently remind myself that it is not 'wrong' for me to feel grateful for all that I have even though others have so much less.
There will always be individuals we know or groups of people around the world who struggle with various levels of hardship and turmoil at any given moment in time. This is how we learn and grow as a species....through obstacles and challenges. While I can hold space for those who suffer, and offer what aid I am able, it is not my job to erase their loss or heal their pain. I can have compassion for their journey while still feeling grateful for the things I have in my life.
Grief is often messy and can come and go in varying levels of intensity for quite some time after the event itself has passed. My hope for you, if you have experienced great loss from these powerful storms is that you can take a moment now and then to be kind to yourself. Understand that you are experiencing GRIEF and that you have every right to explore these powerful feelings. Don't deny yourself this right. I for one, can say that yes, your grief IS REAL and is just as relevant as mine was all those years ago when my own life was blown to bits by the sudden death of a child.
I see you all.....I feel you.....I support you in your healing space. Namaste
As always, I welcome your thoughtful comments.
Blessings on your journey to Self-Discovery after loss,
Vicky
Vicky Edgerly is a Reiki Master and Spiritual Teacher who uses the wisdom she’s gained through study & personal experience to assist others in navigating life’s challenges. As someone who has chosen to grow from her STE’s (‘Spiritually Transformative Events’ ….a life event that changes one's belief systems and outlook on life), she uses her knowledge and experience to empower others.
Vicky specializes in showing folks the way through the grieving experience by applying metaphysical practices and offers private sessions as a “Grief Journey Guide”. She has worked closely with The Afterlife Education Foundation from Portland Oregon for several years and was featured in open panel discussions at their annual conferences
For Additional Insights into the Grief Journey:
Grieving Part 1...The Early Days
Grieving Part 2...When the Party's Over
